Verbal abuse again....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2005
Verbal abuse again....
25
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 11:08am

Well, things are going from bad to worse here....

Monday I tried my new plan of speaking up when something bothers me. It didn't go well. My daughter who is 14 was being, well 14, I asked her to make her brother something to eat while I was finishing my homework, and I got huffing, stomping, eye rolling, etc..... Whenever conflict arises between dd and me, bf gets funny, I guess he doesn't like the tension, so he'll start overly making small talk with, and exaggeratedly babying her, etc and I was telling her to empty the dishwasher (her daily chore) and he starts doing it. So Monday, he did it again, I heard him go by her room and say "oh baby, are you having a bad night?" It made me feel like he's making me as the CAUSE of her having a bad night, however if she had just said "ok" when I asked for her help, we wouldn't of had this conflict. (there have been many other times that involve this kind of thing with her, most people like, her guidance counselor, my friend who has a masters degree in counseling and is a high school teacher who deals with teens everyday, as well as many posters on the parenting board on this site have all told me this normal teen stuff, he thinks I'm a control freak that loves to dictate orders, I think I'm just a mom who asked her teen daughter to make her brother something to eat while I was finishing my homework).
Anyway, he came right out to the living room where I was, put his arm around my shoulder and said” are you getting a lot done"? And I said "no, I'm not b/c I'm upset w/ dd, I told him why... basically she'll take, take, take and when asked to give is a battle, it's frustrating. And then I said (drum roll please) "and I FEEL like you make me out to be the bad guy when you say things like.... this that and this,". He just said "no". So I said, "I’m not saying you are trying to make me out to be the bad guy, I'm just saying that’s the way it makes me feel". He just walked away and went to bed, he was going to bed anyway, but no goodnight, no kiss, just went to bed. Next day, he is leaving for work very early and it’s the day that he leaves for two days and doesn’t get back until Thursday. He did not kiss me good-bye and didn't call me at 6am with my wake up call like he does every single day. Instead he left a note that said.....

"Sorry, no kiss goodbye, no wake up call, just don't want to fight. Good luck on your test. I'll see you Thursday. Love Bill"............

He didn't call Tues, Wed or Thurs and neither did I. When he got home Thurs, I was sitting at the desk doing schoolwork, kids are at school and he says "we need to talk".... we started discussing what happened and it snowballed into a fight. I did stop it a few times and said "when you calm down, I will finish this talk, but I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this”, etc as suggested. But before it got heated I did tell him that the way he speaks to me is unacceptable and it is verbal abuse and his words hurt as much as a fist, etc and I am not going to put up with it. He blamed me for the shaky situation between us right now saying I have been miserable and impossible to live with for the last five weeks, ever since I got behind in school. (I did get behind due to Hurr. Katrina and have been struggling to keep up ever since, I'm taking Anatomy/Physiology II, (class and lab, two separate classes), Intermediate Algebra (math is my toughest subject) and microcomputers. It's hard. I am a good student, but I have to study a lot to get good grades. I could probably not study as much and get b's & c's, but I like getting straight A's with the occasional b, it makes me feel good and I think it’s a good example for my kids. It's my choice to study as much as I want, but he thinks not if I am making the whole house suffer b/c I'm miserable. Two weeks ago during our big blow out he said "you have to make everything difficult. You have it made, I pay your rent, your ex pays your car payment and the government pays for your school, but you think you have it so hard". My ex does not “pay my car payment” my ex pays child support and pays a lump sum each month towards $12,000 back child support he owes me that the law forced him to pay by garnishing his check. In addition, I do get a government grant for school now, I also owe thousands in student loans that I’ll have to pay off when I graduate. And I do pay a portion of the bills in this house so I’m not a freeloader and “he pays my rent”. This is my business and not a weapon for him to use against me in anger. So I told him about that comment and how it IS tough. Is it worth it? YES. Is it hard? YES. Will it pay off someday? YES. I also told him he has no place to tell me that as he has no clue what it's like, I get the kids up everyday, fed, lunches packed, papers signed, backpacks packed, take them to school, I either go straight to school at 8am or straight to work (I've been doing a freelance project three days a week since August) come straight home, straighten house, do homework and study, laundry etc, make sure kids practice uniforms are clean ready, etc, both kids have practice, one three days a week, one four days a week, pick them up for school, get them to practice, I usually sit in my car for an hour and a half and study at the practice field, get home at 7pm, then it's dinner, showers, homework, etc. I never stop. He helps with dinner sometimes and grocery shopping but that's about it, plus he's out of town every Tuesday or Wed, so I pointed all of this out to him and told him that if he had to handle all this everyday he would sometimes be stressed too. So I said if you ask me YOU have it made. You work four days a week. Two of them you are out of town. When you get off you go to your hotel, and watch TV and have a beer and you only worry is what restaurant you have to eat at and whether to take your nap before you workout or after. You don't have to think about, kids, school, laundry, dishes, groceries, etc. So if you asked me YOU have it made" He then tells me that the reason he took that job out of town two days a week is b/c he is miserable here. I didn’t buy into it. He took that job a year ago, so I said you were miserable with me a year ago? I know why he took it and I reminded him of it. I think that's when it started getting heated b/c he can't stand when I 'm right or make sense (control?)

Anyway, at one point, I was saying something about my family, I do not have a close relationship with most of them and he said "that's b/c you chased them all away".

Very calmly, I said "I chased them all away”. (mirror/reflect thing itwinflame told me about. I don't know if I did it right, but Rome wasn't built in a day.... I'm trying:-)) and he said “yes” So, again, very calmly I said “’That right there is what I am talking about. That is verbal abuse and I am not going to put up with it anymore". And I just walked away. He took a shower and when he came out his was getting his things to leave, his mother was on her way over and they were going out to lunch, and he says "this is your last chance to apologize". I just laughed and said "apologize for what"? He gathered some more stuff then finally says, .... "I do love you but this is your last chance to apologize...." and I said "you know you really need some professional help" just then his mother and her dog are at the door and he opens it and he says "hi, you guys can't come in b/c Sara's home" and he goes out and shuts the door. Very mature.

My head is spinning!!!!! I can not believe what is going on!!

Unfortunately, he came right back, the mother was gone and it wasn't really long enough to have had lunch so I'm not sure what happened there, but I said "that was very immature what you said to your mother and I was just wondering if you are going to be equally as immature when the kids get home from school" he wouldn’t answer me. I said"is that a yes or a no?" again no answer and I said "very mature".

Well, at one point during the argument he said "get out" as in kicking me out and I said, "I've told you before me and the kids live here, you get out" He does own this house by himself. We don't fight often and when we do it's huge and I have considered moving several times, but the last time, I told him I wasn't moving, he was. So I said it again. Then I got mad and I called the police (non-emergency)and asked what my rights were. I have lived here for three years, pay the bills, keep up the house, do I have any rights? They said yes and told me the law. As I was talking to them on the phone he came in and could hear me and I made sure to say things that would let him know who I was talking to and when I hung up I said "that was the police and they said you can't kick me and the children out and if you want me out you need to follow their rules, so quit telling me to “get out". He didn't answer me. Then I left to pick up my kids from school, and was going to the library to get books out on verbal abuse (thank you cl2ndlife for opening my eyes!!!) but I forgot my purse so I had to go back to the house. He was sitting on the coach watching a movie, I walked in (son was in the car outside couldn't hear anything), got my purse walked back past him and I said "I am leaving. But I am leaving b/c I want to not b/c you told me too. And it IS hard for me to work, and go to school and be a good mother. And I'm not miserable and I am a great mother and I'm not going to let you tell me otherwise". He just sat there. I went in the kitchen and got a water and was heading back out and I said” and quit telling me you love me b/c this isn't love". And I left and I went to the library and got Lundy's book “ why does he DO that, inside the mind of angry controlling men" I was SHOCKED my library had hardly anything on domestic abuse. Maybe five books total and three were solely about physical abuse, I left it right out on the table so I know he saw it. He went to bed without speaking to me, when I finally went to bed, I did sleep in our room with him, he tried to cuddle with me but I was unresponsive. He kept playing with my hair and touching my shoulder but I faced the other way and was as far away from him as I could get. I couldn't sleep so I got up, when I finally went back to bed he tried even more to cuddle, again I was unresponsive. A cuddle, kiss, or whisper "I love you" isn't going to solve this this time.

Phewwwwwww,

I'm exhausted writing this!!!

I'm not sure what to do now. I did get the paper and b/c of Hurr, Katrina, there is nothing in the paper for rent!! What is there is $1500 - $2300 a month. That is why I called the police to find out my rights on living in HIS house. I had looked at the papers classified ads online just before I called the police and knew there was nothing. I am supposed to graduate in May and nothing or no one is going to mess that up. So right now I don't technically work, I dabble with freelance stuff for pocket money, but I had intended on holding off on a real job until graduation and then get a job in my field, I freelance in my hobby not my field of education.

Anyway, thank you for listening, I know I'm rambling but it feels good to get it out. My kids have a half a day today and I am picking them up at noon and GOING TO THE BEACH!!!! I can't wait!!!! Have a great day!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 12:25am

I started to respond, but thought better of it. I think I'll let this cool down a bit before I answer. I'll come back to this tomorrow night.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together



Edited 10/18/2005 12:27 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 1:52pm

marcymayschwartz,

As you said, this is all YOUR opinion...

<<>>

And you know what they say about opinions.......Opinions are like germs. Everybody has millions, they are constantly sharing them with each other, and the opinions contaminate almost everyone they touch.

Just my opinion:-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 5:30pm

Yes, exactly. That's what I've been very careful to state from the beginning, that I was voicing MY OPINION. Isn't that what you were looking for when you posted here? No one's opinion is more or less here you know, think if them as germs, fine but they're all germs. The point is childish, IMO.

Sorry that you don't agree with me, but that's the individuality factor and you're bound to get it when you post in an open forum. If you are happy and secure in what you're doing, that's your business. I simply explained how it would be for me. Shoot, even Quenek stated s/he didn't disagree with me.

I will say that in rereading my last post the thoughts I posed about if this was an indicator of your fighting stlye came off a little accusatory. I didn't mean it that way, I was serious, I meant to give you something to consider.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 5:32pm
Judie, you ASKED for opinions. If you truly believe that opinions contaminate almost everyone they touch, then stop asking for them.
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 3:16am

Ok Judied, here's my take on what you've said, though I doubt you're going to like it...


"The book IS for me and I am reading it and it is VERY interesting, eyeopening and informative, however, I am confused, you said: "the book was meant to be a help to you, a learning experience, not a tool to feed an already raging fight." Was I not supposed to let him know I was reading a book on this subject?" No, you're not supposed to hide the book for him, but going straight out to get in mid-fight and leaving it on the table so you "knew he saw it" isn't helpful. It's a jab, a silent accusation and it keeps the fight going.


"... did you guys miss the part when I posted....."I walked in (son was in the car outside couldn't hear anything), got my purse walked back past him and I said "I am leaving. But I am leaving b/c I want to not b/c you told me too. And it IS hard for me to work, and go to school and be a good mother. And I'm not miserable and I am a great mother and I'm not going to let you tell me otherwise"."No, I didn't miss it, I don't think anyone else did either. It's standard non-productive heated argument stuff, in my estimation. You "threatened" to leave, but you didn't. You retorted that you were a good mother, etc. (assume this is a left over from the last fight since you didn't mention him saying it again), but in the middle of an argument, making those statements means little to nothing. And saying you're leaving but not going only says you say things in an argument you don't mean and don't intend to carry out. That makes you less believable to him, it hurts your credibility, it makes him much less apt to take you seriously when/if you do say something mid-argument that you mean. If I misunderstand and what you meant was you were leaving for a while, he probably figured that out when you walked out the door with your son and your purse.


You said, "of course I wouldn't stay here, I just wanted to know my options." but in the description of your argument you said, ""Then I got mad and I called the police (non-emergency)and asked what my rights were. I have lived here for three years, pay the bills, keep up the house, do I have any rights? They said yes and told me the law. As I was talking to them on the phone he came in and could hear me and I made sure to say things that would let him know who I was talking to and when I hung up I said "that was the police and they said you can't kick me and the children out and if you want me out you need to follow their rules, so quit telling me to "get out". You called because you were mad and you made sure he knew who you were talking to as a threat a "getcha" to him. If you'd have been only interested in knowing your options, you'd have made the call from a private area without putting on a show for him.


Like I said before, your argument sounds a heated, non-productive battle where the goal is to get each other, attack and counter attack, nothing productive is said and nothing is settled. You're both in the game, both throwing threats and accusations, both getting nowhere.


This is a far cry from the silent treatment you said was your style. ???


It sounds like you started out on the right foot, saying you weren't going to talk when he was angry, but he pushed your hot buttons and you jumped right in. Not surprising, it takes practice to get it right. After making a statement about not talking removing yourself from the area is probably best to avoid being drawn in.


From what you've described, it sounds like your battles are loud and heated, the goal is to get the other and resolution or compromise is nowhere in the goals at all. Once the eruption is over, maybe then you do the no-talking thing(?) while he pretends it never happened and goes back to being a sweet, cuddly guy. Well, here's the deal. You aren't going to "get over" the problems and issues when you fight about them but never resolve them. Sweeping them under the rug doesn't fix them, it just lets them pile up so next time you're fighting about whatever the current issue is and the previous ones as well. The silence is about holding onto anger due to unresolved problems; if you reached resolution on an issue you were arguing about, there would be no reason for silence.


So what are you doing now, going through the motions, pretending everything is "just fine" (much cooler though, I'm sure) still angry over all the things that were tossed around in the last fight, and the things that really got you in previous fights as well? If that's the case, I'm betting your usual style is to go on like that until it really doesn't seem like it's a big deal anymore, then your relationship goes back to normal without another word about any of it, am I right?


Have you ever talked to him about the way you two fight? I don't mean talking about an issue that you fight about, but the actual dynamics of how your arguments are handled? Do you know how he feels about it, what he thinks? If you haven't had that discussion, you need to, and you need to do it at a time when there is not an issue between you. You need to discuss it calmly and fairly. It's not a time for accusations or finger pointing. It's a time to talk about how you fight vs. how you'd like to fight. If you're in agreement that what you do is non-productive and not preferred, you can begin to work to change what you do and end it. If he's not interested in changing what he does or says, then you've got your answer, things aren't going to change.


The goal in working through a disagreement isn't to be right, it's to be heard and to understand the other's point of view. It's to reach a mutually agreeable compromise. The goal in an argument is not to be right, it's to find a resolution. Fight to be right and you've lost hope to find resolution, hope to end it. Pick your battles, throwing jabs and threats, getting one over on him/her, being right, and getting the last word has no place in productive resolution.


The following articles (located in our Information and Resources section) should be very helpful to you:

Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

What you're doing isn't working and it's never going to work. What you guys are doing isn't problem solving, it's war.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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