Too broken to fix??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2014
Too broken to fix??
7
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 1:43am

I want to start off by saying I'm new to this whole message board thing I am 26 and have been married to my husband who is 33, for two years and we have a one year old daughter and he has two children 11 & 12 from a previous marriage. We got custody of the two children 5 months after we got married when I was 4 months preg with our child and they moved back out of state to thier moms this past December . I dove straight into step/mommyhood without a clue in the world. I have poured my heart and Soul into my new family and marriage and have been a stay at home mom. I agree that we may have jumped into getting married too quickly, after only 3 months of dateing, but back then I think I was blinded by love and missed a few red signs. Ialways told myself growing up that I would never be in an "unhealthy" relationship because my mom shared enough with me about her first marriage to an alcoholic, I saw the pain in her face every time it was brought up. She met my dad and found out what true love was and I have always looked up to my parents because now a days broken homes are more common. I look back now thinking how could I be so blind? After I got pregnant my husband started drinking heavly every day. Things progressively got more and more violent first with throwing things and lots of name calling to full blown fist fights and choke outs after I h had my daughter. I don't blame him entirely I know I should have walked away and when filled with emotion I did not. His favorite thing to do when I do even the littlest things wrong is to yell and curse and call me names and threaten to knock me out. I stayed because I was scared for the children and who would take care of them if I wasn't there and the older two I could not take with me if I did leave and I couldn't leave them in that situation so I stayed with him and always accepted his apologies he would give when he sobered up. I will give him credit for having the same job since we got together, but when he wasn't working he was either drinking,yelling, pukeing or sleeping so for over a year I felt like the sole care giver two 2 kids and a newborn which has a blood disorder and required blood rptransfusions every 2 weeks for the fist 6 months in and out of the nicu because she didn't weigh 8 pounds til she was dang near 3 months and still to this day at 16 months she wears 6-9 month cloths and is only twenty pound because of the EXTREAMLY rare genitic blood disorder that I gave her. No new mothers has it easy but along with a sick child that in has to rush to the hospital many times leaving my husband with the kids and he was drinking while I was not sleeping stairing at my little 5 pound baby wondering if she would be okay all alone. The drinking and the agressuion continued almost every day until my husbands mother died from a complication of surgery suddenly and just when I thought things couldn't get worse they did. The kids moved back to their moms and for an while my husband stopped drinking and we had a great reaoltionship or at least I thought until I fought him snorting method behind my back while I sit at home wondering where he is and just as I am just now trying tom deal with the drugs and trying to protect my child and I can't go back to my parents BC I swrewed up so much as a teen our relationship is a work in progress. Last week I found out my husband ha been having and affair for an while while doing the dope while I sat at home wondering when he will come home or if he's dead nor arrested BC he doesn't like to answer my calls. I am so hurt and completely broken with this final straw I feel so broken and I just don't know what to do about anything. I've heard horror stories about shelters and I have a small child and it is well known if I try to leave he will find me... Because I posted on fb on a comment that I caughim cheating and when he saw it he changed the email address and password to my account so I can never log on but it is then only place I have pics of my babies and its all gone now. My mom wanted to come take our 1 year old daughter for a trip to grandmas and I had asked my husband a few weeks before and he said yes but when it came down to it BC i posted that he cheated he told me that if my parents try to come to the door for any reason without his permission he will taze with his tazer them until the battery died and he wouldn't give a damn. Then he asked me if I knew what a physiopath was and then said he could do anything with out guilt. I'm scared to leave that he will hurt me or my daughter while on something if or after I leave and then I'm scared if I stay he will still hurt us. I don't know what to do and I'm so broken inside I'm in "robot" mode taking care of my kid..... I have no where to go if I leave and I'm scared of staying plz give me advice feel like I'm back where my mom was at the same age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 7:40am

You need to get your act together, pack up and GET OUT asap.  The man is a drug addict, an alcoholic, and an a mental and emotional abuser.  He WILL become a physical abuser.  You say you can't go to your parents?  Why?  If your mother wanted to take an ill baby to visit someone, then you have a decent relationship with your mother.  Do NOT make excuses for him.  Big deal, he's held down a job!  And then he gets drunk, high, cheats and abuses you.  You need to leave him.  There is no other solution, and there's nothing worth trying to fix!  Your step children, his children are NOT your responsibility.  If I understand correctly they've gone back to their mother.  You might want to clue her in (But I bet she already knows) about his problems, so that she doesn't let him have the kids again.  Even if she's a bad parent too, that's sad, and maybe you can report her and him both to CPS, but they're not your main priority or responsibility.  Gather up important papers for your child and yourself, and while he's at work, LEAVE!  If your computer is a laptop, take that too, because anyone who knows something about computers can get your pictures for you.  If you explain to your parents what's been going on, they will take you in!  They will not throw you into the street!  And maybe you can get a part time job and your Mom can watch the baby.  If he comes around or bothers you, call the police on him and/or get a restraining order on him.  There are many free services out there that can help you get your life together.  If you absolutely cannot go to your parents, there are safe houses where he won't be able to find you and THEY can help you get your iife together.  Call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE and they can help you get out and find a safe place.  You made a mistake by marrying him too quickly, don't make it worse by staying and allowing him to abuse you anymore.  Don't even try to FIX it, there's nothing to fix.....move on with your life.  Good luck to you.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 9:21am
Same post--word for word--as in "Making a Marriage Work" on 5/11. Same answer too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2013
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 10:51am

Get out! For the sake of your own child, if nothing else, get out now. Don't wait another minute. Go to a shelter if you have to. Anything is better than staying with an abusive addict.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2014
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 1:43pm

Thank you for your reply, I have since talked to my parents and called the hotline and have gotten in touch with a shelter because everyone that I spoke with said he is unpredictable and it would be too dangerous to go to my parents. Work in on getting things together and my parents are gonna drive to me while he's at work and help me get our stuff and take us to a drop off point then we will be off to an undisclosed location. I just needed to hear someone that didn't actually know me to tell me I was doing the right thing and that I've done all, I can do. Thank you

Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 10:34am

Good luck to you. Please check in when you can and let us know you are safe. :-)

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

Avatar for cmerin
Administrator
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 12:23pm

I'm glad you're moving forward. Wishing you all the best and please let us know how you're doing.

Also, as far as FB is concerned, have you tried emailing them and telling them a bit of what went on? You may be able to get them to reset the account so you can get the photos. I'm not 100% certain, but it wouldn't hurt to ask them.

Erin
Community Technical Assistant | Community Moderator
iVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 8:13pm

Girl: Am I pretty? Boy:No Girl: Do u even want to be with me forever? Boy: No Girl: Do u even like me? Boy: No Girl: Would u cry if i walked away? Boy: No She heard enough and was hurt... She walked away with tears in her eyes The boy grabbed her arm Boy: Your not pretty...your beautiful Boy: I dont want to be with u forever...I need to be with u forever Boy: I dont like u...I love u Boy: I wouldn't cry if u walked away......I would die if u walked away. Boy Whispers: Plz stay with me Girl: I will... *Tonight at midnight your true love will realize she/he loves u *Something good will happen to u at 1-4pm *Tomorrow it could be anywhere!!! *Get ready for the shock of your life! *If u dont post this to 5 other comments... You will have back luck in relationships for the next 10 years