ugh! I NEVER TRUST hi:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
ugh! I NEVER TRUST hi:(
28
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 11:51am
I love my boyfriend so much! We started off super rocky....when we were only dating, he was dating many others....when we became officially "exclusive"...I still found it hard to believe him, and I still do! Everything he used to tell me was a lie..where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. It got to the point where I questioned EVERY SINGLE THING he said, did...I almost thought he didn't know what the truth was. Most of his lies have to do with who he talks to, hangs out with, still talking to ex, etc. It almost made me crazy, and there were so many times I just wanted to give up and move out! I live with him...
Anyways, I know he has been trying hard with me. I told him he couldn't really earn my trust, and that I would have to give it to him. I have been TRYING SO HARD! I have been doing really great with getting on him about things...such as...asking him why he came home at one am, or why he went on the porch to call someone....
Anyways, today was really stupid, but I lost it! He left for work way later than normal, which is odd, and I called him because I forgot something and he told me he was getting gas. He got a full tank yesterday though, so I immediately jumped on him and went back to my old self. I was like...where are you really? You have a full tank of gas, so you are LYING! He got upset with me and we hung up. I started to feel bad..and I thought about it for a bit. He does really odd things like that ALL THE TIME. I just don't trust him completely yet! I apologized, but i am finding it hardd to just automatically trust him.
What can I do and how do I keep from losing him if i keep accusing him...but how do I even keep myself from thinking he is still lying! I just keep hearing once a liar always a liar...and that just sticks with me. Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:25pm
Where did you come up w/the theory that you GIVE trust and it's not earned?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 3:38pm
It isn't a theory. He lied (and lies) so much, that when he asked me to put trust in him and his actions, I seriously thought about it....
Knowing that I had been lied to so much at that point, I just said....
there is NO WAY you can earn my trust at this point. I have to give you my trust.
Everyone agreed with me when I talked to them about it.....my mom, my best friend, etc. Just because I thought that I could give him my trust, does not mean that people can judge my actions..or criticize something that I FELT WAS RIGHT, and what I felt would allow me to at least try to move forward from that point. (I am not saying YOU ARE CRITICIZING ME, but my judgement is my call, and I did what I felt was right at the time)
It may sound stupid and a huge waste of my time, but I have been trying so very hard to stay with him. A lot of people do not realize what it means to leave him. I have no money saved. I have to move back across the state, quit my job...I have a car payment, bills, student loans...and falling behind again is going to hurt me. I have benefits that kick in in 3 weeks..I need to go to the Dr. I am going to lose a lot, but I will gain a lot back when I leave.
I am just trying to say, that giving him my trust was a way to give myself peace...at least for a bit. I never really actually did though...I found out that once it's gone, it's gone. I never trusted him from that point. I will never trust him again. I grew to love him....a lot. It's hard to leave, but harder to know I will be struggling when I leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 5:55pm
Yeah...Im absolutely not criticizing you. I just dont think you should give trust UNTIL someones actions warrant it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 7:36pm

you write: ".and THAT is why he told me he continues to lie to me."

No, he lies because he chooses to lie. Plain and simple. If he got no payoff from lying, he wouldn't do it. It has nothing to do with how you react to him lying. It has to do with him choosing to do so. Period.

you write: "The cycle isn't MY CYCLE. "

exactly. I applaud you for writing this. It is your truth.

It also goes to show what a low character he has for provoking you.

When you begin to trust in yourself, you will begin to believe that your decisions for your life are good ones (moving to CO) and things will work out for you the way they're supposed to. Change is a scary thing--and I've pulled up my stakes 3 times to move across country and back again--from MO, to CA back to MO to NJ and now, onto DC in a week. But my life has worked out for me and DBF, who I met in CA, has been a constant source of support (we live together right now and he's moving to DC in about 4 months--it just so happened I secured work there sooner than I had anticipated and my babygirl--well, she'll be 23 in 2 weeks--is living there.)

I might be different from most people, in that I have wanderlust, but I say make that move. If your heart is telling you to go to CO, then secure your employment there, figure out where you will live and make your move. The moutains are so beautiful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:49am
When you post on a public forum, it's almost certain that you will get some responses that you don't like or don't agree with, and that's fine. The beauty of the boards is you get many differing points of view and are free to take those you like and disregard the rest. No one here is judging or attacking you. We all understand how it is to leave relationships that we were invested in, we've all been there. You came looking for thoughts and advice and you got exactly that. If there are members who's advice you don't care to read, you can use the "ignore" feature. If you need help putting i"ignore" into action, let me know either here or by email at cl-2nd_life@comcast.net, I'll be happy to help you.


Wendie72 is quite right, trust is earned, not simply given out, any relationship counselor or therapist will tell you that. It's just this kind of thinking that illustrates your need for some work with a therapist. That's why I suggested working with a counselor to help you learn what is appropriate to accept for yourself, and in doing so learn what is appropriate in relationships. I think until you learn some better thinking you're going to continue to choose relationships that are dysfunctional and will be a constant source of struggle and unhappiness.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 10/4/2006 2:20 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 11:16am
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I know that people will have advice and thought I do not like, but that does not mean I am going to ignore them. I just warranted my actions and choices. Just as everyone has their advice and opinion, I also have decisions that I have to make, and have made to this point. The decisions I have made may not be what some people or a lot of people would agree with, but that is MY DECISION. I have made choices for myself that I thought would make me happy. I didn't want to just give up. I thought he would change. He promised me he would. I stayed. So what if people make decisions that others don't get. That is what teaches up what we need to know for the future. I mean goodness, I understand my situation. I came here looking for people to offer advice. I did not want people to ask me where or why or how I came to the decisions I made. I wanted happiness, I tried hard for it, and I lost. Other than that....when I tried to give him my trust, I knew it was a no-win battle. BUT...I did what I could at the time to put in one last effort.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 2:14pm

>>I did not want people to ask me where or why or how I came to the decisions I made.<<

Without understanding you and your thought processes and how you live your life, we can't give anything but vague advice. I can tell you what worked for me but wouldn't you need to know WHY I thought it worked for me and what led me to that conclusions? Or that I'm a very assertive personality while my H is a total passive/aggressive? Because that last question alone could totally change whether or not what I did would work for you. Not only that, but you want advice on one concrete decision and we're trying to help you not have to come back in 5 years asking the same question with a different guy.

I want to learn as much as I can on improving what I do and how I do it to be the healthiest person I can be. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again, and if I can avoid making a mistake altogether because someone here has already done it and learn from theirs, instead of going through the pain of it on my own, all the better.

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 2:33pm
I have been told to go to counseling for my issues, but I didn't think I would get it here at the same time. What I meant by that statement was regarding why or how I came to the decision to GIVE MY TRUST to my bf. I was trying to make it clear that people handle situations differently, and it isn't really for anyone to stand back and question every individual's reasoning. Sure, it's good for some people to know every little detail, so that they can give calculated advice, but in my case, I was only hoping for love. People do things for the people they care for no matter what people say. I was hanging on every way I could, and if that meant deciding to give him my trust, so be it. As I already said a few times before...I knew it wouldn't work, but hope drives me on, and it still does.
I still love him. He isn't the only liar out there. I just started with a simple question. Everyone has answered it honestly and I appreciate it all. I have taken what most of you said and thought about it long and hard. How do you think I decided to just give up and start over?
If I told you about my life, you would read a book. If I knew why I made certains decisions, I would tell you. If I knew how to fix my problems, I wouldn't ask for advice, and I wouldn't ask for a shoulder to cry on.
My situation isn't easy. I am sad. I am crushed. While taking my issues as well as my feelings into consideration, I believe certain people can be a little less judgemental. That is my opinion.
I really do appreciate what everyone is saying, however, having to explain all my reasons for trying to save my relationship shouldn't be so confusing. I did it for what I thought was love.

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