Trying to understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Trying to understand
3
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 5:50am

Hi all,

I' ve written before with some minor problems and some advise, but I am a major lurker and really think you guys give great advise so here I am for some.

Brief history I am 38 my DH 52 we've been married 11 years together for 15 two kids DD 9 DS 6. I would say we have a great marriage supportive, loving fun and many other things every now and then however I seem to come to an obsticle that I just don't know what to doabout. All in all we might have had 10 of those in 15 years however every time it comes up I do not seem to be any better at handling them and I basicly break down for a couple of days.

The latest occured just last evening and I completly do not understand. My DD sings in a choir and has been very active in it for 5 years both me and DH supportive of it but do not like that occasionally the kids are treated like professionals and there are a few overtly ambitious parents that kind of take over the choir which can be annoying. We as parents mostly stay out of it but DD absolutaly loves it so we take her to practice and support her. However they had a Xmas concert last night at the National theater and it was quite a big deal I was somhow cought up in the grandour of things and was really excited so when the choir leader asked for a few moms to help during dress rehersal and the concert I volontered (without consulting DH it was spur of the moment thing) WHen we got home from practice I told DH he teased me a bit like are you going to become one of these moms who live thier life through their kids but it seemed to be teasing not a mojr problem. On the day of the dress rehersal/concert the kids + volonteer moms were to be all day at the theater. WHile the concert was starting ant 7pm. So DH was left on a Sunday with DS all day and with the task of giving tickets to different friends who were to meet hom at the theater 15 min before the concert Ofcourse one of them was late which left hime standing in freezing cold with DS for 20 min and she did not show up (my fault? well i knew her to be unreliable should I have refused to get her the ticket?) I managed to send him a text message that I want be able to get into the hall and to my seat before the concert actully starts since we have to be witht the kids backstage in the dark untill they go up and then sneak into the theater. When i finally got to the teather it was packed and there was no way I could go up to my seat I saw he was saving a seet for me but I could just not get to him so I ended standing through out the concert in the back and occasionally glimpsed him searching for me in the dark. So the concert went fine I was so proud of her the way she gave her heart into the concert. Before the end we had to sneak back out and into back stage get kids dressed and "deliver" them to their parents. So again I was the last to get out and saw DH DS and some family waiting for DD in me. He was great with DD told her how proud he was of her how it was fnatastic I noticed he did not say anything to me but with thecrowd I did nota pay attention to it. Finally in the car he is talking to kids but not to me I now know sth is wrong. We get home, give them dinner put them to bed. After it is all quite I try to talk to him he only has to say that he feels i completla negelcted the fact that he should have as a dad been able to enjoy concert, and that he is upset and angry, and he is now not talking to me. This morning we sent kids to school but as soon as they were gone he only told me to leave him alone.

So this seems so petty when you put it on paper however I see that he is really hurt? Is he being unreasonable or am I not seeing somethign? What th ehell did I do that is so hurtful?
The fact taht he can not talk I'm almost used to by now Whenever we have a fight rarely but when we do when he is angry he does not talk it takes some time for him to calm down and he is very good at not tlking in anger he believes this only causes words theat are not true come out so he tries to alwways calm down and then discuss I gree that this is good however it kills me not to be able to discuss it now so I can give him my point of view. and get it resolved.
Problem no 2 is that I can barely function when he is angry with me, I get the darekest visions of us splititng up, him leaving (he has never done this or thretened to this so it is obviously unfounded (I guess people don't get divorced just over a fight like this!!!) But I am on a verge of breaking down and crying in my office which is obviously not a thing to do. So what do I do ? I am trying to give him space only sent one txt. to him since morning no reply. He does not have e-mail so I can not write? Am i just crazy woriing so much?

Again I am sorry for burdening the board with almost a teenage problem but it just does not feel right!!!

all input welcome

LJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 6:21am

Oh man, I hate the silent treatment. The last time a boyfriend did that to me, I broke up with him. However, you are married with kids and aren't in a situation to throw him out. I would suggest that when he calms down, you need to discuss two things.

1. is that the silent treatment is not acceptable. My personal opinion is that it's self indulgent and juvenile (not that I'd say this to him because it would only stoke the fire!) I believe that one should either share their problems or act normal and not make everyone else share in their misery. When you are in a space where you can both communicate without anger, decide on an action plan whereby he can be comfortable expressing his opinions without anger. He and you may need professional help when learning different problem solving tactics

2. is to discuss the night in question. The topic being "What went wrong for you? How did it make you feel? And how can we do it better next time?"

And for the record, if your friend was known to have been unreliable, then you should have made alternate plans for her to pick up the ticket. I've got one or two friends who I wouldn't wait for in the cold because they may not show up....and I'd certainly not ask someone else to do it either.

good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 6:30am

I'm guessing that your husband's thoughts are: "We didn't discuss the volunteering, she just did what she wanted to do; I got stuck handing out the tickets in the cold while she was warm in the theater, sitting around and talking to the other moms; I wondered where she was all during the concert, and was worried about her."

This is the sort of exasperation that ALWAYS attends events of this sort, and once your husband is able to discuss the situation with you, that is the conclusion you both will reach. Some thoughts for the future: did you love being a backstage mom, and want to do it again? They provide an important service, but you have to replan all your pre-concert activities: let people come to you to get the tickets, leave them at the will-call window, something like that, so no one is freezing in the cold to get them delivered; Dad and DS go to the theater earlier, with games, books, etc, and sit on the aisle in a pre-determined location; everybody promises to cut everybody else some slack and focus on the important person in all of this: the little singer.

In the meantime, although your husband's method of dealing with anger would drive me nuts, too, bear in mind that he's NOT saying the words that are not true, so he's still with you, you're still a unit. One half of the unit just had a difficult afternoon. If your husband is the type of person who likes to plan things carefully, and who gets anxious if the plans start to unravel, it may help to have a what-if discussion before the next concert: What if someone doesn't pick up the ticket promptly (give it away), what happens if we can't sit together (put the cell phone on vibrate, and I'll let you know where I am)--that sort of thing. It may be that your husband has limited experience with performance, but as a former actor who is married to a singer and raised a little ballerina and a kid in a band, I have always found that total chaos often rules when you're trying to get the curtain up, so performance of any kind is the fine art of rising to the occasion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 7:25am

Thank you both for answering I just talked to him on the phone. Geoteo you were completly right that is exactly how he felt it helped when I asked him if this was the problem. iv aisha yes the silant treatment is the killer especially for someone like me who wants to get everything out in the open ASAP and get solution. Anyway we are going for lunch in an hour to discuss further in peace before the kids get home and it ends up being another hectic night. What worries me though still more them him is my reaction to his anger/hurt/unhappiness with me. Why do I think when he has never shown any intent to do so fear that every fight is the end. I go bisirk. That seems to be the real issue how do I handle his anger or hurt as not loving me and wanting out. I know it must be my insecurity but after this long I should really relaize that he wants to be with me and is not going anywhere. I guess I need to work on this somehow. I am not in the US or from US so therapy is not that easily accesable but I might need to look into it. Thank you both once again it really helped to get it out and get someones opinion while waiting for him to talk..

LJ