Was he cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Was he cheating?
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 7:49am
I got a phone call from a friend of my DH's saying that she was in Orlando, about 60 miles from our town. We live in FL and she lives in OH. He had not talked to her that I am aware of, in about a year. They use to talk on the phone occasionally while we were dating. He assured me that she was only a skydiving friend and there was never more than a friendship between them. I called to let him know she was in town, and he sounded happy to hear it. I ask him why she would not let us know that she was in FL, and he said that she had emailed him to let him know she was coming with her parents and bringing her skydiving gear. I ask him why he didn't say anything to me and he replied that she was unreliable, and he wasn't sure "positively" that she would actually come. Apparently her intentions were not just skydiving. While we were at lunch, my DH informed me that he would be home a little late because he wanted to do some anniversary shopping. I thought that was great. I went shopping also. My son called my cell phone at about 7 and wanted to know if my DH was with me because Beth had just called for him. She told my son that she had tried to call my DH on his cell phone but couldn't get through. She had just checked into a room at XYZ hotel, and would my son give him the message. I told my son to call him and give him the message. I have never met her, I have only talked to her on the phone. I got a call from my DH about 30 minutes later sounding very anxious. He wanted to know where I was, which town I was in, and what I was doing. I ask what was wrong, and he replied, Are you following me? Well I wasn't following him, I was in the checkout line at Target. He was home when I got home and seemed very edgy. His skydiving friend called our house at 8:30 the next morning and when he wasn't home she explained to me that she did not appreciate him not returning to the hotel, she said that she spent the money on the room, bought an outfit especially for him, but he got there before her and left a message that he went to get something to eat, and would be back. I confronted him and he said he definately did not go to meet her. She was nuts. Well I was confused as to why she would tell me what she did, and every aspect of what was happening. It really bothered me to think that he would say he was going shopping and go to meet her in a hotel. I was very upset and decided to call the hotel and pretend to be her, and ask for them to give me messages again. They did. My DH was there, left a message that he would go get something to eat, and return. My heart sunk, and I was sick at my stomach. I called him to confront him and he again denied being there. I told him I did not want any BS and I wanted the truth. After a long pause he said okay, yes I did go to meet her, but only to find out why she thought I would want to meet her under those circumstances, he said he had no intentions of going to a room with her, he wanted to just see her in the lobby, and find out what was going on with her. Well I don't think he met her, because of the phone call from her upset that he hadn't, and because he was home by 8pm. I don't know what to think. And I can't help but wonder what would have happened if she had not been late checking into the hotel. I am having serious issues with trust, and he is going skydiving again this weekend. I wonder who he tells people I am, his housekeeper ??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 9:22am
A lot of things sound wrong with all that. It is -possible- that she could be after him, and he isn't interested. However, he set up a skydiving date with her without your knowledge and only told you about it when you intercepted a call from her. Then he just happens to want extra time to go shopping, and that's the time that she just happens to have gotten a room. THEN he happens to be very concerned and paranoid that you were following him, and he comes home early. Meanwhile she's angry that she bought a special outfit and got a motel room.

His lying, then explaining that she had tried to get him to her room, doesn't have the ring of truth to me. If it had happened, he should have come home shocked and upset by her behavior, filled you in, and said he wouldn't go out with her anymore. Instead he came home worried about being caught at something, and he's made another date with her.

In my opinion, a married man who knows another woman is trying to seduce him (and has even called her nuts) does NOT keep going out with this woman! What logical reason could there be for going out with her again, if he thinks she's nuts? Why would he want to be "friends" with someone that he knows he will have to duck and dodge to stay out of her bed?

It doesn't make sense. In my history with men, when something doesn't make sense, it means he's lying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 9:33am
Hi.. I don't think he was cheating, because his friend was so open calling your house, and telling you of the plans. If he was cheating, she would not have called and have been so open. She seems just plain inconsiderate, any woman with common courtesy would've invited you as well.

As far as your husband, I'm not sure why he's not inviting you as well, or why he wasn't direct with you on the plans. I don't think his intentions are to cheat, but I suggest telling him you have a right to know anytime he is meeting another woman friend, he's married to you and you deserve to always be put first!

Take care and best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:50pm
Just because she called the house does not mean he isnt cheating. I had a bf who have had women call my house and say that there was nothing going on, (these were women I suspected him of messing with). Some woman will do anything just to keep a man. I think that if he didnt cheat yet, he probably will. Sorry,, but his story just doesnt add up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 2:54pm
it sure SMELLS fishy. that doesn't mean that he is or he isn't cheating, but it doesn't sound right. of course, your DH is NOT responsible for this woman calling you up and giving you that story about the outfit and so on. but he DID meet her, he DID go to her hotel, he DIDN'T tell you that she was in town until you asked him, and why was he so uptight about you supposedly checking up on him?

I don't get it, I am sure you don't get it either.

I guess, this comes on the heel of your anniversary non-outing, and I think maybe tension and anger and frustration are sky-high in your house? I don't know what to tell you...

you say you have trust issues - but the question is, is your husband a trustworthy person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 9:39pm
I do have to say that, yes, he is normally a trustworthy person, and thank you for all of your thoughts. It does help me sort things out, and gives me different perspectives. If he was not a trustworthy person I wouldn't be sitting here, I would be packing his things. And let me clarify that he is not skydiving with her this weekend, or at least I believe she is back in Ohio. The only reason I could imagine a woman calling a mans spouse and talking as blatent as she did, is if she did not know I am his spouse. I cannot imagine talking to a mans wife in that manner. In my shock of what I was hearing on the telephone, I didn't tell her, I just told her never to call my house again for him. Unbelievably, he thinks I was wrong for calling the hotel pretending to be her getting messages. Like I told him, if I hadn't called, I would not have known the truth about him going to the hotel, and I have every right to know if he is meeting another woman. If he had been honest with me, I would not have felt the need to call for verification. My DH told me when we first started dating that he dated alot after he was divorced. He said that he told himself he would never get into a relationship again. If he was dating someone and the relationship wasn't smooth sailing, he stopped dating that person, he wouldn't deal with any hassles. Kind of a playing the field time for him. Six years of it. The only person I have talked to that he dated was from 3 years ago. He dated her about 8 months, she was 17 years younger than him, I am not sure why they stopped dating. She contacted him regarding some pics he took of her in lingerie, wanting them back in her hands, and while she was asking for her pictures, just thought that she would mention a leather jacket she had forgotten at his house. Ironically, the leather jacket was given to me as a birthday present, after it was cleaned. I had no idea. He threw away the jacket, and I got over that. But this incident just kind of brings it all back and makes me wonder what is really going on here.