A vent....
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| Thu, 11-10-2005 - 2:15pm |
OKay, right off, I do understand that I am a bit hormonal right now and seem to be easily aggitated. I even warned everyone because I can tell I'm a bit on edge right now, LOL! I hate hormones....
I just can't win!
So last night DH and I were talking. Seems he thought everything was improving because we weren't "fighting" with each other. So things were getting better in his estimation.
Maybe I should back up a smidge. I realized on Saturday that DH was a bit too disconnected from everything. We had been in an argument for 2 weeks now and I figured the emotional disconnect from him was too great. He'd started saying a couple of things which led me to think that he was just going to give up since we couldn't stop "arguing". (I use the term loosely because any time I tried to bring something up he'd automatically go into over-defensive mode and we honestly couldn't discuss anything sanely.) So I asked him for a hug and a kiss on Saturday and I could tell that helped. He started to plug back in. On Sunday he asked me what one thing I wanted to work on most was and after thinking about it for a few hours I let him know. (He wasn't too happy because he thought it was too broad and he wanted one thing. Ie pick your socks up off the floor instead of laundry overall. Though I can guarantee my one thing had NOTHING to do with cleaning. ;) I even told him that I really felt it was something I needed to improve upon too. And I do.
I was worried with all this because I could tell DH was feeling reconnected and I worried that he would think that since he was, I was too. And I wasn't. I just knew as long as he felt that disconnected he wasn't going to come anywhere close to working on things. Then lo and behold, he tells me last night that he thought everything was improving and that we were getting better. But the one thing I asked hadn't been done, we weren't talking about anything of import (just fluff), and I didn't feel connected or heard or anything. I just hadn't actively been arguing about it.
So what is a girl to do? (I know, I know, COUNSELING. Working on that one.) If I keep things obvious he disconnects and throws his hands up in the air and won't do anything because it doesn't matter and nothing will ever get better anyway. If I back off and do things so he reconnects somewhat, then everything is better. Of course he said he doesn't throw his hands up and give up and then turned right around and did it again last night after I honestly told him how I felt. In the "I feel this way" way, not YOU YOU YOU way.
Not only that, but he's throwing things in my face. He doesn't trust me because I don't trust him. When I asked what I've done so that he doesn't trust me, he says, Nothing. But if you don't trust me... He'll say he understands why I have trust issues given everything and that he views it as reasonable and then will turn around and say it doesn't matter what he says or does since I don't trust him. And then he said last night that he had planned on us spending time last night doing the one thing I had asked about. But he brings this up in the argument (and 4 nights after I had asked without a word about it any other time.) And then he says that he just doesn't feel like doing it now and he's not sure how he's going to feel about it tomorrow. I just said that I thought NOW would be the better time to work on it, since we were having this problem again, but he didn't feel like it.
I do tend to talk and talk and talk. I don't let things drop because I feel like every time I do he assumes it's all been fixed. He got very upset about me not being quiet about things and asked why it felt like I wouldn't be quiet about it and I had a death grip on him. And that's when it hit me. I'm insane. I keep talking (which is a pattern we've established over the years and usually at some point he appears to "get it" though I've since learned it's his way of ending the argument.) But I keep talking about how I feel because I keep hoping that something will click and he will understand how I feel (or at least that I feel that way), validate that it's okay for me to way (though I don't need permission), and give me sincere and heartfelt reassurances that we WILL work through this. So I do it over and over and over and I never get what I need. And I realized I'm insane enough to actually think that it might change the next time around. And I told him I have a death grip because I am TERRIFIED of losing our marriage. So I'm holding on as hard as I can and now I see that it's being totally counterproductive.
The kicker? Based on history, once I stop talking I really feel that that means things are over. Because he will assume that it's all fixed and will just leave it be. So if I talk, nothing will happen, and if I don't talk, nothing will happen. What a crappy spot to feel like I'm in.
Jen
Edited to add: Now the man who has been adamant against divorce is talking about not knowing if we should try or if it's worth it because we can't stop "arguing". Though arguing seems to involve me wanting to talk about something and his getting ticked off because he doesn't want to deal with it. When I push it, we argue. And now HE'S "threatening" divorce. (Though he actually hasn't said, I'm thinking about divorce.) It's more a whole attitude/demeanor thing. I have to wonder if he's serious (he's said in the past that there isn't anything serious enough to divorce over) or if it's yet another manipulation attempt on me.
Edited 11/10/2005 2:25 pm ET by imasillynut

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Jen, I don't think this is Christian crackpot at all. My ex husband believed in God, but didn't pray, read a bible or go to church. To be honest, I can't get my head around believing in God, but not activily seeking to have Him in your life. If you believe in Him, how can you not want him there with you? (I'm a very black and white thinker!)
The kind of stuff you are talking about - following God's words to help you become more generous, tolerant and accepting - is something that the whole world could do with more of.
After having seen far too much of people who hurt others in the name of whichever God they pray to, you've got no idea how refreshing your words are to me.
Edited 11/14/2005 12:11 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Here's where I'm going to shock you -- are you sitting down?
I'm Episcopal. I, and both my children, are baptized in the church. I was a Sunday School teacher for several years and worked in my church as the church secretary for over a year.
I'm not going to go into what's already been said, I'm in agreement with it. But I will say that it sounds as though this area is another example of your husband not being willing to do any real work. In this, as in your relationship, it sounds like he doesn't want to have to do anything. But it also sounds like (in this area anyway) he hasn't always been like this. I wonder, what's changed? Why the lack of effort? I expect there are many ways he could work on this, prayer groups, religion-type classes (for lack of a better descriptor at this late hour), religious counseling with your pastor/priest, etc. There are typically so many activities and groups, learning and other faith-based opportunities within an individual church that he should have plenty of opportunity to explore and expand his feelings, beliefs, desires; including simply engaging in parishioner activities that are non-religious in nature, thereby staying in the company of people who are of the same faith and belief as himself.
And I'm glad opening up to us was a positive experience for you. :)
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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