To Trust or Not to trust?
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| Wed, 01-31-2007 - 6:47pm |
I need some advice, So i have been dating this guy for 9months and everything has been good. we get along enjoy our time together...Lately we have been pretty shakey-took a step back in our relationship too. Here is my problem
A couple of weekends ago he told me he was ging to hang out with a friend of his-that night i called and texted him he never replieddd
Til the next day-and i was like whats up? he is like oh we went to a friends out it was him, his friend and his friends girl so they left me out.
Then i come to find out he took someone with him-a girl who is just a friend of his but a girl i dont like..
Then this past saturday we went to a party-actually my guy threw the party
and all night a friend kept saying check ur man and i didnt listen to her cuz i trust him
But then she was like no go to the bar now.
I went there and he was hugging up on a girl-i asked him whats up? He said they are really good friends...
So i didnt say anything-instead I emailed that girl on myspace and asked her whats up-she said nothing we are good friends please dont think more of it. She told him that i asked her about him-and he got mad..
Than he emailed me saying
a relationship is based on Trust and you threw taht away when u asked her about us
and embarassed me and insulted us.
and he said he wants to be friends nothing more..
I honestly love this guy-and want things to workout
He needs to understand my view on why i did this
I did it because i wanted to make sure nothing was up.
wht do i do now?

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This girl-friend of his, you said he already knew you didn't like her. That sounds like it's likely that the two of you have talked about this girl and her being a friend of his. Did you say anything about not wanting him to be around her or did you give him any idea that you would be upset if you knew he was with her? How do you feel about guys having friends who are girls and being around them? Does he know what your feeling on that subject is?
Thanks in advance for your answers, it'll help give you an answer that really fits instead of guessing on some things and probably being wrong, which would make a lot of my answer wrong along with it!
I'll be checking back for your answers ~
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
This girl-friend of his, you said he already knew you didn't like her. That sounds like it's likely that the two of you have talked about this girl and her being a friend of his. Did you say anything about not wanting him to be around her or did you give him any idea that you would be upset if you knew he was with her? How do you feel about guys having friends who are girls and being around them? Does he know what your feeling on that subject is?
t
Yea we have talked about it and i have told him my issues about her...we have talked about it. You would think since he knew that he wouldnt do that. or atleast not hide it from me..
I dont have any problems with him having GIRL friends- he breakdances so he always has girls around him so its not an issue for me
its when he is hugging up on them-or hiding stuff from me that makes me mad.
I have told him what is going on-and he said that i need to trust him
and he said if we cant trust eachother..there is not point in us doing this at all.
You said you have talked about it and you told him your issues about this girl, what are your issues with her? What did he have to say about it?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
my issue with her is that she is pretty known here and she doesnt have a good reputation.
she said she has a boyfriend whom she loves very much but is having ups and downs with him-but i just dont trust her around him.
Well he doesnt have much to say to it-he says well i am good friends with her.
and to me its basically like "get over it
That isnt the reason we arent gettign along
he said he lost his trust in me-because at that party the girl we was hugging on-his friend
i asked her the next day if anyting was going on--she told him and he said i disrespected him and i admit i did.
I told him i messed up i did disrespect you- and he said he cant trust me.
he said i dont know how to trust you
and i told him i admit i messed up- i need a chance to rebuild my trust
I really love this guy and i want things to work btwn us
so i will do anything right now
and i know what i did was wrong
i should have believed him and left it at that.
There are a couple of things here....
You said when he says "well I am good friends with her." to you its basically like he's saying, "get over it", and you're right, he is. That's what he should be telling you too, he's friends with her, he has no plans to change that, nor should he. He shouldn't change how he treats her, or anything else because you don't like it. His job is to be who he really is and be true to himself. Your job is to be the same (who you really are) and to accept him as he is. If you don't agree with his way of thinking and don't agree with what he does, then it's his character you have problems with and it's telling you a relationship isn't right between you because of those big differences in how you feel opposite sex friends should be handled. I understand that you're concerned she may "get him" to cheat, but he has to be willing to do that, and if he's a cheater, then he's going to do it sometime with somebody whether he's "allowed" to have female friends or not. I don't know whether this girl's bad reputation is about cheating, or what, whatever it is, he knows what it is too; if he's voluntarily hanging with a girl who's known to lure guys away from their girls, that should tell you something about him -- unless they've been friends forever.
Now, about the trust.....
I don't quite get this... he lied to you about where he was and who he was with and he says he can't you? He's at a party hugging up on someone he knows you're not happy with him being around and he says he can't you? Sorry, Naireesa, he's given you more reason not to trust you than you've given him. And really, what is it he doesn't trust you about? Because you asked that girl what was going on? How is that a trust issue? Did he make you promise not to talk to her? Otherwise, just like he's free to be friends with anyone he wants and just like he's free to treat his friends any way he wants, you're free to email anybody you want. (I assume you didn't go off on her...?) He lied to you, that gives you reason not to trust him, not the other way around.
Here's the deal about opposite sex friendships...
In order to have an opposite sex friendship and keep your romantic relationship up you have to respect some "rules" that keep your friendships on an above board level and keep your bf/gf aware of what's going on. For instance, your bf/gf should meet your opposite sex friends, if you're going to be with those friends, your bf/gf should be made aware of it. Your bf/gf should also be invited to join you when you meet with them anytime they want, and sometimes you need to make a point to invite them. Your bf/gf should also be aware when you're talking to your opposite sex friends. I don't mean you have to "report" every conversation, email or text, but it's pretty easy to say, "I was talking to Anthony the other day and he said...", just a little something to let them know contact is happening. When you're aware what's going on and you're invited to go when you'd like to, there's no reason for suspicion or concern. Make sense? He didn't do those things with you with this girl. Maybe he lied because he already knew you didn't like her, but it sounds to me like he has no problem letting you know that he's going to be around her whether you like it or not, so trying to avoid telling you doesn't seem too likely.
To me, there's nothing wrong with him giving her a hug, but if you're saying they were hanging all over each other like there was something going on, then that's a problem. He should have told you ahead of time she was coming to the party, and if he didn't know, he should have told you when she showed up. He certainly should have let you know he was with her at the bar instead of letting you find them there. That was showing you no respect and no reason to trust him.
Honestly, his big "I can't trust you, you disrespected me" is taking no responsibility for his actions and putting it all on you. That's not fair and it's not right. To me, it sounds like he's trying to push you so you won't question what was going on. I could be wrong, but that's how it appears, you know, make a big fuss so nobody notices what's really going on.
Quite honestly, he lied to you, disrespected you, and showed now care or concern for your feelings. I don't think I'd try too hard to get back with a guy like that. If he admitted fault and was willing to handle things differently, I'd consider it, but if he's saying you're the one to blame, I'd walk, he's not treating you right.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
""" Honestly i have been myself with him- i have done soooo much for him and suuported him through so much. I dont care if he hangs out with whomever but i dont want him to hide it from me because then i question stuff...why did you if it was just friends-true i may not like her BUT still dont hide it from me...He has neverr cheated on me and i know he will never do that- i know him he ouldnt do that-i thinks its only because he hid that from me which makes me unsure i dont mind if they stay friends i jsut dont want him lieing to me...
Trust wise- He is upset with me because I emailed the girl saying "This is girl to girl please dont bring him into this i just want to be riends and ask you that nothing happened that night" Didnt go off on her just friendly convo-she told him and e got mad saying you embarrassed me and insulted us..You had my friends LIE to me...he said it was rude and selfish-but what am i supposed to do. he already lied to me
I was worried- i dont want to lose him..i have never given him a reason to suspect me because i dont do anything to hurt him or make him wonder whats going on
I dont mind him having girls as frineds as long as he doesnt lie to me about it...
He didnt invite me out that night because we had decided to take a step back and not see eachother as much- ok understandable but then doing that and hiding it from me that was wrong.
There is nothing wrong with them hugging. But to people it looked like more...
and to me it was like its ok i trust him-but when i saw it i was like wow-thats not right.
the whole time at the party he didnt hang out with me he was busy at the bar making sure the bar tab was up(since he threw the party) so i understood but not once did he come to the front to hang out with me...he was at the bar getting ppl to drink and enjoying himself. talkign to people and here i am in the front working and dealing with stuff. it bugs me...
He lied to me, it should be me not trusting him but i do...He only doenst trust me because i spoke to that girl when we had already talked about it so it hurt him and upset him..and said i went behind his back and did that
Naireesa, I didn't think you hadn't been yourself with him, and I also don't think he *had* to hide things from you, a guy who says, "Well
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
IMHO- I think you should cut your losses. As 2nd Life said, he's the one who's pushing you away and being disrespectful. Don't you want to have a guy who's PROUD to have you by his side? I think there are a lot of deeper issues here, "friend" aside. He's the one who's untrustworthy.
At this point, you're clinging on because you're afraid to lose him- and by doing this you're making him into something he's not and glorifying him when it's not due. Like he's the prize instead of you being the prize. This also makes you do things out of character that makes you act desperate.
Hey, most of us have been there. I have. I've found though that once the relationship ends you can move on to someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated. It hurts at first, but it's not like you'll never find someone new. I've loved my exes too, still do in a way. You'll always love him in a way. It doesn't mean he's right for you and that you deserve to be the scapegoat of why the relationship is "taking a step back".
In his eyes, taking a step back means he can do what he wants, no matter if it disrespects you in front of a lot of people. You need to sever things, and respect yourself.
Good luck,
Kristi
~Kristi
""" He shouldnt have hid anything from me- if he would have just told me i would have been okay-but for him to hide it from me makes me wonder why? was something going on? I dont care if they are friends i just dont want him to hide things from me.
He said i made his friend lie because when i spoke to the girl to ask her what happened saturday i told her not to tell him i spoke with her. Because i didnt want drama-but obviously she told him and he got upset that i made the person he is friends with lie to him.
He doenst understand my view on this...
Well we dont always go out together there are nights he does his own thing and that fine whatever its okay..but he should still respect me and not ignore my calls or text messages..
Well their hug didnt look normal- he was hugging her and they were talking too close- but then again the music was loud... It seemed to me like they kissed but they didnt( i know him better than that) bt they were pretty close he said they werent that close though..
He is blaming me for stuff that doesnt even mean anything...
I want hmim to just know that he hid things from me , and he disrespects me and thats why i did what i did. I never give him a reason to do that to mee..i just dont get it...
he will never find a girl who has done so much for him and if he does than its his luck but i dont think he will...he will regret this big time...
He has hurt me soo much
Disrespected me..
lost my trust for him...
I dont think he ever cared about "us" or else he wouldnt have done what he did...
I need to talk to him and make sure he knows that im not the only one wrong here he messed up as well....
I am willing to work with him if he is willing to change things..but if he doesnt understand where i am coming from then i am through with all this...
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