Unhappy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Unhappy
11
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:27pm
I have been married to my husband a little over a year. We have one child, who was conceived while we were not married. I know my DH felt pressure into marrying me, despite the fact that I told him I did not want to be married or want him to marry me unless he was sure it was what he wanted to do.
In summary, our marriage has not been good. He has helped little with the baby. This summer he went back to school, which is 1.5 hours away from me and the baby. He hardly calls, I feel as if Im the only one calling. He acts as though nothing is wrong when I talk to him, just that that is the way he is, he is busy, and he doesnt know what he wants to do with his life.
I think he is depressed about not knowing what he wants from life and feels a great responsibilty towards the baby who wasnt planned. Yet, I know he loves the baby and misses him.
I try talking to him, he tells me he loves me. I just feel like this isnt the way a relationship should be. I want to wait and try to talk/work it out, but he refuses to go to a professional, he says they wont help. I feel stuck in limbo and I feel like a single mom.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: brynne_72
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:55pm

Hi Brynne

I do feel for you in this situation. However, before I give any thoughts, there are a few questions that I'd like to ask you. Sorry to give questions rather than answers, but it helps if we can get a clear idea of exactly what your situation is.

You said that your husband is at school 1.5 hours away. Is he living there or commuting?

What kind of emotional bond did you have before you were married? If you hadn't fallen pregnant, would you have liked to marry him anyway?

You mentioned that he doesn't help with the baby. Do you ask for help? If so, what happens when you ask?

He says that a professional won't help. What does he believe will help? And, is your husband unhappy with the state of your marriage? Does he know how unhappy you are?

How do you think your own actions have contributed to your marital problems?

And lastly, you know this is not what a marriage should look like. If you could wave a magic want, what - specifically - would you like to change?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: brynne_72
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 1:13am

I second all of Aisha's questions and will be watching for your answers. I have a few more as well:


  • If he stays at school rather than coming home, how often do you see each other? And no matter where he lives, what kind of time do you have to spend together?
  • Do you ever have time to just be together as a couple, no baby, just the two of you?


    I think you feel like you're stuck in limbo and that you're a single mom because you ARE stuck in limbo and you ARE a single mom. Clearly, you're not happy, and how could you be? It seems you've got several problems, perhaps all branching out from the main one.






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-21-2005
    In reply to: brynne_72
    Fri, 11-11-2005 - 12:37pm

    Despite all the questions everyone is asking, I think you need to answer the question of whether you both felt completely free to marry one another when you did despite the pregnancy. You said yourself that you did not want to be married. Sometimes an unexpected pregnancy (I had one also) has you making decisions before you have a clear picture of even who you are or what you want from life. I eventually found that my heart was not in my marriage anymore and that both my x and I may have made different decisions had I not been pregnant.

    I'm not saying your marriage problems cannot be resolved or fixed as long as you both are willing to work at it, but you have to both know that that is where your heart and committment is at.

    I think you need to know exactly where he's at and since he says he loves you then he should be willing to work on some things and even if he doesn't think therapy will help, if he wants to help the relationship, he should consider it. You also need to know where you are at.
    Take care & I hope you find a way to be happy...

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-19-2004
    In reply to: brynne_72
    Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:47pm

    If he won't go to counseling, go alone.

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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    In reply to: brynne_72
    Mon, 11-14-2005 - 11:25am

    I didn't read her to say she didn't want to be married, I read her to say she didn't want to be married unless he was sure it was what he wanted to do.


    At any rate, I'm hoping she'll come back and give us a little more insight into her situation so we can offer some suggestions.








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-05-2004
    In reply to: brynne_72
    Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:07pm
    Thank you all for you responses, sorry its been awhile. Cl is right, I never said I didnt want to be amrried, its what I fear *he* feels. I wanted to marry him even before the pregnancy. To answer the questions:
    He is living 1.5 hours away, not commuting to school. Prior to this separation, we lived together. When I met him, I felt we had a close bond. As he once put it, "you are my lover, my friend and my confidant". He talked about how very few people understood him, but I did. We talked about spending our lives together. We talked about children, but they were going to come when he finished school. Now, he's not that young (29) and Im 33. He is back in school after having worked awhile. When I found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled. I was ready for a child at this time in my life. He seemed happy at the time, too, he went with me to doctors appointments, talked about the best carseats, cribs etc. Then as the time got closer, things began to change.
    One problem was that my family is very old fashioned and began to pressure us to get married. This was hard on my husband, because he balks when people tell him what to do. He likes to make his own decisions. I was annoyed at my family too, but understood why they might feel embarrassed having a daughter who has a child out of wedlock..they are from a totally different generation.
    Anyway, to continue, as the time grew near, I noticedhim withdrawing...spending more time with his friends, he didnt want to do birthing classes with me (so I hired a doula), he procrastinated on fixing the house to get ready for the baby.
    When the baby came, it was hard..he was really colicky, neither of us got any sleep and the sex life was greatly diminished. I had little libido (was breastfeeding) and it was hard to give myhusband the attention I once did. He complained that I favored the baby over him, and I tried to pay attention to him (back massages, cooking special meals for him, etc), but I beagn to become resentful because I felt I was *giving* to everybody, and all I wanted was for him to give back too. To give me a back massage sometime, to cook for me sometime.....
    At the end of the summer, he decided to go back to school. He had been working on his own business, which was barely making it. (My job always paid the bills...which I also think he felt bad about)...so thats hows hes there and Im here. As to why its 1.5 hours away, its where he got in and whene he wanted to go...I didnt want to give up my job if he was going to be out there for a short period of time.
    As to whether hes happy....no. I fear hes overwhelmed with fatherhood. He still doesnt know what he want to "do" with his life....and I think he feels pressure to provide for us.
    Am I to blame for some of what happened? Well, I think I hold feelings inside of resentment, etc rather than talk because Im afraid of being too demanding on him....because all of this has demanded so much on him already. I fear he thinks his life was changed in a way he didnt like, and that hes thinking of abandoning both of us.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-19-2004
    In reply to: brynne_72
    Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:54pm

    Has he had much

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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    In reply to: brynne_72
    Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:13am

    Agree with Firstamendment, having been there myself. It can become a vicious cycle, uncertain dads and babies, especially with tough (colicky) babies. Here's how it can happen: The mom is with the baby most of the time and has learned what best satisfies it; how to hold it, what it wants specifically when it cries a certain way or at a certain time, knows what soothes it best when it's colicky (in theory, I never found anything that helped). Dad comes home, takes the baby a little hesitantly. Baby fusses because it doesn't like how it's being held or something of the sort, dad feels even less capable. Mom hovers nearby, telling dad how to to hold it better, what the baby wants, etc., which further sends the message to dad "you don't know what you're doing". He hands the baby back to mom. As the baby gets older, it learns that mom is the one who takes care of him/her and can "panic" when dad picks him or her up, or at least get very upset if he or she wants or needs something when they're in dad's arms because they don't see him as a source of support or comfort. They react, dad hands the baby back, still getting the message, "I can't, I don't know how, I'm not good enough, the baby doesn't want me". All the while distancing from the child. It's hard, it really is, but what needs to happen is the baby needs to be handed to the dad and mom needs to get outta the house leaving them alone! Dad's relationship with the baby is not mom's. He'll find his own way, his own methods and the baby will become familiar with dad's way too and see him as a source of comfort and support. Sometimes when you breastfeed the baby refuses bottles (one of mine did) which makes dad's time with the child less than pleasant (howling kid, and there is truly nothing dad can do to make it better).


    Long story short, like Firstamendment said, it's important for dad to have his own relationship with the child.










    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    In reply to: brynne_72
    Thu, 11-17-2005 - 4:06am

    Brynne, I can really sympathize with the hard place you're in. I don't blame you for not giving up your job, especially if it's what's paying the bills. Unfortunately, living apart is probably not doing you guys any good at all. I also completely understand about feeling resentful giving your husband extra attention while you were also taking care of the baby. Gimme a break he should have been there shoulder to shoulder with you taking care of everything, not whining that you didn't have time for him anymore. And if anyone deserved extra attention and pampering, that would be you. Unfortunately, it's not a totally uncommon thing to hear and it's always smacked me as being quite juvenile.


    From what you've said, I think you're right, I think he's overwhelmed, doesn't know what he wants to do, probably feels insecure, trapped and inadequate. I think it's serious and I think it needs to be addressed immediately.


    Brynne, do you have any family close? Anyone you could leave the baby with for a full day or best, a full weekend? I'm betting that you two haven't spent any real time together (just the two of you, like you used to) since the baby was born. It's important to keep your relationship up, keep your bond strong, otherwise, you can lose sight of why you're together at all. Babies are tough, they demand every second of your time and then some, if you do have two seconds you're exhausted, and if you're at home with "time off" you're not "off duty", you're still "on", listening for cries. You need down time -- time away so you can turn it off (helps you recharge too) and time to put the focus back on each other. Waiting for a "better time" seems reasonable (and sometimes with a baby you just don't have a choice), but letting your relationship sit on the shelf while you tend to "more important things" doesn't work. There's always something that seems "more important" and by the time you realize your relationship's been waiting, it's been waiting too long. It's often not until after your relationship's in trouble that you realize it's still on the shelf still waiting for more important things to be done first. Babies can't wait, I know that. So - I'm thinking it's been quite a long time since you've been able to spend some time as a couple with no baby in sight or earshot, am I right? I would first suggest that this needs to happen ASAP and as often as possible. He needs to remember what it is the two of you have together, he needs to stop distancing and disconnecting. If you don't have relatives near enough to help, are you friends with any other mothers? I've traded "kidless nights" and "kidless days" with friends. They take mine for a day, a night, whatever, and in exchange, I do the same for them so they can spend some time together.


    Another suggestion that can be used as "Plan B", "Plan A" or in conjunction with "Plan A" is the direct approach. I know you've said you try to talk to him but he won't be open about how he's feeling. I think it's time to hit with the tough stuff. I would have this talk when the baby is not around or is soundly sleeping, no concern of interruption. I'd let him know ahead of time that I needed to talk so that he has time to know a discussion is coming and doesn't feel attacked or cornered. I'd tell him exactly how it is. I'd tell him that he continues to say nothing's wrong, everything's fine, (whatever it is he says) but that clearly nothing is fine and things are very, very wrong. I would tell him that he can deny if he chooses and continue to pretend that everything is fine and he can continue to do that while your marriage continues to die. I would tell him that in my opinion if things continue as they are going your marriage cannot last but if he wants to let it slip away, that's his choice to do. I would tell him that he continues to say nothing's wrong but things are very wrong and denying that there's a problem isn't helping; it is, in fact allowing things to continue to disintegrate. I would ask him what it is he wants and how he plans to make it happen. I would also leave him time to reflect and speak :). I'm the confrontive type. I don't like avoiding problems, I'd rather face them head on and get them out of the way than dance around them for days/weeks/months. I hate confrontation, but it gets it out in the open and dealt with now. It may not be for you, and it may be a style that would have him shut down entirely, but one way or another, I do think it's a topic that needs to be discussed seriously. As far as his views on counseling goes, I would ask him if he doesn't think counseling will help what does he you do, because what's being done now is certainly not helping. I would also do what Firstamendment suggested. Go to counseling without him. I would make sure the counselor I was seeing is trained and certified in couples counseling, tell him I was going to work on your marriage and that you hope he'll come with you, but with or without him, you're going to do what you can to try and save it.

    I think you've got a really good idea of what's going on with him, it sounds very reasonable and it fits. But without intervention of some sort (Plan A, Plan B, a combo or something else) I think he's only going to continue to distance and eventually have no reason to come back. I also think you feel like a single mother because you virtually are one.

    Here are some articles from our Information and Resource Section that might be helpful:
    Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
    Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
    Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
    Conflicts - Points to Remember
    The Lie About Trying Harder
    How We Avoid Conscious Relationships

    What do you think?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-05-2004
    In reply to: brynne_72
    Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:05pm

    I think you guys are right on. We need to spend time together, and we need to talk. I am certainly partially to blame, I *did* feel insecure when he held/took care of the baby...and that certainly made things worse. I know too its common for men to feel slighted when a baby is born, and it too strikes me as juvenile...but it is unfortunatle what it is.

    Thank you guys.. Ill let you know how it progresses....you guys helped.

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