Trouble In paradise....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2014
Trouble In paradise....
5
Sun, 03-09-2014 - 8:05pm

To put in brief, my partner and I have been together for nearly 6 months, I have known him a long time and I have always found him attractive and wanted us to be more than just friends. However.... I had a serious relationship with one of his friends when I was younger, it was a very intense relationship and we were literally inseperable, we ended due to our differences and discovering he had cheated on me with another girl. Once we split we were on and off constantly for years, he constantly played mind games with me and lead me to believe I was the only girl for him, I even resulted to leaving current boyfriends in the hope he would commit back to me, he claimed he loved me and wanted no one else but me, this then lead to me finding out he had been sleeping with various other women whilst playing mind games with me. This made me hate him and we had not spoken for a long long time. When I got with my partner who I love to bits, and who I know loves me in return, the ex was vile and horrible towards me calling me every name under the sun... the texting began with him simply stating "we need to get on now you're dating one of my good friends, hope we can be civil"... to then name calling and bad language. I told my partner who then was highly upset and annoyed as he understands my past with the ex, he told his mate/my ex that he no longer wanted to be on talking terms with him as this was affecting mine and his relationship. I felt slightly bad as I knew they were friends but he confided in me and stated he did not want anything to come inbetween us.

 A few weeks passed and the ex popped his head up yet again and decided to screen shot a picture of me and my partner,slightly creepy, again my boyfriend questioned why he had done it and he stated it was a mistake. I highly doubted that was the case. Since then he as been asked to go out with him and the lads on nights out etc... and my partner has decided to get on with him for 'the sake of the lads' this has highly upset me as it has made me look like a complete fool as he made it perfectly clear he did not want anything to do with him as the ex has resulted me to tears and was that cruel towards me. I understand he is his mate and has known him a long time, but the past and the things he has put me through and the lies that he tells and the way he can manipulate people worries me and I do not want him coming in between me and my partner.

 

I suppose I just feel a bit like i'm coming second best since during the big argument with the ex when he found out I was with my partner he stated "well he would always pick the lads over you... you really think he respects you more than us?" and literally laughed in my face.... therefore I am a bit stuck and need some advice, I love my partner, I would never leave him cause we get on so well and work great as a couple, but what do I do about the troublesome ex, do I let him get on with him for the sake of his group of friends or so I make a stand??? Help please :( x

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-09-2014 - 11:37pm

First, six months isn't really a relationship yet.  You may have known him for a long time, but knowing a person casually is NOT the same as having a relationship with him.  Your ex was right.....you now see that the pals are creeping back into his friendship, including your ex.  It took you a long time to open your eyes and see the truth about your ex......don't let this situation go on and on and on.  He's made his choice,  You need to make one too.  Six months is about the time that guys (and girls) are no longer on their best behavior.  You're starting to see the REAL person......and you see that this guy isn't going to give up his pals for you.

You need to get away from this whole group.  You never effectively ended it with your ex.  He was gone, but he was still intruding into your life on a regular basis.  When you end a relationship with someone like him, you block him from all your media, and you move on with your life.  You never even did that.  Don't waste another six months with this guy, it's not going to get better, it will only get worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 1:21am

I don't think that your bf deciding to go out with the boys means that he has chosen them over you or put you second best. Your bf went out with the group of guys, not just your ex one on one----the ex just happens to be one of the group. Your bf (and the ex) were friends with this group before you came into the picture. You surely don't expect your bf to drop his old group because one of them is disrespectful to you? Your bf is going to have to work this out between himself and the various guys in the group including your ex/his old friend. But you will probably learn about your bf's character from how he handles all of this and if he allows your ex to come between you two. This is one of the problems with getting involved with the friend of an ex...and one of the reasons that many people have a rule to never date an ex's friends.

Meanwhile you need to block the ex from your phone so he cannot call or text you; and from any social media sites. Make your settings such that he cannot see your info through mutual friends, and so that you don't have to see anything that he says. Erase him from your life as much as possible. You let him get under your skin with his comment about your bf would pick the lads over you. You cannot control what other people do or say, only your reaction.

So there is a possibility that your ex will somehow screw up your current relationship, and a possibility that he will not. You could pre-emptively break up with your bf but that may not be necessary. You either trust him to do the right thing, or not....and if he doesn't you deal with it then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2014
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 8:50am

Thank you for your comment, yeah I know i cannot expect him to ditch his mates and I wouldnt want him to do that, I just dont want the same thing to happen again. I no longer talk to the ex, I have completely erased him from all media, my phone etc... yet I know one day I will more than likely have to face him in the distant future for a social get together or something with all of his mates. I just hope the boyfriend respects me enough to not let him get in the way... thank you again for your advice. x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2014
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 8:50am

Thank you for your comment, yeah I know i cannot expect him to ditch his mates and I wouldnt want him to do that, I just dont want the same thing to happen again. I no longer talk to the ex, I have completely erased him from all media, my phone etc... yet I know one day I will more than likely have to face him in the distant future for a social get together or something with all of his mates. I just hope the boyfriend respects me enough to not let him get in the way... thank you again for your advice. x

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 1:02pm

As was mentioned already, you are only 6 months in. Far from knowing whether this will truly turn into a long term relationship. You have gone ahead and blocked the ex. I'd say just be cool for a while and don't worry about the boys hanging out just yet. Hopefully you will not have any more contact with ex. If you and BF stay together for a while yet then you can just watch and see how things play out, if the no-contact is maintained, etc. You and your BF could very possibly break up someday, and then problem solved.