Vent- not feeling good about it...m
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Vent- not feeling good about it...m
| Sat, 01-27-2007 - 8:24pm |
Deleted
Edited 1/27/2007 8:29 pm ET by saralm
Edited 1/28/2007 9:22 pm ET by saralm
Edited 1/27/2007 8:29 pm ET by saralm
Edited 1/28/2007 9:22 pm ET by saralm

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Confused and hurt....m
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I do know that these two and their issues will never go away.....as long as you're in this relationship, they will be a part of it. If you dislike the number of times she calls and the way your boyfriend is dealing with her (and the son) you have to know he is allowing exactly what he wants to allow; if your upset and angry with her for calling, know that since he doesn't dislike it (apparently) and isn't discouraging her (apparently), he's your primary problem, not her.
I personally am not well equipped to deal with mental handicapped people, it's not something I'm proud of, but I know it's not something I take to easily. Since that's the case, I wouldn't consider being with a man who had disabled children, even if they were adults; it's a given that they will always be a big part of the equation.
Other boards that might be helpful to you are:
Families & Mental IllnessPDD-NOS/Asperger's Syndrome
Autism Spectrum Disorders
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
Edited 1/28/2007 1:33 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
deleted
Edited 1/28/2007 7:40 pm ET by saralm
Edited 1/28/2007 9:23 pm ET by saralm
I understand that you didn't realize the extent of his children's issues until after you feel in love with him, that's unfortunate but it doesn't change anything. The situation is what it is and will always be this way, your love doesn't change that. All you can do is make changes for yourself, you can't change anything else. It seems to me your choices are happily accepting the situation as it is or moving on. You can't change him or his children, you can't change him. If things continue as they are I think it's just a matter of time before one of you is unable to take the frustration and friction and ends it. Facing facts, hard as that will be, and making decisions based on the reality of the situation is necessary, IMO.
The Truth About the Power of LoveUnmatched ambitions
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
Edited 1/28/2007 7:25 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Edited 1/28/2007 9:24 pm ET by saralm
You're currently divorcing for the third time. That indicates some problems, with your choices, with what you see as a strong, healthy relationship, with whatever; three times is a pretty strong indicator of something that's being missed. You say you're "seasoned" in relationships, but your seasoned in relationships that do not succeed. A key element in successful relationships is compatibility. In this situation his way of dealing with his children, what he allows, what he wants and how he chooses to proceed is vastly different from your own. This is huge. It occurs to me that you may not recognize "deal breakers" and situations that make a relationship not salvageable, despite the feelings of love and compatibility on many levels.
It occurs to me that individual counseling may be a good thing for you, and couples counseling may be good to determine whether this can become a healthy relationship or not, because right now, it sounds anything but good. It appears you aren't seeing the enormity of the issues or you expect to overcome them. I think what you expect is doable in relationships may be unrealistic.
I do wish you the best; this post was written with the best of intentions for you.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I, like the others who are here to reply to board posts do so because it is our passion, it's what we like to do. My relationships? I have been in a dysfunctional relationship, was divorced and took steps to learn what I had not seen in my relationship choice so that I would not repeat the error. I sought therapy, read books, and continue to read and take classes on the subject. My credentials? I continue to read and take classes but do not pretend to be a therapist. I have, however, had many therapists both in real life and via email after reading the board posts tell me my insight is good and my responses are accurate. That doesn't mean every post I write is good or accurate and it doesn't mean every therapist would agree. That's not information I've shared before, but you asked.
I, like everyone else on this board writes what they think, what they see given the posts that are written asking for help and feedback. I suppose I could have said nothing to you, but since I'm here to help and offer suggestions, that wouldn't make much sense. I could pat you on the back and tell you it would turn out great too, but that wouldn't be telling what I thought was the truth and it wouldn't do you any good either.
The beauty of the boards is that you get a mix of answers from many with differing thoughts and points of view. Not all will fit for you. With that in mind, you take what you like and leave the rest.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I gave you my opinion, I did not say your situation was hopeless. I told you what I thought and what led me to that thought, I don't pretend to know everything there is to know about your situation or your life. I'm giving my thoughts based on what information you've provided. Saying nothing while feeling there are concerns that should be looked at and addressed would do you no good. Whereas, if your thoughts had been, "I never thought of that", it could have made all the difference to you. I'd rather say what I really think and risk taking the heat than say nothing and be of no help at all. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees until it's pointed out to us, if that's not true for you, that's great. I'd much rather be wrong than right in this situation.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
This started out as a venting regarding my relationship problems. Problems that many people go through in the beginning of a relationship of two older adults with children....There are a lot of adjustments when the *children* are not your own and living with you and/or in close contact, especially if those children are troubled.
I am working on my relationship. You have no idea whether I have had therapy or am seeking therapy for my self or my relationship. Actually, my relationship is a good one, IMO...we just have to adjust and get his kids going the right way. I was just venting my frustrations.
The situation here, on this board, quickly turned into you, as Cl, giving me your thoughts about how terrible my relationship sounds. If I listened to your story, I might think you have a hopeless situation too. Let's see if this gets removed....
I am gathering the powers that be do not want to see you criticized...or maybe you, yourelf, removed the post...or requested it removed. If you can't take the heat, get outa the kitchen, they say....
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