Understanding Men
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Understanding Men
| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:50pm |
My question is this. Do men really need us women? I know what the bible says, but really do you think it's just about companionship? WE are the weaker sex do we need a man/men? Is it that simple? Then why when you get with someone it becomes complicated? I know of a few men that live really lonely lives and they are fine with that!!! Said no complications, no child support, no one to tell me what to do, can make my own messes, no abuse, no problems! My money is all mine I take care of myself. How do you help an ornary man? When he says he loves me does he really mean it in a tenderhearted way??? I met a very needy man how do I handle it? OMG this is more than one question! lmao. -Dawn

Is this a new guy or the guy you've posted about before?
Manners when dining out
Career Stress
I've got some other posts to answer before yours, I'm hoping you'll have a chance to come back and answer before I get to you, and maybe even tell us a little bit about what's going on, how he's needy, etc.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 5/16/2006 12:08 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm sure there are lots of thoughts and ideas about the questions you ask. Personally, I think we are physically the weaker sex, but that doesn't mean we have to have a man in our lives to survive -- or even to be happy for all that. I think first and foremost we have to be happy, secure and satisfied with ourselves, without needing a man at all. Once you've arrived there you'll be ready to move into a relationship with the kind of competence and confidence you need. I think it's important to make the right choice, and to make the right choice you have to take time - lots of time - before committing to a relationship, you also have to be able to be honest and look with your eyes and your head, not your heart. What you want and love may not be healthy or right for you, you have to be able to logically say, "As much as I'm liking this, I know this would never be right for a lifetime." I think not every person is honest, sometimes hiding issues or personality traits until a commitment is made. Trying to have a relationship that's healthy and can grow when you're dealing with issues that were hidden is pretty much impossible. So, I think it's crucial that you are both completely honest -- and again looking with your eyes and your head; often there are signs of problems that we shove aside rather than take a deeper look at, because we want it to be good, we don't want to find something "bad". But, hiding doesn't help have a good relationship. I think you have to have a good idea of what a good, healthy relationship looks like and the skills to make it happen. If you don't, all the hoping and wishing in the world won't make it happen. I think once in a good marriage it takes work to maintain it. The work has to be done by both of you, one can only do their share, it takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to keep it working.
In understanding the general differences between men and women in relationships, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by Dr. John Gray is a great book that offers some really great insight.
Okay, I rambled forever and I have a feeling you have a real life situation that you're referring to rather than looking for thoughts on relationships in general, but I thought I'd offer up the "in general" stuff to start with and see what you had to say to my questions. I figured giving you my general thoughts was better than not answering at all! I'll be looking for your response ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks I agree with what you said. He's in love with me and tells me I'm pushing him away.
cl-2nd life said, "
So, I think it's crucial that you are both completely honest -- and again looking with your eyes and your head; often there are signs of problems that we shove aside rather than take a deeper look at, because we want it to be good, we don't want to find something "bad". But, hiding doesn't help have a good relationship. I think you have to have a good idea of what a good, healthy relationship looks like and the skills to make it happen."
Then what is the friction about? When I hurt he hurts and he doesn't know how to handle his feelings he almost acts like he's 14 again ya know real, real emotional. Have you ever heard about spiritual gifts? He has the gift of mercy. Mercy me when he tries to tell me he really cares cause he goes on and on, bless his heart! I told him I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and I don't want to appear too needy either. I have a good head on my shoulder's, I appreciate your support, but then he says no you don't you are pushing me away??? So apparently I'm giving him mixed signals???
*****Oh by the way this is a real relationship I'm in should I post somewhere else?
I have been married before did not look with my head but my heart. blah04
So I do agree with what you said relationships take time.
Yes, women are better at domestic chores than me so Paul and I have not arrived at a compromise in that department we don't live together so yes we do have separate lives. TG cause his apartment is a mess!
Point being when you are that close to someone and that intimate do they really have to know about everything in your life? I mean PMS happens! lol
He hurts for me and I don't want to subject someone to that especially about health issues. I hide because I don't like who I am sometimes and figure he needs to worry about his own health/ other problems etc. So maybe he's sensing that? Yet he told me he's for me through thick & thin, so he's comitted which is really cool, I'm rambling.
**I am seeking to understand his sarcastic sense of humor (cause he says I'm sooo sensitive) and he is seeking to understand my insecurities.
I have to tell you, I'm pretty confused by what you're saying, I hope you can clear it up for me. "cl-2nd life said, "
So, I think it's crucial that you are both completely honest -- and again looking with your eyes and your head; often there are signs of problems that we shove aside rather than take a deeper look at, because we want it to be good, we don't want to find something "bad". But, hiding doesn't help have a good relationship. I think you have to have a good idea of what a good, healthy relationship looks like and the skills to make it happen."Then what is the friction about?" Friction can be two people who don't really mesh well, it can be two people who haven't dealt with the problems in their relationship openly and honestly so that they can be understood and resolved. Friction can be two people wanting a relationship to be better than it really is, looking the other way, avoiding the big issues and pretending everything's great only works part of the time, other times there will be the friction of reality, when it's just not working, just not compatible. What friction are you talking about? What do you do that causes him to feel you're pushing him away?
You described a guy who's pretty clear on living his own life, not friction. "When I hurt he hurts and he doesn't know how to handle his feelings he almost acts like he's 14 again ya know real, real emotional." Not a good thing, immature reactions aren't positive indicators. "Mercy me when he tries to tell me he really cares cause he goes on and on, bless his heart!" What do you mean "when he tries to tell you he really cares?"I told him I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and I don't want to appear too needy either. I have a good head on my shoulder's, I appreciate your support, but then he says no you don't you are pushing me away??? So apparently I'm giving him mixed signals???" It sounds like you've identified the source of confusion. Have you discussed the "mixed signals" with him? Getting the problem/issue/confusion out in the open is the only way that both parties can understand each other and gain clarity. If you have discussed this with him, what was the outcome and if you haven't, why not?"Yes, women are better at domestic chores than me so Paul and I have not arrived at a compromise in that department we don't live together so yes we do have separate lives." I wouldn't make that an across the board statement. I'm confused. Are you saying you're not good at housecleaning and that's why you're not living together? If so, why is his place a mess? And of course, I'm sure you know that no one, even someone you're close to and intimate with needs to know about everything in your life. Any relationship is a part of your life, not your life. I guess I don't understand what your statement meant in relation to house cleaning?"He hurts for me and I don't want to subject someone to that especially about health issues. I hide because I don't like who I am sometimes and figure he needs to worry about his own health/ other problems etc. So maybe he's sensing that? " It sounds like you deal with pain, pretending you don't won't help him or your relationship. You don't have to make a big fuss over it, but you should be honest and say, yes, I hurt when you hurt. It's easier to deal with someone who's honest about what's happening than to be told everything's "fine" when all signs say it's not at all fine. Pain can be understood, respected, and you can be allowed space (or whatever you need) to deal with it, being asked to pretend it doesn't exist when it's obvious it does work in a healthy relationship. Not liking who you are will definitely affect your relationship. It seems that you recognize that your issues are causing problems in your relationship, that should tell you that it's time to deal with your problems with a therapist/counselor and resolve them so that they no longer affect your life or your relationships. You cannot have a healthy, happy relationship when you're struggling with your own issues. Your issues have to be resolved before you'll be free to appropriately deal with a relationship. "**I am seeking to understand his sarcastic sense of humor (cause he says I'm sooo sensitive) and he is seeking to understand my insecurities." Your insecurities are not his to deal with, they're yours. He shouldn't be dealing with them, you should.Through all this I don't get how the guy you described in your first post, the one who says "no complications, no child support, no one to tell me what to do, can make my own messes, no abuse, no problems! My money is all mine I take care of myself." is looking to move in with you? I also don't get how this guy who's "tenderhearted" is the same guy who was unwilling to help you in interviewing and was unsupportive?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hey I answered some of your questions but this is becoming exhausting. Everyone has issues my man is just finding them out to quick and it makes me NERVOUS!
Then what is the friction about?" I think this is sexual tension cl-2nd life. What do you mean "when he tries to tell you he really cares? I have trust issues so I can't tell if he really cares he's very independent. So apparently I'm giving him mixed signals?? I feel I shouldn't have to explain myself to him all of the time. I don't know how to fix this??? I can't help it if he's confused. My problems are mine to solve like you said, but I can brief him on some of them. I guess I don't understand what your statement meant in relation to house cleaning? Cohabitation hasn't happened to me in a long time!
A problem I do have is that I haven't been able to get across to him that his apartment is a mess and I want to clean it. Everytime I ask he makes excuses so I think he's lazy and I don't like that.(I spend weekends with him don't live together) has not even asked me yet.
I agree with this cl-2nd life"Pain can be understood, respected, and you can be allowed space (or whatever you need) to deal with it, being asked to pretend it doesn't exist when it's obvious it does work in a healthy relationship. Not liking who you are will definitely affect your relationship."
This paragraph below was a reflection on ALL men I've experienced dating in the past. I think someone told me this forgot who.
cl-2ndlife "Through all this I don't get how the guy you described in your first post, the one who says "no complications, no child support, no one to tell me what to do, can make my own messes, no abuse, no problems! My money is all mine I take care of myself." is looking to move in with you? ****NO you got this wrong. I will leave general posts in the future! lol
I also don't get how this guy who's "tenderhearted" is the same guy who was unwilling to help you in interviewing and was unsupportive? He is supportive this past weekend he said for me to make a list of the priorities and goals that are important to me relating to my employment situation.
Sorry it's confusing. I can get carried away posting. talk later.
Hey cl-2ndlife:
What do you do that causes him to feel you're pushing him away? Forgot the main question. To answer this I have to get away from him because he seems to be intimidating. Intimidation doesn't work with me. He's attention seeking. My sister's husband is this way too, but he's a cop! Why does he have to act all tough and macho all the time? I told him he doesn't have to act that way around me I'm his girlfriend. I understand how stupid people can get on your nerves and he's under alot of pressure at work, but I don't like it when he keeps saying he don't take crap from no one.
I'm thinking ok is this aimed at me and is he having trust issues??? I'm thinking oh great what did I do?? I confronted him about his issues at work and told him I think it's causing him to be very, very defensive around everyone. I've seen him socialize with others when we are out and about and he thinks everyone is an idiot except him. I say that's not nice they may not have known any better, then he says well they need to be responsible for their actions.
I've got confirmation from a coworker that he is being screwed over at work. When it comes down to it I'm afraid I might confuse him and he takes what I say the wrong way and I end up abused. I told him can't you handle your emotions and he said he didn't need to hear that deroggatory comment. I almost said "the truth hurts don't it." I told him that to his face that I get afraid when he acts like that intimidating/macho wants to kick someone's ass and that's what's making me want to hide.
Sorry for not understanding you were talking about sexual tension, you didn't specify sexual tension, just tension in general. Sexual tension isn't a sign the relationship is good, it's a sign you're a good mix sexually or that the relationship is new or you have limited contact, but on it's own it does't speak to the emotional and intellectual relationship. Many of us have had great sex with guys that weren't at all right for us.
"I have trust issues so I can't tell if he really cares he's very independent. So apparently I'm giving him mixed signals?? I feel I shouldn't have to explain myself to him all of the time. I don't know how to fix this??? I can't help it if he's confused. My problems are mine to solve like you said, but I can brief him on some of them. " Your right that you can't brief him on all your problems, the thing I was trying to get across is that when you bring a bunch of problems into a relationship it causes a problem-filled relationship. Resolving your problems before you get into the relationship, or working diligently (therapy) to resolve them once in it is key so that your problems don't become his problems and problems in your relationship. If you resolve them, there's nothing to brief him on, nothing for him to be confused about. More to think about: "Everyone has issues my man is just finding them out to quick and it makes me NERVOUS!" I don't believe everyone has issues to get "found out", problem areas should be discussed openly and frankly as the relationship progresses, nothing to "find out". If disclosing your issues or having them "found out" makes you nervous, that makes it more urgent that you resolve them. Best of luck, Vixen1974 ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 5/23/2006 2:03 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Intimidation is emotional abuse, period. Whether he's being screwed over at work or not isn't an excuse for his actions towards you, period. If he'll treat you this way now, while you're dating, you are guarantee that the treatment will get worse and escalate as it goes forward. This is not a healthy or safe relationship for you or anyone else to be in. Out of it is the right place to be.
Being a police officer is no excuse to treat others badly either, no matter what. It is a fact that the police profession has a very high rate of domestic violence (abuse), but again, that doesn't mean it's okay, excuseable or something anyone should stay in.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"