Viva Las Vegas

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Viva Las Vegas
25
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 2:28pm
OK heres the deal, my boss pays for a trip to Vegas for me and my girlfriends/coworkers for Administrative Porfessionals/Secretery's day in May. I am 30 and the others are 40 & 50. We do cut loose and party the weekend away, but nothing over the top or inappropriate. We have the option to go again in October (because my boss got a good air miles deal and offered it to us. I don't feel this should be a big deal, butmy husband is very needy and possesive. I have given him no reason to act like this. I can't control how he feels we have been married for 12 years. I just want to ask all you reading this what your opinion is should I go. He doesn't know yet. So please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:27pm

I disagree there are no out of pocket costs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:46pm

Frequent flyer miles (if that is what he is using) have a significant value (either to him personally or to the company)......in the one company I worked in if you used some of the companies miles for personal travel you had to pay them back AND if you left before doing so they placed a monetary value on them and took it out of your last pay. And who is paying for the hotels and activities by the way....they certainly are not cheap....I have been to Vegas. I have never heard of a guy giving 3 admins 6 free airfares to Las Vegas (that is 180,000 miles in most programs and has to be worth roughly $1,800).....I am 20 years now at this corporate thing in 2 different companies as a boss and employee and having worked with probably 100 different clients --- never heard of such a thing. Not saying it isn't true......just seems overly generous, and the fact that he is now making this offer more than once after the first one was put in the context of "admin appreciation day".... well frankly I smell a rat. Whether I am just overly suspicious or the boss wants to create a legitimate cover to get his "girl" out there so he can have a romp with her, it is not the real issue here.

Specifically to the OP's situation....Its really not a question as to whether you or I or anyone else thinks it is a big deal....he does.....I totally agree with you that she should be able to do this, and that he should trust her.....In fact I am going to be in Vegas for 3 days in two weeks and I would be really perplexed if my SO said she didn't like this (although in my case it is a company meeting so we are at least pretending it is business related). This is probably my 6th trip to Vegas for "business."

So she is right.....how does that help her relationship in this case. The only good reason I have heard her offer is that she needs a break....OK so take a break somewhere that does not advertise adultery as a game. Frequent flyer miles have blackout dates but they do not have location black outs within the continental US. I know she could be cheating with the mailman or the guy next store and the location doesn't really guarantee anything, but at least the mailman is not on TV advertising adultery as a game every night (hi our names are Marcia, Jan, and Cindy...what exactly do you think that is about). If this is truly a gift than he should want them to go somewhere that they want to go (so what if not vegas) and certainly not cause disruption in their home lives with his gift.

If a wife was on here saying she didn't want her husband hanging out in strip clubs, I would say then he should be taking her feelings into consideration --- should he be allowed to go...sure, and should it be a problem if she trusts him.....no. But it should matter to him that it matters to her (for whatever reason) and he should be taking this into account when deciding if he is going to continue this behavior. Just cause he gets to go for free with co-workers doesn't make it any better for her I am sure.

Anyways that was my point. P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 1:24pm

Ok now we have established that it is not right that you can't go and it is also not fair (cause he goes to Nascar). Those are great concepts for the law firm you work at in some types of criminal and civil law, however, they have little to do with fixing a troubled relationship.

Do any of your attorney's practice family law ---- if so ask them about couples in divorce who are focused on "right" and "fair".....they will be the ones that they make the most money with cause it takes forever to solve even the most trivial issues....the couple fights endlessly for those noble concepts of Righteousness and Fairness.

Your argument that no one has done anything inappropriate so far would not do much for me....for most people cheating takes some practice runs to build up both nerve and a way to get away with it. Go to the "cheated on" board and ask that question and see.

OK.... so go for it.....Tell your HUSBAND you do not care how he feels about this, cause his feelings are invalid. You are going to accept a gift from your BOSS and go to LAS VEGAS with your GIRLFRIENDS to get a break from him.... and if he doesn't like it too darn bad. You are right and this is fair and he just needs to get over it. Obviously this outing means that much to you.

Then come back in X months (or maybe a year or two) on the divorce and custody board and give us an update on your great time in Vegas with the girlfriends and let us know how the divorce and custody process is going.

Sometimes I tell my kids "I know this is not what you want, but I'm the Dad and I said so".....I never use that type of reasoning on my SO.

I hope you find a way to get a break, have a good time, and improve your relationship with your husband, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 1:25pm

Vegas is not the same as strip clubs. I do believe there are things you can do in Vegas which would not involve seeing other people naked.

And if the boss is paying for trips to have a tryst, it doesn't sound as though the OP is aware of it or party to it at all.

Jen

Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 1:30pm

Yup - he goes to Arizona for a Nascar race. That's the kind of thing I suggested for you - go somewhere that does NOT bill itself as the adultery capital of the world (I can't think of one other place that advertises the fact that morals go out the window once you touch down - "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"). There are lots of other places with shows and sites and things to do to unwind, just not XXX in nature.

You say this is the 3rd time with these girls - the other 2 were for a special occassion. This one is "just because". I still think the boss may have an ulterior motive (maybe not with you, but it seems like it's there). And I believe that if the tables were turned and it was a guy saying that his female boss is "giving" these expensive gifts away "just because the guys need a break" people would think differently. If the wife in that situation didn't feel comfortable with the man going would just add to that.

You asked for our opinions - mine is that you DH is uncomfortable with this and you should be thinking of that instead of thinking that he's trying to control you. In many companies since this has no business value and is not a business trip it would be a serious ethics violation. Even if "nobody has done anything they weren't supposed to", it gives the appearance that something is. I think you should try and go somewhere else or not accept the "gift". Employees/customers turn down gifts all the time because the *appear* improper even if they are completely benign. This one *appears* improper and your DH obviously agrees.

Jeff

Avatar for jeffkristi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-1998
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 1:37pm

"Vegas is not the same as strip clubs. I do believe there are things you can do in Vegas which would not involve seeing other people naked."

But strip clubs bill themselves as places to *SEE* naked people, Vegas bills itself as a place to *DO SOMETHING* with naked people. Saying going to Vegas does not involve seeing other people naked is like saying I buy Playboy for the articles. Sure, you don't have to *SEE* anything in Vegas that's not of adult nature, but then you can go just about anywhere for that. That's what I suggested - go for a trip with the girls or whatever if that's what you need to do, but the location is a bad choice for that. Especially in a marriage that's already having difficulties.

jeff

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 1:44pm

your right strip clubs generally don't advertise on TV to the tune of 10's of millions of dollars a year and their premise is pay to watch....don't touch. Vegas on the other hand's premise is pretend to be someone you are not and do whatever the heck you feel like....what happens there stays there so there is no accountability in the rest of your life. Not sure if they are trying to get people to come there for shows and shopping why you need to pretend you have a different name (unless there is some identity theft angle I have missed). So why do they advertise like this.....cause people will pay a lot more for the chance to cheat without strings than to see The Blue Man Group or believe it or not even gambling...its nickname is SIN CITY for gosh sakes....and they are telling you if you come here this is the attitude of the other people also here so if it is what you want it is gonna be easy.

This is adult SPRING BREAK right? Go somewhere with lots of other people from different places with the same attitude of drink, hook-up fast, and then go home. Of course most college students playing this game are not married.

So we have a husband and wife who are having some issues, a big percentage of which are his from past realtionships, and she wants to jump into the above a couple of times a year and he is concerned. I don't think she should just dismiss his concern as irrational and invalid and tell him she is going anyways. To me that is adding to the dysfunction of this relationship no matter what she does or doesn't do while on the trips.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:08pm

Your SO must be very understanding given you are going to this terrible city soon yourself

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:33pm

Oh she is sweet, smart, sexy, thoughful, understanding, a great mom, and we trust each other completely.....that is why going to SIN CITY is not a problem for our relationship. I just hope a lot of my co-workers are not there looking for the hook-up and trying to drag me along to the clubs as part of their group "hunt" BTDT and it sickens me to watch esp. given I know a lot of the SO's. I think I will just park myself at the poker table or maybe go see a comedy show with the a couple of the guys who are there and not looking for free without strings sex.

Thanks for your post on this....glad to see we have similar perspectives (and it not just men vs. women on this one) P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 2:53pm
That is just it I don't know why he will have a problem with it. My room will also be paid for and we do socialize with them, my husband included on occation. I believe it is just the past bitting me in the ass.