Trying not to be offended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Trying not to be offended.
3
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 5:35pm

I've been dating a guy for about eight months. We're both divorced, each have kids, work, etc. He has his kids every other week, while I have mine two evenigs a week and every other Sat-Sun. I usually stay at his house when he doesn't have his kids. I've been doing that for months, and now all of a sudden it's this huge issue. (A few weeks ago I moved from a friend's to my brother's house, because my friend was tired of my kids being there so much.) My bf was afraid that I was under the assumption that we were going to be living together. In no way did I assume that. Neither of us are ready for that. So now he's saying that he just wants us to be back to dating because we each need our own space. I get that. I can't be around someone 24/7 without wanting to run screaming sometimes, haha. But it just feels in a way like I'm unwanted. He's not seeing anyone else, so that doesn't cross my mind, but it's really hard for me to get into hanging out with him now because in the back of my mind, I'm like, "Is he just wanting me to leave yet?" type thing. Argh. I spent the night there last night, and was crabby the whole time, like I was feeling unwanted. It's a subject we've pretty much beat to death, so I'm not sure what's worth bringing up anymore, if anything.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 6:07pm

I agree with the others, focusing on getting your life on track, your own residence for you and your children (whether you continue to have them part time or more full time) is what's most important.  When you take care of your primary needs (home, life on track), the rest will fall into place.

Considering that you're residence is unstable and dependant on others, I think it's very likely that you're feeling more insecure and needy than you might realize.  If so, this is certainly bleeding into your relationship and may be making your boyfriend feel smothered or responsible whether you mean for him to or not.  This may well be the reason he's backing off.  Also, he may not find continuing to date someone who's unstable isn't acceptable and he may be backing off due to that.  That said, no matter what the reason, putting your focus on getting your life back on track is the route you need to go.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 6:00pm

momto3monkeys03 wrote:
<p>I've been dating a guy for about eight months. We're both divorced, each have kids, work, etc. He has his kids every other week, while I have mine two evenigs a week and every other Sat-Sun. I usually stay at his house when he doesn't have his kids. I've been doing that for months, and now all of a sudden it's this huge issue. (A few weeks ago I moved from a friend's to my brother's house, because my friend was tired of my kids being there so much.) My bf was afraid that I was under the assumption that we were going to be living together. In no way did I assume that. Neither of us are ready for that. So now he's saying that he just wants us to be back to dating because we each need our own space. I get that. I can't be around someone 24/7 without wanting to run screaming sometimes, haha. But it just feels in a way like I'm unwanted. He's not seeing anyone else, so that doesn't cross my mind, but it's really hard for me to get into hanging out with him now because in the back of my mind, I'm like, "Is he just wanting me to leave yet?" type thing. Argh. I spent the night there last night, and was crabby the whole time, like I was feeling unwanted. It's a subject we've pretty much beat to death, so I'm not sure what's worth bringing up anymore, if anything.</p>

You really haven't been dating him long enough for either of you to be thinking about you moving in with him. But something has been developing between you two that has led him to want to nip this in the bud before he gets into an arrangment that he's not prepared to handle.

How long ago did your divorce become final?  How is it that you've been turned out of a home for you and your 3 children?  Does their father pay any kind of support?

As most everyone who've answered your post on this an other boards have said, the most important thing for you to be doing is getting you and your 3 children settled in a home of your own, not trying to date anyone.

Your boyfriend may have thought that by virtue of the fact that you apparently are already spending some time over at his house, that is would be quite unfair to his children for your children to be living with him and you when they aren't full time.

He kind of did you a favor--you have unfinished business you need to be attending to that a relationship with him was starting to give you an out.  Take care of settling your children down in a home of their own first--the dating will fall into place when the time is right.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 12:27pm

What exactly does your BF mean when he says " he just wants to be back to dating"? Isn't that what you were doing already?

Is he saying he does not want you to stay over at all or just not as much?

Seeing as you do not have your own place, I could see him possibly being afraid that you were going to assume you could move in full time or at least afraid you were going to ask him if you could. I would think simply sitting down and talking about it and making it clear that you have no intentions of moving on nor do you want to at this point. Looking into getting your own place might allay his fears as well because right now you are sort of transient in your living arrangements.