is this violence?
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| Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:14am |
Hello, recently my husband and i have been fighting a lot, and he really hates my attitude, when he gets really really heated he'll do things like push me around, push me up against the wall, grab my face hard, push me repetedly on the bed , grabbing me by my arm , and when i want to leave the room he won't let me , and when i try to leave he throws me on the bed and when i try to sit up he pushes me back down,, these things happened the other night, and i went into a severe panic attack, couldnt breathe, my whole body went numb, and my heart was racing and when he saw that he started hugging me and telling hes sorry.
he never like hit me in the face or anything, but this is really worrying me, maybe it will get worse one day, would you say this is violence or something else? should i be upset at him ? he tells me that he hates himself and he loves me and hes sorry, but these things happen over and over. pls plssss give me advice or tell me your opinion on this matter, it would really help me to think the right thing insted of just being so damn vulnerable all the time.
What would you do, say or think about this?

My best friend stayed in a relationship in which she was beaten and raped every day, and only left when her parents finally came and got her, she found out a week later she was pregant and she knew she could not raise a child in that environment.
Imagine what it would be like if your two year old was talking back, would he throw a child onto the bed, push them into a wall?
It is UNACCEPTABLE for him to be treating you this way.
Please get out and get help before it gets any worse!
Herselfx,
What would you tell someone else how came and asked you if this was abusive or was it okay? Would you tell your child or a friend that this was "okay" behavior?
I have to say, it is not unusual for violence to escalate when a woman is pg, if that is the case with you. If it's not, it's still totally and comepletely abuse. And it's also illegal to keep someone from leaving the situation like that. Called unlawful imprisonment.
Jen
Please, please, please copy your post and repost it on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. The members there understand exactly where you are; they have been or are in the same place you are. They can offer support and understanding like no one else can. Reading the posts, clear back through the archives will help you too, there's a lot of knowledge to be gained from reading them. Also, be sure to read through Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage . At the bottom of the webpage are links to articles that will help you understand what's going on in your marriage. I strongly urge you to read them all, even those whose titles don't seem to apply, you'd be surprised to find what fits that you wouldn't have realized before you read it.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I know how awful and confusing it is. You just want it not to be happening, it sure isn't what you wanted for your life. Huge hugs, Herselfx.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Why would you want to talk to him about this? Only 1-3% of abusers ever change. He knows what he's doing. It's not like he's unaware of it. I don't know what you think talking would accomplish...
As for you fueling it, there is no way you are. No matter what you say you CANNOT "fuel" this. You aren't making him get physical with you. It is HIS CHOICE to respond this way. I can tell you over and over how my DH and I will get into major arguments and I am very assertive and aggressive and I know where all the buttons are and I've been known to push them. NOT ONCE has my DH EVER laid a hand on me.
Start tracking things. Sure, maybe it's better inbetween, but start tracking to see if it's better for 2 weeks, then an instance, then better for 2 weeks, then an instance. It will show you that things aren't "getting better", it's just the normal pattern and cycle that is your life.
I can't tell you what to do in that situation. I just don't have the experience to help with that.
Jen
You asked if you're to blame -- no, you're not. I understand what you mean about saying things during a fight that cause escalation, but grabbing, pushing and holding down is not okay and you are not responsible for how he chooses to react. You're also not to blame if you push, shove and physically struggle or hit in an attempt to get away from him or to fight back. You're entitled to fight back and to protect yourself.
You're also right about talking to him about it. If you tell him he's abusing you, he'll laugh at you, tell you you're nuts, tell you you're exaggerating, blowing it way out of proportion. Trying to "talk" to him about it won't get you anywhere but put down, minimized and probably like you said, him getting very angry. I would suggest when/if you talk to him you talk about the behavior (pushing, shoving, holding down, grabbing, etc.) and tell him it's not acceptable, period. You don't have to tell him it's abusive. IMO, you need to have a line drawn, tell him if it happens again, you're leaving, period. But, don't threaten anything you aren't ready to back up when it happens again, because you already know it will happen again. You also need to know that abusers don't change. The rate of abusers who actually change and become non-abusive is 1%, and that's with intense, domestic abuse treatment.
You really need to post on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and get their thoughts and suggestions, they'll be a much better source of help to you than I can be. Much of what I know I learned on their board, reading posts and the same Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage links that I suggested you read. There are so many links that would really help you, make you more aware, understand your situation better and realize a lot of what's going on. There are articles on characteristics of an abuser and of an abuse victim (you'll find both of you described there), there's an article on how he soothes you (Sweet Baby Syndrome), there's an article on how you can tell if he's really changing, and a ton more, and you need to read them all. I'd really urge you to read through the articles that are there, starting with the ones at the bottom of the page, those are the ones that explain and describe abusive situations, then post to get the feedback of the board members.
You can talk to me anytime too, I'll always be here for you, but for help and advice, they're you're best bet and I would always defer what I think is best to their superior knowledge.
A highly recommended book on the subject is “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft . Bancroft is an expert in the field of domestic abusers, and his book is written to help women in abusive situations understand what's going on. The book is incredibly eye opening. There's also a link to an audio interview with Lundy Bancroft that you can find here: Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Jen's absolutely right, it is a pattern. This is something I didn't see until after I got out of my marriage. You fight, he's abusive and sorry, there's a "honeymoon period", where even if he's not overly sweet, everything goes well, followed by a time where things get increasingly more tense, maybe his mood is changing, he's back to doing things that are problems, maybe you're getting angry or maybe you're getting more concerned, walking on eggshells, trying to avoid the wrath of the fight. Then the fight finally happens and you're back to starting the cycle over again.
My description might not be absolutely correct in your situation, but I'm betting if you step back and take a look at it, it's the same process over and over again.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Im so sorry that you are going through that. I, just as many here have, have been through that and its horrific. Seconds going on for hours and your heart not beating the entire time while your mind says one phrase over and over "Oh God..."
As a former 'panic attacker' myself, that is the most horrible feeling in the world. you'd crawl right out of your skin if you could. THAT right there tells you this is abuse. I dont know you personally, but I doubt that you are so emotionally delicate (or were before this, anyway) that if someone stuck their tongue out at you, you'd go into hysterics. Those attacks are the evidence of emotional damage to you, hon'. Your body isnt lying.
I went on with mine until it did become physical, and wish that I hadnt. But maybe some of the things that others have been through could help you stop from being one of us who have. When he touched you, simply touched you, out of anger - he crossed the line into abuse. My ex put a cigarette out on my hand,spit in my face literally once, squeezed my nose until I heard it crack, etc. and it was always an accident and he was aaaalways sorry. His was always when he was drunk - when not he was unresponsive after just a few months of marriage. This was my first real adult relationship and really soured me for men for a very long while.
I knew what I had to do, but I stayed - just for a little while, ...cuz he had two little ones with me...and he would see what he was doing...and then he'd stop...and be sorry someday. He is still sorry, Im just not his sorrier wife anymore. It was the hardest thing to do, but Ive got a wonderful life now and that girl that took all I did is history!
Men and women have normally learned the end-agreement walk-off and get the heck away from the issue. For him to not know that boundary can show he doesnt know others either.
Im so sorry that you are going through this. I know that its hurting, I know that its awful and I hate that you have to deal with this. The hardest thing of all to realize is that someone who loves you, truly loves you, would never try to put fear in your heart of them. Fear of your hurting their heart? yes. Fear of them hurting you with abuse? No no no.