Verbal abuse again....
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| Fri, 10-14-2005 - 11:08am |
Well, things are going from bad to worse here....
Monday I tried my new plan of speaking up when something bothers me. It didn't go well. My daughter who is 14 was being, well 14, I asked her to make her brother something to eat while I was finishing my homework, and I got huffing, stomping, eye rolling, etc..... Whenever conflict arises between dd and me, bf gets funny, I guess he doesn't like the tension, so he'll start overly making small talk with, and exaggeratedly babying her, etc and I was telling her to empty the dishwasher (her daily chore) and he starts doing it. So Monday, he did it again, I heard him go by her room and say "oh baby, are you having a bad night?" It made me feel like he's making me as the CAUSE of her having a bad night, however if she had just said "ok" when I asked for her help, we wouldn't of had this conflict. (there have been many other times that involve this kind of thing with her, most people like, her guidance counselor, my friend who has a masters degree in counseling and is a high school teacher who deals with teens everyday, as well as many posters on the parenting board on this site have all told me this normal teen stuff, he thinks I'm a control freak that loves to dictate orders, I think I'm just a mom who asked her teen daughter to make her brother something to eat while I was finishing my homework).
Anyway, he came right out to the living room where I was, put his arm around my shoulder and said” are you getting a lot done"? And I said "no, I'm not b/c I'm upset w/ dd, I told him why... basically she'll take, take, take and when asked to give is a battle, it's frustrating. And then I said (drum roll please) "and I FEEL like you make me out to be the bad guy when you say things like.... this that and this,". He just said "no". So I said, "I’m not saying you are trying to make me out to be the bad guy, I'm just saying that’s the way it makes me feel". He just walked away and went to bed, he was going to bed anyway, but no goodnight, no kiss, just went to bed. Next day, he is leaving for work very early and it’s the day that he leaves for two days and doesn’t get back until Thursday. He did not kiss me good-bye and didn't call me at 6am with my wake up call like he does every single day. Instead he left a note that said.....
"Sorry, no kiss goodbye, no wake up call, just don't want to fight. Good luck on your test. I'll see you Thursday. Love Bill"............
He didn't call Tues, Wed or Thurs and neither did I. When he got home Thurs, I was sitting at the desk doing schoolwork, kids are at school and he says "we need to talk".... we started discussing what happened and it snowballed into a fight. I did stop it a few times and said "when you calm down, I will finish this talk, but I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this”, etc as suggested. But before it got heated I did tell him that the way he speaks to me is unacceptable and it is verbal abuse and his words hurt as much as a fist, etc and I am not going to put up with it. He blamed me for the shaky situation between us right now saying I have been miserable and impossible to live with for the last five weeks, ever since I got behind in school. (I did get behind due to Hurr. Katrina and have been struggling to keep up ever since, I'm taking Anatomy/Physiology II, (class and lab, two separate classes), Intermediate Algebra (math is my toughest subject) and microcomputers. It's hard. I am a good student, but I have to study a lot to get good grades. I could probably not study as much and get b's & c's, but I like getting straight A's with the occasional b, it makes me feel good and I think it’s a good example for my kids. It's my choice to study as much as I want, but he thinks not if I am making the whole house suffer b/c I'm miserable. Two weeks ago during our big blow out he said "you have to make everything difficult. You have it made, I pay your rent, your ex pays your car payment and the government pays for your school, but you think you have it so hard". My ex does not “pay my car payment” my ex pays child support and pays a lump sum each month towards $12,000 back child support he owes me that the law forced him to pay by garnishing his check. In addition, I do get a government grant for school now, I also owe thousands in student loans that I’ll have to pay off when I graduate. And I do pay a portion of the bills in this house so I’m not a freeloader and “he pays my rent”. This is my business and not a weapon for him to use against me in anger. So I told him about that comment and how it IS tough. Is it worth it? YES. Is it hard? YES. Will it pay off someday? YES. I also told him he has no place to tell me that as he has no clue what it's like, I get the kids up everyday, fed, lunches packed, papers signed, backpacks packed, take them to school, I either go straight to school at 8am or straight to work (I've been doing a freelance project three days a week since August) come straight home, straighten house, do homework and study, laundry etc, make sure kids practice uniforms are clean ready, etc, both kids have practice, one three days a week, one four days a week, pick them up for school, get them to practice, I usually sit in my car for an hour and a half and study at the practice field, get home at 7pm, then it's dinner, showers, homework, etc. I never stop. He helps with dinner sometimes and grocery shopping but that's about it, plus he's out of town every Tuesday or Wed, so I pointed all of this out to him and told him that if he had to handle all this everyday he would sometimes be stressed too. So I said if you ask me YOU have it made. You work four days a week. Two of them you are out of town. When you get off you go to your hotel, and watch TV and have a beer and you only worry is what restaurant you have to eat at and whether to take your nap before you workout or after. You don't have to think about, kids, school, laundry, dishes, groceries, etc. So if you asked me YOU have it made" He then tells me that the reason he took that job out of town two days a week is b/c he is miserable here. I didn’t buy into it. He took that job a year ago, so I said you were miserable with me a year ago? I know why he took it and I reminded him of it. I think that's when it started getting heated b/c he can't stand when I 'm right or make sense (control?)
Anyway, at one point, I was saying something about my family, I do not have a close relationship with most of them and he said "that's b/c you chased them all away".
Very calmly, I said "I chased them all away”. (mirror/reflect thing itwinflame told me about. I don't know if I did it right, but Rome wasn't built in a day.... I'm trying:-)) and he said “yes” So, again, very calmly I said “’That right there is what I am talking about. That is verbal abuse and I am not going to put up with it anymore". And I just walked away. He took a shower and when he came out his was getting his things to leave, his mother was on her way over and they were going out to lunch, and he says "this is your last chance to apologize". I just laughed and said "apologize for what"? He gathered some more stuff then finally says, .... "I do love you but this is your last chance to apologize...." and I said "you know you really need some professional help" just then his mother and her dog are at the door and he opens it and he says "hi, you guys can't come in b/c Sara's home" and he goes out and shuts the door. Very mature.
My head is spinning!!!!! I can not believe what is going on!!
Unfortunately, he came right back, the mother was gone and it wasn't really long enough to have had lunch so I'm not sure what happened there, but I said "that was very immature what you said to your mother and I was just wondering if you are going to be equally as immature when the kids get home from school" he wouldn’t answer me. I said"is that a yes or a no?" again no answer and I said "very mature".
Well, at one point during the argument he said "get out" as in kicking me out and I said, "I've told you before me and the kids live here, you get out" He does own this house by himself. We don't fight often and when we do it's huge and I have considered moving several times, but the last time, I told him I wasn't moving, he was. So I said it again. Then I got mad and I called the police (non-emergency)and asked what my rights were. I have lived here for three years, pay the bills, keep up the house, do I have any rights? They said yes and told me the law. As I was talking to them on the phone he came in and could hear me and I made sure to say things that would let him know who I was talking to and when I hung up I said "that was the police and they said you can't kick me and the children out and if you want me out you need to follow their rules, so quit telling me to “get out". He didn't answer me. Then I left to pick up my kids from school, and was going to the library to get books out on verbal abuse (thank you cl2ndlife for opening my eyes!!!) but I forgot my purse so I had to go back to the house. He was sitting on the coach watching a movie, I walked in (son was in the car outside couldn't hear anything), got my purse walked back past him and I said "I am leaving. But I am leaving b/c I want to not b/c you told me too. And it IS hard for me to work, and go to school and be a good mother. And I'm not miserable and I am a great mother and I'm not going to let you tell me otherwise". He just sat there. I went in the kitchen and got a water and was heading back out and I said” and quit telling me you love me b/c this isn't love". And I left and I went to the library and got Lundy's book “ why does he DO that, inside the mind of angry controlling men" I was SHOCKED my library had hardly anything on domestic abuse. Maybe five books total and three were solely about physical abuse, I left it right out on the table so I know he saw it. He went to bed without speaking to me, when I finally went to bed, I did sleep in our room with him, he tried to cuddle with me but I was unresponsive. He kept playing with my hair and touching my shoulder but I faced the other way and was as far away from him as I could get. I couldn't sleep so I got up, when I finally went back to bed he tried even more to cuddle, again I was unresponsive. A cuddle, kiss, or whisper "I love you" isn't going to solve this this time.
Phewwwwwww,
I'm exhausted writing this!!!
I'm not sure what to do now. I did get the paper and b/c of Hurr, Katrina, there is nothing in the paper for rent!! What is there is $1500 - $2300 a month. That is why I called the police to find out my rights on living in HIS house. I had looked at the papers classified ads online just before I called the police and knew there was nothing. I am supposed to graduate in May and nothing or no one is going to mess that up. So right now I don't technically work, I dabble with freelance stuff for pocket money, but I had intended on holding off on a real job until graduation and then get a job in my field, I freelance in my hobby not my field of education.
Anyway, thank you for listening, I know I'm rambling but it feels good to get it out. My kids have a half a day today and I am picking them up at noon and GOING TO THE BEACH!!!! I can't wait!!!! Have a great day!!

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Maybe this will help you understand my viewpoint.
If I move into someone elses place I do so knowing that I am putting myself in a riskier position by doing that. If I make the choice to leave the residence that is mine, I do that knowing I may have find myself without a residence. I believe that I am responsible for myself and for my children, no one else. It's not his fault or problem that I made the choices I made, I am responsible for what I chose. The kids aren't his responsiblity, they're mine. In moving in I would have known I was not married and so the situation was certainly subject to change. I decided to take that chance. My choices, my responsibliities, my poblem.
Marcymayschwartz, can I correct you? You said...
"Not only that, but this whole thing started because he wouldn't consider moving to a rent-free place".
I believe I have said this a few times throughout this string of posts... for example:
"he didn’t bring it up b/c he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about in the restaurant, the car, later, the next day or the next and that’s why he waited until he was “safe” at work to bring it up so he can get out of talking about it. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was annoyed. Not because we weren’t going to do this but because we can’t communicate. I couldn’t even get 5 minutes of his time in the restaurant; he would give me his undivided attention, and then just shot the whole thing down without even discussing it with me. And this isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened.
Can I say it again?
"Not because we weren’t going to do this but because we can’t communicate".
This whole argument and some before this all boil down to our lack of communication, which was my original reason for posting on this board called "problem solving for Couples", to try and solve my problem of not being able to communicate.
I NEVER said I was kicking him out and intend on staying here forever!!!
You could legally appeal his eviction and have a judge ask him to leave his own home? Well, if he's got good legal advice, he won't be going down the formal eviction route. It would be far wiser for him to simply torment you until you leave by your own will.
That aside, he would have had to have lost his mind to leave his own home with you in it....and wait till you find accomodation elsewhere. I'd also like to ask who would be paying his rent while you live in his home rent free. (Assuming that he can't start charging you market level rent while he's gone).
He'd be too concerned about never getting his home back. As they say, posession is 9/10's of the law and he'd be very scared of that. You may well have full intentions of leaving eventually, but as you are already wanting a formal eviction process - I'll be betting that he's not taking any further chances on trusting you. The courts are far too expensive and time consuming to be a reasonable option for him.
I came across as strident? That was not my intention at all. I was simply responding to you, giving you my point of view. Disagreeing is allowed, just as you disagreed with another member in tnis thread.
I have no issue, simply voicing my opinion, as did you.
My point was that the topic of the arguement was moving to a rent free place. I am aware that the issue is communication.
<> Then why did you bother to call the police to find out your "rights"??? As a weapon? A threat?
I wouldn't say you don't communicate, as you mentioned in the beginning, you've not been silent. I'd say it's more about learning to fight and disagree in a respectable manner that promotes resolution and/or compromise. Hurling threats and barbs does nothing to end an argument, but it does plenty to make it escalate.
<>
Piece of mind. Peice of mind that the man who asked me and my children to move in with him and now wants us out can not demand I do so immediately. His name may be on the deed, but he invited us to move in and to make this our home. I pay for the water, electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries, for this house. He pays the mortgage and insurance. The cost for both is about even, yet he makes 3x what I do. I make repairs, improvements, clean, do the majority of the cooking and maintain this dwelling. I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars of my money on plants, trees, etc for the outside of the home and have spent countless hours of my time working on the yard, all improving the value of HIS property. I also bought and paid for the installation of a built in dishwasher in HIS kitchen. It was I who made ALL the calls to HIS insurance company after Katrina, as well as FEMA and it was I who waited for insurance agents and FEMA people to show. This is my home too. I pull my weight around here financially and physically. I am not some freeloading squater who has made my way into some poor unsuspecting fools home and now I am trying to kick him out and keep reap my reward. He asked me to live here. Origianlly I wanted my own place and he thought that would be a waste of money and repeatedly suggested me moving in. In fact, the first year we were dating long distance, I came here for the summer. HE wanted me to move in then but I said no and stayed elsewhere for the summer b/c I wanted to take it slow. In addition to that, the contents in this home are mine. We live in a 3/2 with a den and every peice of furniture in this entire house is mine, with the exception of his desk, dresser, weight bench and bed. So again, I am not some freeloading squater. So after three years of paying my share and pulling my weight around here, he can pop off with "get out" and I have no say? I just have to take my things and go like a fired employee?
Here's how I see it. When you made those payments, purchases and did that work you did so knowing you had no equity there. You made the choice to do what you did despite him making 3x more than you. Your choice, and your choice in full awareness of the situation. Single woman with kids, living in someone else’s home, a home you chose to move to. IN MY OPINION you've got no right to scream foul. You're a big girl and you made your own choices.
In your situation, he is a party of one, you have kids so that changes the balance of fairness in expenses. It would be easy to say he should pay more because he makes more, but you have to divide the expenses four ways (two kids, right?). If you both made the same amount, your share would be more than his because you're responsible for the expense incurred by three people, not one. If you're looking at figuring out who pays what amount based partially on income (and rightly so), that has to be figured into the quotient too. But, if you feel the payments, purchases, and labor you've done don't balance out his share, then tell him, "I'll move out when I've been reimbursed for what I've paid for, purchased, or done beyond my fair share". But to tell him to get out of his own house? TO ME that's not a responsible, adult thing to do. It would make me feel weak, needy and dependant at a time when I'd most need to feel (or at least appear to be) strong, self sufficient and independent.
You had to walk into this arrangement knowing that when you gave up your own place you were giving up a lot of security. YOU made the choice, living with the consequences is part of the deal. IMO
...and calling the police simply to find out what you *had* to do by the letter of the law, yeah, I totally get that. But rubbing his face in it, even if you're just pretending you're going to use it is out of bounds. Besides, you've continued to sound like you feel it's a vaible option for you here and you've defended your right to stay. That doesn't sound like "just peace of mind" to me.
It makes me wonder what mixed messages he might be getting during your fights as well.
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