undiagnosed low self esteem
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| Sat, 04-08-2006 - 11:17pm |
I recently had the pleasure of running into an old friend of my husbands. He has enlightened me to the fact that much of the history my husband told me about old college days, old Navy days, etc. are highly exaggerated or even not true. All silly things that don't matter, but I'm concerned that he felt he had to lie to me for some reason. His friend tells me he has always had very low self-esteem. I have no reason to doubt the friend. In fact, some of what he told me actually makes sense (time lines of these grand adventures have sometime not quite meshed). But I always loved listening to my husband tell me about his exploits. (he's 55, I'm 40) Maybe the more I loved it, the more he embelished, looking for approval? Not everything husband told me was false, and he told me the truth about some very private things I would have thought he would've wanted to keep secret.
I love my husband very much, for who he is now, not what he's done all his life. We've been together 2 years. I don't want to confront him necessarily, but want to help him with his self-esteem.(if that is the problem) I have noticed that after he does some things (makes a call I asked him to, pick up dry cleaning without me asking him to) he asks me if he "did good". Of course I say yes. I've started telling him he did good without his having to ask. But any suggestions? I know for sure he may have abandonment issues. His mother left him & his father when he was very small, but he denies any trauma from it. I'm sure counseling would be in order, but he's not at that stage that he can admit he even has a problem.

Welcome to the board, B.smoothie.girl ~
I would think if your husband were a pathological liar you'd know by now, right? I mean, the thinks he's lying about are embellished memories, not his job, his daily life, whether he's paid the water bill or not, where he went to lunch, etc., right? That, to me, would make a big difference.
It sounds like you pretty clearly know that he has childhood issues that would be indicative of self esteem problems, whether he admits to having them or not. I understand what you want to do, but I also think you know you can't give someone self esteem, it's something they have to have in themselves. Certainly, it's not going to make his esteem issues any better if you degrade him, etc., and in that vein, appropriately stroking him for what he does well won't hurt, but it won't really provide him with what he needs for himself, you know?
I think just being aware of the embellishments and the issues, and be in tuned for anything from him that provides a lead into a discussion on his issues, counseling, etc. Tread lightly, suggest gently and lovingly when the opportunity presents itself.
I've asked that your post be moved into the "Relationship Problems" section of the board. It will likely capture more 'reads' there and hopefully you'll get some other thoughts and ideas.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
**Edited to say**: I've posted a question about whether to tell or not on the board, I thought it would be interesting to get other's points of view on the subject. In case you're interested in the responses, you can find it here:
Should You Tell Him?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 4/11/2006 3:59 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Edited 4/14/2006 12:15 am ET by pandabu
b.smoothie.girl,
Hi there. I'm going to be a bit blunt and probably harsh, but please know that I do not man to offend you with this post.
I just find it completely horrible that you would tell him you know he's lying. He more then likely has told you these stories so that you see him for a man, which would feed into the insecurity issues that you mentioned. He wants to be a man in your eyes because you are so important to him. Hearing that his wife knows he's full of crap isn't going to make him feel like man. He's going to feel like a failure in your eyes which will make him feel worse. Even if you tell him that it doesn't, his insecurities will make him believe that it really does.
Why is it so important that you tell him that you know the truth?? Does it detrimate to your life in any way that he knows or doesn't know?? Or are you just telling him because you want him to feel badly about the whole thing?? Maybe it's more of a power issue problem then a telling story issue problem.....
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal