ugh! I NEVER TRUST hi:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
ugh! I NEVER TRUST hi:(
28
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 11:51am
I love my boyfriend so much! We started off super rocky....when we were only dating, he was dating many others....when we became officially "exclusive"...I still found it hard to believe him, and I still do! Everything he used to tell me was a lie..where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. It got to the point where I questioned EVERY SINGLE THING he said, did...I almost thought he didn't know what the truth was. Most of his lies have to do with who he talks to, hangs out with, still talking to ex, etc. It almost made me crazy, and there were so many times I just wanted to give up and move out! I live with him...
Anyways, I know he has been trying hard with me. I told him he couldn't really earn my trust, and that I would have to give it to him. I have been TRYING SO HARD! I have been doing really great with getting on him about things...such as...asking him why he came home at one am, or why he went on the porch to call someone....
Anyways, today was really stupid, but I lost it! He left for work way later than normal, which is odd, and I called him because I forgot something and he told me he was getting gas. He got a full tank yesterday though, so I immediately jumped on him and went back to my old self. I was like...where are you really? You have a full tank of gas, so you are LYING! He got upset with me and we hung up. I started to feel bad..and I thought about it for a bit. He does really odd things like that ALL THE TIME. I just don't trust him completely yet! I apologized, but i am finding it hardd to just automatically trust him.
What can I do and how do I keep from losing him if i keep accusing him...but how do I even keep myself from thinking he is still lying! I just keep hearing once a liar always a liar...and that just sticks with me. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 6:29pm

You're right, you need to grieve the loss of the relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 6:31pm

Look at it this way: you've learned so much about yourself in this past year that you wouldn't have learned had you not done this. You didn't know how strong you really could be until this test landed in your lap. You know that you can't abide a liar, no matter how good they kiss or how good they look in their clothes. There comes a time when one cannot ignore their bottom line, "I will walk" issues. He gave you no other choice but to leave, if you were to maintain your dignity and self esteem.

Yeah, he will go and play himself as the victim to anyone who will listen to him cry about it because he knows no other way. Taking responsibility for that which he has brought about in his life is anathema to him.

(((hugs to you)) Be good to yourself in the interrim.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 6:35pm
Yup. My picker is broken. I think that I need a lot of time to figure out what I want. I think being single and dealing with getting my life straight once I leave here is what I will need to do for a long time. I need to follow my dreams and move to CO. I NEVER thought I would get hurt so bad. When I logged into his cell phone account, since his password was super easy, I just lost it! His excuses do nothing for me. I have heard it so many times from him that he isn't lying, and he has come up with a slick story each time. Not anymore. It's time to grieve a lot more than the loss of a relationship, and someone who was obviously playing me for a fool. It's time to grive the loss of my pride. I am insecure now. I will have trouble trusting anyone again, but most of all....I need to finally live.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 6:38pm

You'll get through it -- you really will.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 7:30pm

you write: "I will have trouble trusting anyone again,"

The best thing that you can do for yourself, outside of talking with a therapist about this, is to not punish other men for what this one guy did to you. Not all men are untrustworthy. Not all men will reach for the lie first. There are men out there who possess integrity and honor; who were taught right; who know how to treat others and how to esteem them properly. It would be a shame to punish someone of good, upstanding character for something he didn't do to you.

Do take some time to heal and be by youself; it's important that you do. Learn to trust YOU again and when you do that, you will be able to measure each man on his own merits and not use the skewed yardstick your ex left you with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:59pm

Agree with Quenek.

Once you get your picker fixed, you will be able to trust again. You see, we don't so much trust our partner - it's more about being able to trust ourselves.

After you've done counselling and learned how to pick the right guys, you then need to trust that you can look after yourself. You need to trust that you will be able to dump a guy with red flags.

If you can trust yourself to look after you, then you'll find the right guy. Because you'll be confident that you can dump anyone who doesn't behave accordingly.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:25pm

Your wife is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 12:52am
I'm glad you've made the decision to leave. Even though this situation has been resolved, I think it's important for you to take a look at the errors you made so that they're not repeated in your next relationship.


Your statement about trust is completely backwards. Trust IS earned, it's not possible to just chooses to give it, you will automatically give it when your inner "inner protection system" says it's appropriate to do so. Until then, you won't trust. So what does it take to get your "inner protection system" to trust? Repeated examples that prove him trustworthy. Anytime you hear lies or excuses that don't make sense that goes against any trust you may have built up, it puts him back to square one. He has to earn your trust by showing himself to be trustworthy. Oh sure, you can act like you trust him and go through the motions even though you really don't, but the toll it'll take on your emotional state (and eventually your physical state as well) won't make you happy or healthy.


You stated the he lied to you constantly, but that he was really trying. Honestly isn't something you try for, you either have it or you don't. If he doesn't have it, he's not worth it. If he lies about the small things, it's a sure bet he'll lie about the big ones too. Why wouldn't he? It's the big ones that'll get him in trouble, the little ones are nothing! You struggled to get through oddities; leaving for work early, saying he was getting gas when you knew he had a full tank. Why in the world would you beat yourself up and work to trust him more when these things are clear and obvious LIES and inconsistencies? It's never a good idea to ignore what's clearly inaccurate. Trust yourself. Here's something that might be helpful to you: If someone tells you something that doesn't make sense, the reason that it doesn't make sense isn't because you're stupid, don't get it or can't understand it, the reason it doesn't make sense is because it doesn't make sense. In other words, when a statement that some guy makes to you (about whereabouts, excuses, etc.) raise a question mark in your head, instead of working to justify it you need to see the question mark as a red flag that what he's saying isn't right.


Continuing along the lines you've proceeded down in this relationship will get you nothing but unhappiness. Trust yourself, make people earn your trust and don't believe liars. I also agree that a therapist to look at how you view relationships would be a very proactive thing for you to do.

Trust








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 7:25am
Last night I told him I was leaving. He said he doesn't want me to go...wow..because I have put up with this for so long (I am no longer myself)...but he understands why I want to go. He said we are in a cycle...he lies to me, and I get pissed and hurt him back...and THAT is why he told me he continues to lie to me. The cycle isn't MY CYCLE. I mean, sure ....I guess it is because I have stayed and put up with this, but the way he made it sound was that he lies because I keep hurting him with my REACTION. Well, uh, YEAH...he destroyed me. I am not fun to be around anymore, I am not funny anymore, I cry all the time..wishing I moved to CO that day and didn't change my decision...KNOWING what he was like. :( Anyways, I go running and he went with me so we could "talk." Some girls were running by us at the same time, and he was like...i bet you know which one I like. Ok, so I slapped him across the face. We haven't talked since. I don't know how I will pay for anythng when I leave my job, but what I do know is that...this is better for me in the long run. I have NEVER ever ever ever been inclined to hit or slap someone...I just can't believe I did it, and that he is the person I fell for. Wow. Excuse the pun, but this is all one big slap in the face..and it's my fault for staying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:25am
I agree that ending this relationship is the right thing to do.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"