Update re: "What is WRONG with us?"
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|Sat, 05-17-2003 - 1:57pm|
A couple of weeks ago I posted here about my boyfriend of 7+ years and how he was all of a sudden acting strange - wanting to spend all his free time with his friends, not wanting to be intimate, not talking/flirting with me as usual, and how I was starting to feel really uncomfortable living here in HIS house under these circumstances.... and how at the same time, I happened to know that he was searching for an engagement ring...
I got some great feedback here from you guys, and yes, we did have a talk about it. And he told me that lately he's been thinking we're ready to get married, etc. And that the thought of marriage and kids and stuff has him really freaked out. He doesn't totally understand why, because he's always wanted to marry me (it has been financial reasons, up until now, that has kept us from doing it). But he also admitted that he's just scared to death of it not working out. (He comes from a family that's been through two ugly divorces, in which he's been caught in the middle. And also, he is a PERFECTIONIST.) He said he doesn't understand why, but he is so focused and stressed about these things, that he just CAN'T get his mind to wander away from it, and hence, he can't relax enough to have sex.
Anyway, I told him I was going to back off, leave him be - that I felt much better knowing the cause was a good one, rather than that he just didn't want to be around me. So I said that it was no big deal and maybe he just needed time to think things through. But that I also need to feel loved and wanted, etc. because his behavior was making me feel like he just didn't love me anymore.
So he's been great, making sure to cuddle with me again, went out with me on several occasions, etc.
The thing is... now it's like I am totally just second fiddle to his friends. Like basically, he is only spending time with me if their plans fall through or if they have nothing going on. And when we spend time together, it's like we have nothing to talk about all of a sudden, when we used to be so chatty! I am letting him do what he needs to do, but it is making me feel so unimportant and so unnecessary to him.
Basically, the whole thing is making me depressed and sad. He has caught me silently crying on a few occasions and I can't explan why and it makes him upset. But the lack of communication is making me feel like we have grown so far apart that there's nothing left to talk about, and that we may be at the end of this relationship! In my mind, I know it's just that the things that we need to talk about (marriage) are so heavy that we just don't want to get into it until he's worked it out on his own. But I want it to be a happy occasion when we transition into the marriage thing. If it's this difficult and painful for him to think about spending his life with me now all of a sudden, then I truly feel like it's not something I want to do. Even though I am still head-over-heels for him, I don't want to marry someone who isn't excited about the idea of marrying me. And if he's not ready now, after 7+ years, then maybe (sob, sob) it is time for me to move on. (God, I hope I don't have to do that!)
Am I being a spoiled brat here? Please tell me - I can take it! I just need a little insight, suggestions, etc.
Perhaps I should just get involved in a lot of other activities for now so I'm not so focused on him and US all the time. That way, I'll be preoccupied while he works his stuff out? And perhaps my new life/activities will intrigue him and bring him back around?
I just don't know. I have never felt this way with him. As long as marriage was out of the question, everything was fine, fun, great, exciting. Now all of a sudden, it's like the weight of the world is on his/our shoulders and it's taking a serious toll on our relationship!