uncompromising hubby
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| Wed, 05-31-2006 - 3:58pm |
Hi,
I got married when i was 23.5 yrs and got into this spider web! now I dont know whether I should leave him or give more time? this is drivig me nuts! I have a new job to go to from next month and I am here sitting and crying every day of my life. We have been arguing over all things ever since we got married- for going out to a restuarant, cooking, arranging home with wall decorations!, picking a movie to watch and what not. I mainly think its becx he is 7 years elder to me and he usually thinks I cannot make any better decision on any matter than what he can make. I am fed up of being treated as a small girl ever since we started living together. Since I have been telling him not to think of me a small girl, he has now started to act sane. He used to tell me ten times where and how to park when I went to school. I know how to take care of myself!
He is a very different sort of character compared to most of my friends and I. We share no common interests. In spite of all these differences, I choose to live with him thinking he willl compromise and settle down. It has been 6.5 years. But he always says that it is difficult to adjust with me, spend time how I like, eat at home on some saturdays (it's ok, right? we need not go out for dinner every Sat!). I am tired of fighting and not being happy when I know that we can be happy. He says he can't have sex with me up until the day I stop arguing with him. Now is this fair? I have never heard of this in any marriage! How the hell can anyone predict that we will fight tomorrow over some coffee table or futon? thats what it is- he wants me to shut my mouth and agree with what ever he tells. He has taken away my little happiness ever since we got married. I have seen no one arguing over some silly things like he has done to me, since I came to USA. He simply tells me that 'You have to adjust to me, you should not argue back and shout' I am a computer science graduate and I deserve equal amount of respect and adjustment and compromise from my partner! He has started to cry when I ever I argue and talk loudly. he says he lost his father at young age and he has ever since struggled to come up. now I have told him he has been brave and hard working to acheive his position today, but that should not come between our relationship. He everytime threatens me of having a very bad headache and that his left leg goes numb when we fight. Yes, he gets a severe headache and his family has a history of brain clot. But he cannot use this against me when we fight! He has always done this- making me feel guilty. If I say 'No' to anything he wants, he starts arguing, his face becomes sad like a small child denied of chocolate!
I seem to have lost interest with him now and not able to decide whether I should move out separately or even go back to my parents back in India? I told my parents everything about our relationship and my parents tell me they are with me irrespecitve of what decision I take. My sex life is NULL. If a couple fights, do they have sex or completly stop having sex? Someone help me!

Welcome to the board, Gulabi1 ~ A few answers and a few questions:
You indicate that your husband has been like this ever since you got married, and also indicate that you came to the US from India to marry him. How well did you know him before you married him? How much time had you spent with him? Before you married did he treat you like an equal, with respect and courtesy? He certainly isn't treating you that way now. From what you've said, he seems to think of you as an inferior person rather than his equal. And it's almost certain that he thinks of women in general this way, it's not just you.
Every couple fights on occasion, but it doesn't end their sex lives. Obviously, you aren't much in the mood for sex if you're actively angry at someone, which typically means the day of the argument, but you resolve the issue and in doing so, the no-sex mood goes with it. At first I had the feeling that your husband uses sex (or lack of) as a punishment, or as a way to get you to do things his way all the time, but if your sex life is really basically non-existent I'd say it's more likely that he has sexual problems (can't perform like he should) or perhaps he's having an affair or otherwise "relieving" his needs? What do you think? I also thought the same about the headaches and the leg numbness, that he uses those like a child -- as threats to get you to comply with his wants, but when you put it all together, he doesn't sound very emotionally stable. It sounds like he may have some serious mental health issues.
I will say that if you've it's been like this for 6.5 years, it's extremely unlikely that it's going to change; what you're seeing is his set personality, not a problem "bump" to get through. Problem bumps would be resolved in a few weeks or so, months and years says this is what there is, this is how he is and this is how it's going to be. I'm glad you have supportive parents and I'm glad you're talking to them about this.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 6/1/2006 1:10 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi,
Thank you for replying back. I wanted to tell this to someone other than my parents and making them worry abt me :-(
yes, I met him in india, we spoke for about 2 weeks- then i was working in bangalore, he was here in SFO. He came back from india and immediately told my father he liked me. moreover he is my cousin's close friend. I thought my hubby will also adjust, sacrifice for his love- his wife. But no- 2 friends cannot be the same. I don't know what came to me, even I told my father I am ready to marry this man. At that time I thought i was not making a mistake because: I always thought I should marry someone elder than me since he would be more realistic and experienced in life. I wanted to marry some one who is settled in life-he was having a nice job here is USA. I wanted him to be open minded-he seemed to be. He is a good man, but I now know he is very sensitive, very adamant.
So, yes initially all looked good, he had told me he cant stand any music! I even agreed to that. I compromised then and there in India when he told this before marriage.
I came to see how much he argued over any small issue like cooking, eating out, demanding me to not to put on closed toe shoes for friday dinner! It is so cold here and sometimes I feel like wearing closed shoes on Fri/SAt. Please! Why fight over this? So, I gradually developed a hatred feeling towards him after we fight for little things. But I am in no way saying he has abused me or anything. In terms of respecting me, I feel he has not listened to my feelings and he usually pushes it off thinking it is not important to him. So he has not thought how I would have felt nor he knew that the consequences would be very bad if he ignored my little happiness. His arguments have put me off each time. And I am feeling I am not getting equal decision power or rights in the marriage. His character is good, as a person he is good, but his non adjusting nature has proved to be more negative than his good characters. How unfortunate am I?
When it comes to divorce related fights, it is always me who would have uttered out that line first. He makes it a point to tell that later to me that I was the one who threatened him. But that would come out from me because of fear where this is leading since he still fights over the same topics he has been doing since 5 years. Now, this has taken away my hopes. His good qualities are getting blurred in front of my eyes. After all this, we have also had so many good days where we have not fought. So he could have gone to the medical stores and got a condom right? He could have DONE THIS ONCE!
This is when I realized that either he is punishing me for arguing or there is something with his ego. His close friend also had not touched his wife for 6 years, she realized that she is beeing cheated and she is filing for a divorce now. I cant belive I am in the same loop here.
I am 30 now and I should think of my biological clock- i have tried explaining this to my husband. His answer will be:"Promise me u will not fight with me for 3 months and then we will have sex." Am I being fooled here? who has the problem? I am s confused. I will be frank with you all- Even I have screamed and yelled at him, and I have agreed to my mistakes, but I cannot be the only committing mistakes for 6 years now, right? He openly tells me that he cannot come down to my level. He is sad that he cannot talk about Mutual Funds with me for hours. And I am worried about other simple things here. Trust me, this is how it has been. I am not asking him to fall down to a low level, he cannot get simple things straight though.
I am sorry for this long email. Any reply will be appreciated. What do I do?
thanks.
At minimum, you both need help. With a counselor. It is NOT normal to say "Promise me you won't fight with me for 3 months and then we will have sex." That is NOT right. Not right at all. Getting mad and forcing you to wear a specific type of shoe when you don't want to is NOT right.
Jen
What you have described
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Please don't apologize for the length of your post. I'm glad you were able to explain and I'm glad you had the chance to tell it all.
I have to tell you I fail to see your husband's character as good, but I agree that the negative in him than there is good. It sounds like you married him after hardly knowing him at all, and it sounds like you had no idea what kind of man he really was. Two weeks isn't long enough to have any idea who a person really is, neither is two months. In a year you usually have a pretty good idea. Your husband is indeed abusive. It is not normal or acceptable to make the kinds of demands he makes on you, what kind of shoes you wear, to refuse to have sex until you agree not to fight. That's ridiculous. Actually, what he's trying to do is force you into complete submission, so that you do not have a will or a choice of your own, you do exactly what he wants at all times without disagreement. That's not a life, that's being held prisoner. No one should live like that. Gulabi1, he has been like this for five year, that's not going to change, this is who he is, this is how he is. Can you imagine living the rest of your life like this? Is this a life you'd like to live? It sounds like a miserable existence to me. Five years of your life have already been spent like this. How many more will you waste here? How many more are you willing to waste here?
It sounds like your parents don't tell you what they think you should do, but instead tell you they'll support whatever you decide. I think what they're really wanting to say is for you to please leave this situation and come home. No parent wants to see their child live like this. No parent wants their child to live in abuse. When I was married to an abusive man, my parents said nothing, but when I told them I was leaving him my father said, "It's about time."
Gulabi1, you need to do what you want to do, the decision has to come from you. But if you're asking me what I think, I think there's no question that you should leave, and as soon as possible. You want him to be who he was for two weeks, when he's been someone else for five years. I think it's very clear that what he appeared to be for two weeks was him being nice to get you, what you've seen for five years is the real him. I hope you go soon, very soon. You won't find happiness until you do.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
yes, i am almost there - leaving him. i know i dont deserve this kind of treatment from him. which girl would not be fed up of asking her husband to think abt having sex? i am even ashamed of writing this.
u know what- i am having a new offer to join this month end. i just came back from my india trip a mnth ago. i am not believing myself when I am doing this- i am again going to india tomorrow! u know why? this time i am not able to stand any fights, any arguments from him and i could not stay at home all day doing nothing. i used to work and i am again back to my career. that is the only rescuer for me now. i am gonna stay with mom and dad for 14 days and come back.
moreover, i am meeting with my ex-boyfriend. he is now married - he told me he waited for me for all these 6 years. he knows i was married off in a forceful circumstance, but again he was not settled at that time and I was pissed off with him. that is why i decided to leave him and marry my husband. guess what? now my ex-boy friend is there for me as a true friend. i am so angry with myself. i am going to tell him all.
thanks u guys for writing back. bye- i am leaving tomorrow to india! i will be back soon :-)
You've had a job offer in India? That's great! I understand being ready to leave takes time, and it sounds like you know you're almost to that point, but honestly, I hope you'll rethink this, go back to India and stay there - not going back to him at all. It's a bad, hurtful, damaging situation that isn't going to get any better, the sooner you leave the sooner you're out of it and through it, and that will be a good thing.
I must caution you though, meeting up with a married friend who waited for you for six years and now wants to renew your friendship is not something you should do. You pretty clearly indicate you have feelings for him, and it's a pretty sure bet he does too. You'll be putting yourself in a dangerous situation, one that may have you cheating with a married man, being the cause of his divorce, hurting yourself, his family and yours. That's not the way to start a relationship, and it's not the kind of "friendship" you need while you're married and considering divorce. I would strongly urge you to tell him you don't think meeting him is a good idea and leave that one alone. If you were divorced and he were divorced it would be a different matter, but that's not how it is. Don't throw yourself from one bad situation into another.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"