trying to figure something out about husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2012
trying to figure something out about husband
11
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 2:26pm

I hope some of you can offer some insight on this… my husband and I married last year and have been together for a total of six years now and are both in our mid-30s. I think we have a very strong relationship—we have similar goals, we have sex several times a week (he has a great sex drive, he initiates a lot and seems to be really into it) and he wants to have kids. He’s very loving, physically affectionate, we spend most of our free time together, have a lot in common, stay in touch throughout the work day, etc. In addition, my friends and family all like him and have been supportive of my relationship with him.

When we started dating several ago, my husband shared with me that he had an ex from grad school who thought he was gay because he had a few female friends, likes to cook and had a friend or two who was gay. Apparently, after one too many accusations, he dumped his girlfriend saying it was her problem if she didn’t like him for who he is (a straight guy who is not a stereotypical male). He also said that he once had a gay guy come on to him while he was at a party (before we met) and he had to tell the guy thanks but no thanks. He didn’t sound offended by the incident it at all—he just told the guy no and he even had a friend of his reiterate it to the guy. At the end of the talk, I asked him flat out if he is and he said no, he’s not gay, and left it at that.

Anyway, I’m starting to worry about these stories he told me long ago because, as silly as it sounds, since we got married, he’s started buying these tight athletic t-shirts. They make him look, well, really gay and I don’t want him wearing these shirts in front of my family because he looks so gay in them and knowing my family, they will ask me what’s with my husband’s outfit. The other day I wanted to tell him he looks like he works at a gay bar. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him this because I don’t want him to relive his former relationship and this time, relive it with his WIFE, who he thought accepted him.  To top it all off, I’ve noticed, when we’ve gone out and he’s wearing the shirts, that he seems to attract the attention of gay men (I’ve seen them looking him up and down). What can I say…. I can’t help but hear the words “It takes one to know one,” playing in my head whenever this happens. I know some of this sounds paranoid but I don’t know what to make of it…. I feel like this is all eating me up inside and like I need to ask him about this stuff again… there are so many stories out there about women who accidentally marry gay men who realize they are gay years into a relationship or marriage and I don’t want to be one of them… is there a way to approach this without upending my marriage and putting my mind at ease already? It isn't even just the shirts. I've noticed him doing the whole gay wrist thing on occasion. Or do I need to take a deep breath and accept that he’s indeed straight with certain traits and that these things were actually what attracted me in the first place (his interest in good food, foreign cultures, visiting museums, etc)? We’ve already been down this road and I think if I bring it up again it’s going to get ugly. I know what he’d say—he’d ask why I’m getting all bent out of shape over this and if he’s character bothered me so much I should have dumped him years ago. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 2:39pm

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Every trait will express itself in ways that we love and in ways that we dislike, depending on the current expression so this could be nothing more than the flip of that coin. if so, keep flipping the coin in your head like you did in your post and remind yourself of the ways that you appreciate said expression and can't have it without the other.

However and unfortunately for your situation, certain gay circles engage in relationship-free sex and with men, it only takes mere minutes to hook up so even though he spends a lot of time with you, well... you get my drift.

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