"Uninterested Hubby!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
"Uninterested Hubby!"
17
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 12:39pm
I wish someone could tell me what to do with my husband!!..John never wants to sleep or have sex with me anymore but I have caught him chatting with other women on the computer and stroking his penis until he has an orgasm! What can I do to make him want to have sex with me.....frustrated.......Jessica

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:41pm

Well, sounds like your husband has a porn/masturbation addiction and that it is finally escalating to sex chats and mb replacing you and a real sex life. And there isn't anything YOU can do to get your H to stop and want to have sex with you instead. He needs some serious help and it won't do any good until HE wants help. You can live with it or not.

What did he say when you caught him? What does he say when you complain about lack of sex?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 5:45pm

It could be an addiction as Jen suggested. And it may also stem from problems within your marriage. Or both!!

Jen has covered the addiction thing pretty well, so I will address the potential marriage issues.

Remembering back to my first marriage, I totally lost all desire for my husband. (but made up for it in real life with other men) My husband and I were existing like flatmates and the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with him. The cause of my lack of desire turned out to be problems in the marriage. However, in our case, by the time I figured it all out it was too late. I didn't want to spend another minute in the marriage.

If this is the case for the two of you - the clues would lie in things like feeling like 'brother and sister' or feeling really flat when together. Perhaps the two of you often argue or want different things in life?

So, what is your marriage like? Sex issues aside, are the two of you really, truly happy together? Could the cause of this be him feeling dissatisfied in your marriage?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 6:05pm

<>

Even if there are big issues in their marriage, aside from the sex issue, it's still bigger than a result of marriage problems. Marriage problems may have started it but if he's now turning down sex with her for porn/mb, it's an addiction.

I say that because men aren't like women in that regard. They don't have to have everything peachy in the marriage in order to have sex. And he's hiding it, or so I gather, since she "caught" him.

I guess I ascribe to the theory that men won't turn women down unless they are way too tired, there is a medical problem, or they feel guilty about something. Or they have mb'd too much....

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 8:37pm

>>Marriage problems may have started it but if he's now turning down sex with her for porn/mb, it's an addiction<<

No, it's not necessarily an addiction. It could be his CHOICE to act this way. Of course, whether it be choice or addiction neither is OK. I'm sure that we both agree that what we're talking about here is obviously overuse and abuse of porn.

>>I guess I ascribe to the theory that men won't turn women down unless they are way too tired, there is a medical problem, or they feel guilty about something. Or they have mb'd too much....<<

Or their partner has become obese, or they fight all the time....

As the unforgettable lyrics in a song by the Cherry Bombs go: "it's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your *ss out all day long" In this song, the wife has become a nag, has gotten fat and wears cold cream to bed. http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/cherry-bombs/its-hard-to-kiss-the-lips-at-night-13677.html

I'm NOT saying that this song is the situation with the OP, but whatever caused him to turn to porn in the first place must be fixed. Addressing the porn alone will not solve any problems. Both the porn and the prior marriage problems must be addressed.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:41pm

<>

I agree and I'll admit that I am a little oversensitive to the whole porn issue right now. Okay, always. ;)

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:43am

Welcome to the board, Jessica006 ~


We really need more information about your relationship in order to be able to give you thoughts, ideas and suggestions that can help your specific situation. For instance, you've given us a very basic piece of the problem, but there has to be more, probably a lot more. I doubt that everything was simply wonderful in your relationship, then you woke up in the morning and he never wanted sex but was on the computer masturbating. What else is going on in your marriage? What other problems do you have? Can you give us a bit of a run down on what's happened? It would also be helpful to know how long you've been married, how old each of you are and how long you've been having problems. The more details the better!


I'll be checking back for your answers, and I know others will be waiting for them as well!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 4:12am
I'm sure that every poster here is influenced by their morals and life experiences ;-)
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 11:11am
Jen about 2 years ago John wanted me to perform oral sex on him,he told me he wanted me to deep throat him till he climaxes and I told him that sounds kind of nasty so ever since then whenever sex comes up he tells me that I said it was nasty...when I caught him climaxing on the computer he told me if he wants to masturbate its his business,,,he had semen all over his shorts, to me thats nasty too..the way I see it sex seems like it would feel a like better than a hand job but I guess men have other ideas...still frustrated...Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:59pm

Because you wouldn't give him oral sex til he climaxed he "thinks" that you think sex is nasty and won't have sex with you?

Is that when the sex issues started then? Were there problems before then with frequency or does it all go back to that? Is it something he saw online that he is wanting to do?

If I got that right then I would say he's punishing you for not performing the way he wants you to. Withhold all sex til you submit to what he wants.

FWIW, I think it sounds nasty too.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 8:41pm

jessica006,

FYI, next time your husband is telling you something as big as what he would like from you in the bedroom don't use the word "nasty". That was way harsh and I can see why he would be reacting to it the way he is. Not to say that it's ok. But now I understand alittle more what could be a root issue. How would you feel if he said your hair was nasty and never touched it again or your cooking was nasty and never ate it again or your kissing was nasty so he never kissed you again or worse that having sex with you was nasty and that's why he won't do it ever again. Wouldn't that hurt your feelings??

I think if my husband ever came to me with that sexual desire I would laugh, but that's the relationship we have. To be honest too I wouldn't have done it, but I wouldn't have used the word nasty and I would have made sure that he still got something that was fun for him. Don't be too quick on the knee jerk reaction of no, I'm sure that hurts his feelings. Sharing what we desire from our partners is never easy, even if you are married. I'm sure it was alittle embarrassing for him to say those words. You crushed him by telling him it was nasty and you could have used a better word.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

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