Verklempt about hubby and our arguments

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2011
Verklempt about hubby and our arguments
25
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 9:58pm

This is not so much about arguments, but how they start. The last one, which happened just about 20 minutes ago is a frustrating one. We don't argue that much. Hubby is more of the tempermenta stubbornl one, and I am more the calm one. If I started yelling, it would get worse from there. I think he hates it when I try to be calm and talk rationally. He starts yelling and swearing.

The latest one happened this evening. We were watching a football game, and my cellphone rings. I answered it on the couch and turned down the volume. I wasn't even on the phone that long. He gets up and goes into the other room to do something. I finished the conversation and he then I tell him I am done. He says he isn't interested in the game anymore. I ask why and he says it's because I answered the phone and didn't go into the other room. I did apologize, but he said he wouldn't accept it. I then tried to tell him I was trying to apologize and he should listen. He said to me, "You do what you want to do, and that's fine." He then comes over, kisses me and says he is going upstairs to our bedroom.

Earlier, when we were watching the game, he was nodding off on the couch. I was trying to keep him away by rubbing his back and massaging his head. After awhile, I gave up and was doing something on my cell phone. That's when he perks up and leans on my side to get my attention. The thing is, if I sat with him not doing anything but watching tv, he would be fine. If I was looking at a magazine, a newspaper, a book or my phone, he immediately wants my attention. I then asked hubby if it's because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. He said it had something to do with it.

The thing is, with my hubby, there is usually some other underlying thing that is bugging him. He will come home and I will not know anything about what is bugging him. He will get ornery, and I will ask him what is bothering him, and he says nothing is bothering him. Later, he will get upset about some stupid thing, slam something around in the kitchen and startle me.

I have noticed that more of our arguments happen on a Sunday, when he has been out most of the day at the sports bar with his buddies, drinking beer on an empty stomach. He will come home hungry so I usually make dinner early around 4 pm. He then sits on the couch and after dinner, still sits there, not helping with the cleanup, and nods off. I know it's the mixture of the beer and dinner. If he comes home in a bad mood (on several occasions in the past), it has nothing to do with me. He gets short with me about something, I have no idea why. I then try to ask him what is bothering him, since I know it isn't me. I have told him before not to lay his bad mood on me like that and to talk to me.

Why are most men so uncommuncative? Does it demasulate them? My hubby is so stubborn and it's not easy to talk to him about certain things. I have tried to get him to go to the doctor and the dentist because it has been a long time. His teeth really need a cleaning! If I say anything, he gets defensive or quiet. He then says yeah, and then that is the end of it.

So I fell damned if do, and damned if I don't. When we argue, and he is in the wrong, he will try to turn the argument around and make me the bad guy, saying I did something else. When the argument gets heated, he tells me he doesn't want me to speak. He gets to argue all he wants but I can't? He never argues fair. But when is an argument ever fair? He just has a problem accepting when he is wrong. I apologized. He shouls be a bigger person and accept my apoligy and not make it a big frickin deal.

He wants attention, and I do give that to him, so don't go thinking I am an ice queen.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2011
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 10:34pm

I also must say that he for the most part is a very generous and helpful person who ha patience. I just feel that I need a crystal ball with him a lot to find out what he is really upset about!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 1:59am
Has he always been like this or is this something new? If not it sounds like something (or someone) is causing this change in behavior. Sounds like marriage counseling is in order . Nothing worse than having to live with a grown man who pouts and has you walking on eggshells.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 2:43am

Welcome to the board, Juicyjenna ~

There's a lot here, so I'll try taking it one paragraph at a time...

I did apologize, but he said he wouldn't accept it. I then tried to tell him I was trying to apologize and he should listen. He said to me, "You do what you want to do, and that's fine." He then comes over, kisses me and says he is going upstairs to our bedroom.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 12:18pm

Please read through the post you have written and look at all of the ways you enable his behavior. You apologize when an apology isn't necessary. You press him to accept it when he says he won't. You try to keep him awake just because he's falling asleep on the couch. You make dinner at a time that would be early for an 80 year old just because he's been out drinking with his buddies.

I think engaging him in arguments is not getting you anywhere. You cannot argue logic and reason with a person who has resigned himself to be petilent and upset. Let him be upset by himself. "Most" men are not like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 12:50pm

Undercovercrab, first of all, I apologized because hubby complained that I didn't take my cell call into the other room, which disturbed him watching the game. You say I didn't need to apologize? Perhaps I should have only apologized once and left it at that. Did you read my posting on why I did apologize?

Second, I made dinner early, because as I wrote, he goes out to the sports bar without any food in his stomach. He comes home hungry and crabby. He also gets up very early for his job, so he naturally gets up early everyday as part of his internal body clock, so dinner is usually early so he can digest.

The reason I kept trying to keep him awake was so he could watch his game. It was the NFC game, and it was an important one for our team, to hopefully go to the superbowl. He likes it when I rub his back.

I kept trying to make him understand that I was apologizing, and because I couldn't believe he was not accepting my apology. What would you do? I will talk with him later today about it and see what happens. I need resolve. That's another thing as well. After we have an argument, the next day, he acts like nothing happened.

If I made the appointments for him, he would get pissed off and he wouldn't go.

So if you were in my shoes, you would feel frustrated and need to voice your feelings. He just can't argue fair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 1:06pm

Thanks for your comments 2nd Life.

First of all, I don't try to let him have the upper hand when we argue. I try to stay calm, as from my post. Usually when he tries to switch the argument about me, I call him on it. But when he tells me to stop talking, it makes me feel that I cannot voice my side of the argument. Yes, he wants control, I know that.

He is older than I am, about 14 years. The thing is, it isn't about age, but about personality. He wasn't always this stubborn. When we were dating and engaged he was more flexible. He swept me off my feet. We were friends before we started dating, so I knew more about him before we started dating. What attracted me to him was his loving manner, his ernest way to make things happen for us when we were together, his romantic ways. Now that we have been married for 8 years, things change. I know it can't last forever. He works hard, but he has his stubborn ways and his habits.

Yes, the Sunday thing is every Sunday. It's fine for me that he gets out, but he never eats before he leaves. I try to get him to eat, but it doesn't happen. I have made sandwiches that sat untouched. He is soooo stubborn. So when he comes home, his is hungry. I think the beer has something to do with his attitude, because he gets sarchastic and negative. That is when I have dinner on the table so he can eat.

I think that you're right about him taking the opportunity to go upstairs to bed when I was on my cell phone. It was kinda early though, around 6:00 pm. But after all, beer and food usually make him sleepy always! Even during the week after work. He does eat lunch then though. He gets up early, so I think that makes him that way.

Again, thanks for your incite and ideas. I don't see a marriage counselor making him different. He has always been stubborn. But I think because he got more comfortable with our marriage and his routine makes him more stubborn. I would love to get him to do more things. He says he needs more notice ahead of time so he can "mentally prepare for it". Well he wasn't like that when we were dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 1:09pm

Peacyma, this is nothing new. I usually don't have to walk on eggshells, but on Sundays I do. Because he doesn't eat, and drinks beer. I try to get him to eat, but he is soo stubborn. Mind you, I am not afraid of him, he never verbally or physically abuses me. I just don't like the fact that he comes home and the mood changes on Sunday. And sometimes he comes home and is not in a good mood and I have no idea and he won't tell me until the next day. He likes to brood I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 12:53am

Maybe the solution then (If this is usually only a big problem on Sunday after drinking) would be to just not be there when he gets home. Make him some food, leave it in the micro, and tell him "just to avoid any arguments when you come home ornery after drinking i'll be spending the nite at my moms (or friends) house" on Sunday nites. Sounds like he comes home just looking for an argument with you and you shouldn't have to deal with that week after week,

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 1:06am

Make him some food hell, he's a grown up.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 1:18am

I didn't say you were trying to let him have the upper hand.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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