Trite question about Valentine's Day
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| Thu, 02-10-2005 - 3:21am |
Howdy folks- I'm new here, but I'm in a wonderful relationship I'm hoping to make last, so I'm sure I'll be back with some other questions and maybe I can offer my two cents to your questions along the way.
I have a question about Valentine's Day. My boyfriend absolutely refuses to celebrate Valentine's Day, and I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. Should I ignore his refusal and cook him a lovely Valentine's Day dinner? Should I ham it up and make it a totally cheesy Valentine's Day (something to laugh at), complete with streamers, those silly boxers with hearts all over them and a big, ostentatious "Happy Valentine's Day" sign? Should I honor his request and pretend like Monday is any other day? Should I go away for a day, maybe go skiing, to take my mind off of it?
Anyone have any ideas?
I appreciate your help!!
Best
ScottieLass

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The answer depends on the "why" behind your b/f's refusal to celebrate the holiday. I'm assuming it isn't something as basic and important as a religious belief that it is a pagan and "unchristian" custom. If that's it, then you obviously need to respect that.
Otherwise, if he's just philosophically opposed because it was invented by greeting card manufacturers and florists (which it WAS), then I bet you can get a little playful and hope that he smiles about it. I wouldn't go overboard, though.
And if if were me, instead of heaping the gifts on HIM - which will make him feel guilty for not reciprocating - I would buy MYSELF some flowers and candy and have a nice bottle of wine with a "little bit" special dinner that he can also enjoy. Then, you can laugh and say, I know you love me, and if you DID believe in Valentine's Day, this is what you would have done.
No matter what, though, you've got to let him know that you have no problem with his feelings on the subject and that you were just trying to lighten the mood (and you want to make sure that this is true).
Be prepared, though, for anything you do (other than nothing, or celebrating on your own) to backfire. No matter how you do this, you could make him angry. If that happens, apologize, say you were just making a little fun, that you didn't mean to offend him, promise never to do it again, and then DON'T.
Lee M.
I think there may be an important aspect you're not looking at.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Sorry Lee, but as a man I totally disagree with you.
I'd like to believe you're joking, but you probably aren't.
The man is "refusing to celebrate". That means he considers this an insignificant, trite, irrelevant, and totally consumer oriented "event" and he wants no part of it.
And here's you - ignoring that reality going "what should I do about this?" as if there is something you can do.
If you want to have a "special dinner" that doesn't go over the top because of the calendar date, go ahead - realize you won't get any more special recognition or appreciation for that than you'd get for cooking him that same meal on 3-23-05 - which has no significance at all in terms of an event.
If you "go cheesy" - what you're saying is "I don't care what you want, I want balloons, fluff, flowers, and candy and so we're going to have it". He might tolerate you celebrating valentines day with you for yourself...and him having to put up with to some small degree your panter and patter and pander...but, he also might just as easily walk out and say "okay, go ahead and celebrate but I said I don't, so you go ahead without me".
Get prepared for either response - since you have no clue apparently WHY he feels as he does about this event in particular.
But basically, this day has no signficance for him whatsoever...or it has negative memories by the ton. And so obviously in thi relationship this event is "a non event". Don't expect that fact ever to change...it might, but don't expect it.
I'm not sure why you'd go away to take your mind off the fact that your boyfriend doesn't believe in Valentine's Day...it seems like more denial to me. It's like "well, I wasn't there so we didn't celebrate" while ignoring you went away so as not to be able to be there so that celebration which wouldn't happen because of his views was a non-issue anyway.
I'd come clean with yourself, accept him as he is, and THEN if you do want to ski on MOnay because it is just any other day of the week....go ahead. Same with making dinner for him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Well, that depends...how important is the day to YOU? I would not do well with a partner who imposed HIS wishes, and ignored mine. I would want to reach a compromise on the matter that we both could live with.
Sheri
"My boyfriend absolutely refuses to celebrate Valentine's Day."
Is it b/c it's "too much pressure"? Or that it's a "made up holiday"??? LoL, I hear those excuses all over the place, but that doesn't stop most from celebrating other "made up" holidays when they feel like it!
I say half of Vday is yours, too. If he doesn't want to do what everyone else is doing just b/c everyone else is doing it, ask him if there is a special way you can celebrate it together that pleases BOTH of you.
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I've read all the replies and think that you've been given some great advice.
My thoughts? Well, I don't do Valentines Day either. I think it's just a load of commercialism inflicted upon us. I'd much prefer a spontaneous gift of love than one that is purchased because he feels obliged to.
However, if Valentines Day was important to my partner, I would find a way to compromise. I probably wouldn't go as far as buying gifts - but perhaps go out to dinner. You see, I love going out for dinner whatever the reason.
About my only other thought is that my partner would have to accept that Valentines day is simply an excuse for a nice dinner....and that the dinner doesn't have any more significance to me than any time we choose to dine out.
I wouldn't mind getting a gift or going out to dinner for no reason, but I don't particulary feel it has to be on Valentine's day. That is my personal preference, and I doubt my bf even realizes it's coming up (he's like that with all holidays). I do celebrate it for my dd, because don't need much of an excuse to buy her a cute stuffed animal and some new crafts :)
My advice is that if you want to celebrate Valentine's, find a dateless girlfriend or take your mom (if you have one and she lives close) out to dinner instead.
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