ultra sensitive, dramatic fiance

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
ultra sensitive, dramatic fiance
14
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 2:04pm

hello ivillage community!

i'm engaged to a guy that i have been with for 2 1/2 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 2:16pm

Wow. This relationship may feel great when it's good, but consider that the test of a relationship is really when things aren't good. How two people pull together and weather hard times is what really counts.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I think you're marrying the wrong guy. A 40-something who hasn't had a long term relationship and doesn't have close friends... That may not necessarily mean anything, but to me they are signs to watch out for.

This guy's reaction to a disagreement, or you voicing your opinion, is to basically hold you hostage and punish you. I really hate his attitude and I wonder why you would even consider spending the rest of your life with someone with whom you fight so often, and who isn't a fair or reasonable person.

You say "typical guy stuff" but my "typical guy" is something of a slob but if I start to put his empty glasses away, he'll take them out of my hand and go load the dishwasher. He doesn't treat my desire to keep the house clean as some kind of punishment against his manhood.

You're engaged to a manbaby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 2:45pm

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 3:30pm

What you said about him as very kind contradicts his behavior where the “general rules of courtesy don’t apply for him.”

The fact he does not take responsibility for his behavior and you cannot really communicate your feelings seems to be a barrier to any real close relationship as well.

In any relationship it does not matter to me if the person is an only child or from a large family, whether they grew up in poverty or in privilege, whether they are a guy or a gal if they behave badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 3:32pm

The behavior he's displaying is that of a spoiled child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 9:39pm
Why would you want to stay with someone you feel you are "always walking on eggshells with"? Here's the thing. Once you get married these issues are going to be magnified 20X, have kids and it will be even worse. Take my word for this cause I've been there before. You should cut your losses and find someone much more compatible.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 10:19pm

Welcome to the board, Dpplgngr ~

I, like the others (I think) wonder why you're with a guy like this.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 1:33am
What do you mean by "sensitive" communication? Regardless, his defensive mechanism is working and you ar paying the price because he doesn't pull his weight, it builds, you pob get pissed and tell him and he then turns into the spoiled brat with all the control.

For years I dd all the cooking, cleaning, laundry it up with our two kids under age two and worked FT in 10 hr shifts. My husband would sulk if i didn't give him the ol,atta boy. I was like really? Are u kidding me? He'd want affection and all unwanted was sleep. I wanted unsolicited help around the house and he really wanted that pat on the back. We wanted those things because that's his we showed each other our love. That we cared and that we were understood.

I think it's hard to find the right balance in home duties because in some areas it's not possible at any given tie, but each helping each other in ways we know the other likes cultivates reciprocated caring and respect.

Your fiancé doesn't look eye to eye with you. He doesn't see you as an equal partner. He is the man and you are the woman. Beneath him. You deserve more than that. It's ok to want and expect more than that.

I agree with other posters in that if your situation is truly as you described then i think marriage could make it worse. Please think this thru carefully. You stand to lose the very most here. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 10:11am
hi 2nd_life,
you're right about my approach. i have been working on that and feel that i've changed a lot in the last year but his reaction is definitely waaay over the top.
yes - i pay for half of everything, including all the costs associated with moving to our current location (we moved across the country for his job). he used to clean here and there at his old place, but he also had his parents' housekeeper over every other week.....which he paid for.
10-12 hrs is now his typical working day and i understand there is an adjustment period since he was working 8hrs a day w/ every other friday off. but i don't think that should excuse him from picking up after himself. i'm talking about basic things like taking your glasses back to the kitchen or putting your shoes away. we both had large apartments before and now we're both paying twice as much for a 1bd apartment in manhattan.
i'm receiving severance at the moment but he is making more than me and has triple the savings. if he has the extra income and is used to paying for housekeeping, is it unfair for me to expect him to pay for a new housekeeper? he had one b/c he doesn't like cleaning, so why doesn't he pay for one now? is it fair for me to become that housekeeper simply b/c i'm not working?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 10:24am

hi still.standing,

"sensitive" communication basically means that he wants me to talk/approach him the same way he does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 11:40am
It takes practice and conscience thought on both our parts. I try to do it every time, and like anything that is practiced it is more natural. It's an easy way to make him feel loved and appreciated. But he has helped me around the house too. It goes both ways. If you are the only one trying that won't work either. Goodluck

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