Unsupportive husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2009
Unsupportive husband
9
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 2:08am
My husband is now drunk is bed after I asked him today if he could be more supportive. My mom died three weeks ago. He doesn't even try in fact he gets mad because I don't want to have sex with him. He leaves a lot of responsibility to me with our children as well as work and I'm emotionally exhausted. He was extremely negative and rude to me on Christmas eve and drunk and awful to me on Christmas night. My first Christmas without my mom.
I honestly don't know what to do at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 3:27am
Welcome to the board, Color_red, and my deepest condolences on the loss of your mother. This has to be such a difficult time for you, having lost your mother such a short time ago. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

It sounds like what you're going through with your husband, and the way he's treating you is nothing new though, am I right? It sounds as though he has an alcohol problem. My ex-husband was an alcoholic, so I understand about being left alone and having to deal with a drunk when he decides to show up. How long have you been dealing with this? What have you tried in the past? What are you considering now, or are you at a total loss?












"Ignoring the facts
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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 11:26pm
I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes a crisis can really highlight how big of a deal it is to have an unsupportive spouse. Have you considered counseling for yourself to help you get through this time, or do you have a good support network of friends and family?

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 12-30-2009 - 10:37am

I have the same questions as the CL, do you consider your husband to be an alcoholic? Reasoning with an alcoholic can be impossible, because you are talking to an addiction rather than a human being. How long has this treatment toward you been going on? And how long have you been married?

I'm so, so sorry about your mom. You should not have to go through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 1:40pm

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. And to have no support would make it even worse.

Your husband is an alcoholic. His priority is himself and his drinking. You cannot get an alcoholic to meet your basic relationship needs.

I hope you consider finding this book:

Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by Janet G. Woititz

Or visit the Alcoholism boards here on iVillage,

Or this is a good site:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 1:38am
Color_red, I know you've been back to the board today. I hope you'll post and talk to us, I've been thinking about you and have been wondering how you're doing.













"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 1:58am
I appreciate your interest and I wasn't sure what to say so I'm glad you asked.
I don't know that my husband is an alcoholic - he doesn't drink like that very often or drink much in general. It was a very painful and lonely night for me when I wrote. He has actually been far more supportive since which I'm grateful for.
I am seeing a therapist now and my husband is also interested in going to find out how to be more supportive with me and I imagine for possibly other issues.
At any rate, it's still painful without my mom but the conditions in general are not quite as bad now.
Thank you for asking - hoping you have a lovely and happy new year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 2:56am
Hugs, Color_red, I'm glad you responded!

Know that alcoholism isn't about how often you drink, it's about not being able to stop once you've started. My ex-husband was an acoholic. He never missed a day of work and often didn't drink weekly. At the time, the fact that he could stay away from it for so long made me question that he had a drinking problem. He never drank at home so I had no gauge of how much he was drinking and often when he came home after drinking he'd tell me he'd only had a few. Since I hadn't been there, I had no idea that wasn't true; and like a lot of alcoholics, he was very, very rarely fall-down drunk. He held his liquor very well. So, all things together, I had a hard time identifying him as an alcoholic. I knew things weren't right, he was gone a lot, would say he was going out for a few hours and would end up being gone all night, etc., but I didn't see his drinking and didn't often see him acting obviously drunk. Maybe your situation is completely different, but I wanted to let you know how it was for me in case it fit at all for you too.

I'm glad you're going to therapy and I'm glad your husband is interested in going too. It sounds like you're planning to do marriage counseling, which is great. I want to make sure that the therapist you're seeing is licensed/accredited in a field of couples counseling. Without specific training in dealing with couples the therapist could end up doing more damage rather than helping. To quote my friend, who is a therapist, " Most therapists are NOT adequately trained to do marriage therapy. ASK DIRECTLY what qualifications they have to do marriage counseling. It's a whole different animal than individual therapy. A poorly trained therapist can actually make matters WORSE!! "

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss. I know how absolutely devastating that can be.










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 10:56am

It could well be that my husband is an alcoholic but addressing this issue would be very difficult for sure. He doesn't like it when I bring up his drinking but I usually don't like it when he drinks and it is often more than it should be when it does go on. So, what I can do about it is not clear to me.

The therapist is one that focuses on couples - I'm not entirely sure if he's licensed for it specifically however. I can ask him in our next appointment and perhaps bring up my husband's drinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 12:01pm

There's nothing you can do to force your husband to admit a problem, but there is plenty you can learn about how to manage things so that you don't inadvertently enable him.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"