Very confusing relationship!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Very confusing relationship!
1
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 10:56am

My BF and I have been together for 5 and a half years, and been living together since two months in. He's now 25 and I am 23. A year ago we bought our first place together, which we both adore, and we've had a cat for around four years who is kind of like a child to us.

Our relationship has been extremely up and down over the years, and it confuses us both. We've been through more together than some married couples, including the rapid decline of his mother's Alzheimer's disease, me being hit by a car and the death of my father just a couple of months ago, and our relationship has survived all of these despite the additional stress. We've had times of being quite poor, particularly when I was a student and he was an apprentice, and now for the first time we are also dealing with a situation where our incomes are very unbalanced - he is the main breadwinner and pays most of our mortgage, because I am still getting back on my feet after my accident and don't work full time - also I put a lot of time, with no pay, into the magazine publishing company that I run with friends. We also have major problems with our sex life - in fact he believes pretty much all our problems boil down to this - because he has an extremely high libido and I have an extremely low one. I believe myself to be quite liberal and understanding when it comes to things like his use of porn to deal with his sexual needs, but sometimes I have issues with it. Like any long-standing couple, it's issues like these that just come up again and again and again.

We have always argued a fair bit, probably not as much now as we used to because we understand each other so much better, but it still happens. We also have trouble dealing with our arguments, we tend to let them get to us and drag on for longer than most people do, and I think that's because we both have a few emotional problems - he with depression and me with anxiety disorders. Compared to some couples that we know, however, I definitely wouldn't say we argue an abnormal amount.

Several times we have had discussions about our relationship that have led us to a decision to break up, for a variety of different reasons, the most common one being that we are young and should experience more of an independant life. We have never managed to go through with it. Sometimes it's because something bad happens and we need each other too much to get through it, but usually it's because we just love each other too much to let go. Sometimes - and this will probably sound terrible - I think that i would like to break up with him, but since he is largely supporting me at the moment I can't see a way to do it - I feel trapped by circumstance, I don't want to lose our house, I don't even want to leave our house, I don't want to live with anyone else, and just generally it's too hard to try and untangle our lives and find the individual threads - we've been together for so long now.

We also have issues sometimes which relate to desiring other people. I think it's natural to still find others attractive even if you're in love with one person, and so does he. We have been together for so long that of course we wonder what others would be like. I perhaps wonder a little less than he does - as a teenager I had a string of boyfriends, a lot of sexual relationships, though of course I imagine it would be different to experience this as an adult. He on the other hand had few girlfriends before me. I've struggled with a lot of jealousy earlier in our relationship, especially when he would admit to really desiring other women, but after a lot of discussions and thinking I've come to accept it as inevitable, and not a symbol of his loving me any less. Neither of us has ever so much as kissed another person during the course of our relationship, and although we would hate for either of us to cheat, I think that depending on the circumstance it would be something we could deal with if it happened.

Now, having said all that - I have to admit to having some fairly strong feelings for another man, a co-worker and close friend of several years. I'm not sure I would ever want a relationship with this man, but I do feel a physical attraction to him which has only become stronger over time. If I was ever in a position where something might happen, I'm not sure I would be able to resist, although when I say 'something' generally I mean something like 'a stolen kiss' - the idea of actually having sex with someone other than my BF is not very attractive to me at all. Anyway, the reason I mention this is that it's something that constantly throws doubts into my mind - how can I really be happy with my BF, and perhaps spend the rest of my life with him, if I can feel this way about someone else? And I'll tell you something else - he's not the first man I've had feelings for in the course of this relationship.

The thing is, although I spent all that time above writing about our various problems, when it comes down to it I can't imagine two people getting along better than we do. We are absolutely the best of friends. We share exactly the same sense of humour and are laughing almost 90% of our time together. We have innumerable 'inside' jokes and pretty much our own private language. We share the same views on most issues, we like similar music (with a few exceptions!), movies, TV shows, etc. We know each other back to front and inside out, we can communicate without speaking, we know all of each others' strengths and weaknesses and we are very good at supporting each other through difficult times. We know we can tell each other anything and that we can talk through most of our problems. We still do romantic things even at this stage of our relationship, we always say 'i love you', and we still get excited at the end of the day about coming home and seeing each other again. You see why I'm confused so often?

Sometimes I think that the reason we talk about breaking up - and i said this to him the last time - is because we have an unusual relationship considering how long we have been together and how young we still are. I think it's put us in a position where we are kind of stagnating - by now, most people would have moved on to the next stage of getting married and starting a family. But because we are young, we haven't done that, so we haven't moved forward even though it's almost biological that we should have by now. Marriage is still a question mark for us, but lately I've been thinking more and more that I would like to take this step, and I think that our relationship has withstood enough tests to do so. Because we are still young and also have a lot of things we would prefer to spend money on rather than a wedding, I wouldn't mind a long engagement, but I really am starting to yearn for a proposal. I never wanted or thought I would be the kind of girl who gets all impatient about getting a ring on her finger, and I don't think it's about that to be honest - it's just something I want to do for us. I'm also at the stage where I long for a family of our own. This isn't a new thing for me - it started around three years ago, but I tried to put it out of my mind and be patient, knowing that we have years and years ahead of us to do that. He has made it very clear that he wants children, I'm quite sure that he wants to get more financially stable first, but he wants them. Now that we are at this point and I still want it just as much, I'm starting to think - why not? Why can't we do this thing we know would make us both very happy, just because it's not expected in today's society, at our age? With our current financial plans, I honestly believe that we would be in a position to start a family within a year. One thing I know for sure - I very much want to be a young mother (before the age of 30, certainly), I always have.

I am experiencing a very strange duality of feelings at the moment though - I'm not sure if I'm alone in this or if it's part and parcel of this early-mid twenties stage. Sometimes it seems as though my desires to settle down with this man who I adore and have our family are equally matched by my desires to do what any other young person does - travel, have a number of different loves, etc. etc. I don't care much for partying - those days are largely over for me, apart from nights enjoying a bottle of wine with friends - but in other respects I do sometimes wish for a more 'exciting' life - though the idea of sharing my life with my BF and one day, our children, excites me just as much if not more than anything else.

My apologies for the super-long post - I think I have kind of confused myself more just writing it, and not sure if I really got across how I feel about my current situation! But if anyone has any advice to offer me, I would be glad to hear it and see if I can work out what I really want out of my life right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 10:19pm

Welcome to the board, Tae1982 ~


My post is probably going to be a little "all over the map" in response to yours and long, and I hope in the end I make some sense! Here goes:


I see quite a few things that come up like big red flags to me. Your "off and on" problem with his porn use. You haven't mentioned what your problem is with it, if it's excessive or what, and I don't really think it's necessary that you explain it. Let me just say that it's not a problem that would be typically something that's "off and on". Either you accept his porn use or you don't, or are agreeable to a compromise or you aren't, or perhaps he won't abide by agreements made? If it's about agreements, for example, I have a friend who didn't like her husband's computer porn use. It wasn't that she didn't want him to use it, she just didn't want to see it. He agreed to only view it when she's not around, end of problem. If your problem is that you don't agree with porn use at all then the bottom line is you have feelings and standards for porn use that he doesn't agree with. Unless he has an addiction problem (which you haven't indicated) it simply means his feelings about porn aren't the same as yours. You aren't wrong to feel as you do and he's not wrong to feel as he does, you're just different. Problem is, this isn't a problem that's going to go away because it's a difference in values and morals. Since he uses it and you don't like it (to some extent anyway) and it's a preference and choice that's his prerogative to make, you have to decide whether to accept it or not. If you accept it, then you have to do so and let it go, if not then you have to reconsider your relationship, IMO. Battling about this issue for the rest of your life is not an option, at least it wouldn't be for me. It won't change, he has the right to his choice and you know how he feels about it. If this is the case, it's an indicator of a difference in morals and values and those things are very important to be in agreement on in order to have a strong, healthy relationship.


Desiring other women. My husband says about half the men would automatically "go there" while the other half would appreciate the hot look and leave it at that. My red flag is, why in the world would your boyfriend tell you he desires them?


Arguing. Most couples I know argue very little. And when they do they reach a conclusion, agreement, compromise, whatever, and the relationship moves on without the issue that caused the argument. You indicate you argue a fair amount (though later say not as much as most???) and that they drag on. Do you resolve your problems or do they just lose their importance and as a result get dropped?


Libido issues. These aren't going to change either, and, like everything that's a problem before marriage will be amplified after. The amount of sex you're having now is almost certainly the most you can expect. After marriage it'll decrease. So, if it's a problem now and you're not satisfied, know you'll have less later on. And if you think it's something you'll get used to, think again; you won't. It'll become a bigger problem that will leave you less satisfied and more frustrated.


Break up discussions. You indicate a desire to expand out and experience life and relationships -- and you should. I can't tell you how many posts we've received from married women who either regret having had no chance to have a life without their husbands; they feel cheated and are unhappy and know the only way they can experience what they feel they're missing is to get a divorce. We also hear from women who's husbands are considering divorce and/or regrets over the very same issue. Feeling that they missed out on an important part of life and wanting that back. You don't want to be in that group. You mention lots of things that cause you to feel trapped now. Can I ask you to stop and think, if you feel trapped into staying at the age of 23, do you not see this as a huge problem/red flag to the rest of your life? I mean things will not become less involved and complicated, only more. Being trapped at 23 means being stuck where you are for the next 70 years, does that seem rational or acceptable to you? To be *forced* to stay where you are for 70 years because at the age of 23 you can't unstick yourself? The fact is, you can unstick yourself, you may have to give some things up to do it, you may have to modify how you'd like to do it (for a while anyway) and you may be able to be creative in how it comes to pass, but it is certainly do able and it should be done if you want it. For instance, getting a roommate for a while would get you out until you're able to work more and can afford a place of your own, the roommate would be temporary, but would get you started. If you're not sure this break will be forever, make an agreement about the house, he lives there and pays for it, you move out but your name is still on the papers. If you decide to make it permanent he has to buy you out of whatever your equity in the house is. Something can be worked out, it's not all black and white, cut and dried.


The guy you have an attraction to indicates problems in your relationship too. We all meet people we're attracted to, married or single, but to be in a committed relationship and say that If you were ever in a position where something might happen, you aren't sure you'd be able to resist, to me, that says this is more than your typical attraction and I doubt you'd feel that way if things were right with your boyfriend. Have you considered a trial separation where you agree to meet up in specific amount of time to see what each of you thinks (continue separation or get back together)? I honestly think getting your freedom now will only make it better/easier for you in the future. Staying in a relationship while you longingly look across the fence wishing you could go out and play isn't a good thing. You might be able to give up what you wish you could do, but it'll come back to haunt you and you'll have regrets. Regrets are not fun to wrestle with and they don't go away.


Your ages. You've been together since you were 18 and 21. I think a lot of the struggles you're having are likely due to your ages at the time you got together. When you're 18 you're not "done" yet, not nearly through maturing and changing into the adult that you’ll be. At that age, and for many more years to come, you think you know exactly what you want, but the reality is you really don't. There are so many changes yet to come, so much maturing, refining, realizations and changes in what you want in your life. **And all the while, your boyfriend is going through those same changes. Oddly enough, being together doesn't really seem to influence what direction you take, which means it's most likely that by the time you and your partner are finished changing, neither of you are what you were before and you're not as "right" for each other either. When you’re 18, just like now, you think you know exactly what you want for the rest of your life. When you’re 30 you’ll look back and be amazed at how wrong you were, how little you really knew (even though you thought you knew it all) and you’ll be amazed at how much you’ve changed. It’s a normal process that we all go through. I like to liken it to earlier years: the guy you dated when you were 15 you thought was perfect, the best for you, but as you grew and evolved, he wasn't so great for you. The guy that was perfect for you at 15 wasn't even close to being right for you at 18, likewise the guy who was right for you at 18 isn't close to right for you at 26. I think the normal growing and changing you've both been doing is the cause of much of your problems.


Of course you know each other inside out, you've been together for five years. You'd feel the same tight relationship with a sister you grew up close to (you know what I mean). That part isn't surprising. It probably says you've been open and close to each other, but it doesn't mean you're "meant to be" or "right for each other" necessarily to me.


What I don't get is how you talk about wanting to be married, wanting to be engaged, yet it seemed that when you talked about wanting to break up to experience life the things you cited as reasons you couldn't were pretty recent events -- the car accident and getting back on your feet, for instance. It sounds like you're having some pretty major swings of what you want in a short time frame and that is a serious sign that no marriage or engagement should be happening just now. If there's one thing I can tell you it's that you should not enter into marriage if you have so much as one doubt in your mind. No kidding. Until and unless you are 100% certain every day of the week that it's what you want, it's not to be considered. If the relationship's right and marriage is right, there will be no doubts. None. Engagement and/or marriage will not solve any of your problems, they will not make your relationship better or stronger. They will further complicate your relationship and any problems you do have will be amplified.


Have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor to work on figuring out what you want? Have you considered seeing a couples counselor together to work on some of your problems? Those are proactive things that will help you figure out what's right for you.


Phew! Your post was nothing compared to mine. I have to say the number of teenage/early teen relationships that make it to and through adulthood are far and few between and the incredibly high divorce rate of teen marriages further illustrates the changes that occur that make what was once a "perfect" relationship not at all right. Five years is a long time, for sure, but it hardly seals your fate to being forced to spend the rest of your life there. Surely you see that, right?







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