Trust Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Trust Issue
13
Fri, 10-15-2010 - 9:02pm

I need someone to tell me if I am being unreasonable. Maybe I just have unreasonable expectations of what a great relationship should be. I don't know. I always thought the in the perfect relationship you should be open and honest, be best friends, can tell eachother anything. That's what I want out of life and that is what I thought I had until recently.

Ok some background, my boyfriend and I are living together. We each have one son. We have been dating for about 18 months and my son and I moved in to his house about 4 months ago. When we were living separate things we really good. We did have the occasional disagreement but all in all things were pretty great. So we talked about marriage and my son and I moving in. We are 12 years apart in age. He is older than I am.

Over the past month, things have gone down hill slowly but surely. We don't get along like we used to. I can't sleep. I get these nagging type feelings all the time. Something was clearly wrong I just didn't know what. So I did a very bad thing and checked his cell phone. I know I shouldn't of but the nagging feeling wouldn't go away and do you know how hard it is to not be able to sleep?

Well on his phone he has been talking to women. Several in fact. One is his ex. I found several texts and phone calls. Nothing like "pillow talk" just general how's it going type of talk. I feel betrayed. I thought we were BFF's, could tell eachother anything. If his conversations were so innocent why is hiding them, not telling me. I am not a over jealous person. If he has "girl" friends I can deal with that, but why hide it from me.

I confronted him after holding it in for about two weeks. He was ticked that I checked his phone. He said that "that was his business" and not mine. (I thought we were in a relationship??)

There is also other things that are going on, but nothing that is enough for me to leave. Everyone has to work on their relationships right? Am I being ridiculous? I just wonder if I would be better off alone sometimes. I did enjoy my space when we were not living together. Now I feel like I have to answer to someone again. (This is only my second "Adult" relationship) I got pregnant with my son at 17 and stayed with his father for almost 10 years then we divorced. Is this my rebound relationship?

I am tired of giving, loving, thinking of forever.... only to get hurt, pain, anger, resentment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 2:05am

Welcome to the board, Brown_eyed_momma ~

I think your expectations are correct, you should be able to have the kind of relationship you want, it's not unreasonable.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 4:27pm

Other problems? Lets see. We have not been communicating well at all. He seems to always criticize everything I do. We are both very strong-headed people. I do things a certain way and he does things a certain way. I never correct him or say "you should do it this way", but all the time he seems to be doing this to me.

Also there is the problem with the kids, discipline, etc. His son is "near perfect", gets good grades, stays out of trouble, etc. Well my son does not get good grades, struggles in school, struggles to stay out of trouble. Anytime I have to punish my son for bad behavior, I don't want to tell my boyfriend. He gets this attitude and eye roll thing. I had to discipline my son for cussing on Friday night. (which seems to be my sons new favorite thing to do, he's 12)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 11:25pm

He does sound like he has some worrisome

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 2:08am

For being just "some" of the problems you're having, those are pretty big problems.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 9:26am

No he did not criticize me before I moved in. For example he wants me to load the dishwasher a certain way, something to do with the jets washing the plates better if they are in a certain way. I overloaded the washing machine the other day. First time doing a load of blue jeans at his house. So the washer started rocking and he says. "how many clothes you got in there, and you can't put so much in there cause you will ruin the drum." I kept the house too cold for his liking in the summer months so we had to agree on a temp that the thermostat would stay on. I just do household things different than he does and this house is new to me, different appliances, etc.

I know you are only getting my side of the story and sometimes I can see his side. I understand the house is brand new (only 3 years old) and he wants to keep it nice for years to come. I am a klutzy person and I do some hair brained stuff sometimes, without meaning too. I know I do not handle criticism well at all. I feel like I am being scolded. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 3:06am

Brown_eyed_momma, I think you're doing a good job of being objective.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 1:44pm

I appreciate your honesty and openness to this issue. It is the kind of "virtual shaking" that I need. I don't know why I thought our relationship could work itself out. As you pointed out, him keeping things from me does go to his character and does not fit with what I want from a relationship. Who am I kidding? I

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 3:43pm

A sister! Welcome to my world!


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 11:09am

I read through your posts and some of what is going on is normal relationships stuff, some is not.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 11:15am
Forgot something:

Some of this is normal relationship stuff because we sometimes only know what we want when we aren't getting it. Not getting it leads to wanting it. Wanting it leads to taking action, which if handled properly can lead to getting what we want. If you can explain how you feel about the eye rolling, and understand what he means to communicate by it, you may eradicate the eye rolling from your relationship. The problem would have led to a solution. Same for the open and honesty. You want it, you are not getting it, it pressures you to do something and if that something is being more open and honest yourself, you may end up getting what you want. But you have to go about it in a better way. You don't get open and honest by snooping and withholding information. You are doing the opposite of what you say you want. You are more likely to get what you want if your behavior is consistent with what you say you want. You have two choices and you can't have it both ways. You can't have an open and honest relationship, and also be secretive yourself.
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

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