Venting..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
Venting..
8
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 12:28am
It's hard to complain, but I just wanted to vent for a second. I met my girlfriend 6 months ago. It's been a very short but exciting relationship. Were both 30 or older so there's a bit of a sense that this may be "it" for both of us.

She's the most beautiful woman Ive ever been with. She's very sweet and demure a lot of the time. Sexually, however, she's really wild. Porn star wild. She likes it all -- choking, anal sex, cumming on her face, gagging, you name it.

Part of me loves it, and part of me is a bit disturbed by it. We've both been somewhat promiscuous -- I was single for about 15 years and was active the whole time. She's been with 20 men (assuming she's being honest, and I think she is) but was a self confessed "kissing whore" in college and played the field. I have a feeling she was relatively "easy" for a period (based mostly on what she's told me).

Just wanted to vent a bit because knowing her and how wild she is and her history it annoys me slightly.. The thought of her being her wild sexual self with sone random guy bugs me. But I love her and part of me loves the sexual freedom. Anyway. Grass is always greener on the other side, I know. But I just wanted to vent a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
In reply to: ronjajax
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 10:49pm

This is a pretty typical point in the relationship where you start finding things that annoy you about the other person.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
In reply to: ronjajax
Sat, 01-15-2011 - 2:23pm
I have one more thought. Maybe the fact that you are "bothered" by her past is a way for YOU to feel better about yourself. Perhaps viewing her as "less" is a way for you feel in control of how you actually feel about who you are. I've learned that judgements are nothing more than a person projecting how they feel about themselves onto to someone else. The healthier way to view things is to understand that, while you may not agree with a persons behavior, it's THEIR journey and THEIR lessons to learn. If you are going to judge someone, look at who they are now after learning from their mistakes. Then you have a choice, you can choose to include them in your life or choose not to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
In reply to: ronjajax
Sat, 01-15-2011 - 2:10pm
Whoops! I meant to say he DIDN'T have the courage to speak to me directly about the way he felt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
In reply to: ronjajax
Sat, 01-15-2011 - 2:07pm
I'm going to step out on limb here and tell you to break up with her unless you can resolve your insecurity about her past. Don't put the woman through that. Even though you may not vent to her "directly" how you feel and "your" judgements about her will show through. She will feel it. The truth is, it's your problem not hers and unless you can face that it's your issue and seek to resolve it or let her go, she will end up feeling judged by you. And that is not good for the relationship. If you really think about it, who are you to judge someone based on their past? The past and the mistakes we make are what helped us to become the person we are today.

I was involved with someone who was similar to you and my past, which was nothing like your gf's, no where near that extensive, and yet he was "bothered" by it. He never told me directly so we could work on resolving the issue together and it totally destroyed the relationship. His feelings about it came through in his actions and treatment of me. It was very disconserting (sp?). And in the end I realized that I could never feel comfortable with him because he did have the "courage" to speak to me honestly about how he felt. If he had, we would most likely ended up in a different place. Since he couldn't express himself, I took responsibility for me and ended the relationship.

Your girlfriend sounds pretty nice and will probably make a great match for someone who will appreciate her for who she is and the fact that she likes sex is an added bonus. If you can't deal with it and can't speak to her directly about how you feel, then she will never have the opportunity to make things right with you. And that's not fair to her.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh but if can't be honest with her then let her go and find someone whose past won't be an issue. Otherwise your relationship will go down hill and be a total waste of time for the both of you. In my situation, his inability to communicate with me and hash things out made his actions become boderline emotionally abusive. His anger over not being able to handle the fact that I had relationships in the past (and believe me there weren't many) came out by him shoving things in my face that he knew would bother me.

So please, if you really are interested in this girl, then realize this is your issue and deal with it. Don't make her suffer for something that is not her fault. Her past is HER past and she has a right to not be judged by it - especially if she has no idea at the moment that you are bothered by it. Either fess up about it to her face and seek help or let the girl go!
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: ronjajax
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 1:23am

Welcome to the board, Ronjajax ~

I think if you combine Geo and Crab's responses you have the absolute perfect answer, I agree with every word each of them wrote.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
In reply to: ronjajax
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 11:01am

Vent away!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: ronjajax
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 9:39am

As you've only known her for six months, this information about her sexuality is still very new to you... It could be that as time goes on and you get to know her better, you won't be as bothered and you won't think about her past nearly as much. There's sometimes a degree of possessiveness in the early stages of a relationship when you're more susceptible to jealous feelings.

I hope you don't truly think that being over the age of 30 means you need to commit to someone ASAP, six months is a relationship in its infancy and you still have so much to learn about one another before you make the decision about her being "the one"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: ronjajax
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 8:14am

I understand wanting to vent, but you really need to get this issue resolved.