Was i wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2012
Was i wrong?
8
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 4:03am

Hi all, Reasurance really on this! My Fella lives 1/4 mile away and on his own,does not work presently- so we spend time at each others houses although  he does not like staying at mine

So although i still have a son at home (college) and a aging dog,work full time,look after mum, i do make a concentrated effort to pack my dog into the car as she has recently been very poorly -she cant get into car without using a step (which i carry about with me ) collected her bed and food and my stop over clothes as he moans if i leave too many clothes there -and set off ...i arrived and got my elderly dog settled and we were having a glass of wine when i mentioned my dog was not looking so good! He flew into "i can see im in the bleeding way  here "got up and went upstairs !!? so i collected my dog got her into the car followed by luggage food and bedding (45 mins since i arrived ) and came home, No phone call from him or text ! and i feel i should not either as the way i felt he behaved was totally out of order as i make the efforts to be there and to be treated like this was a shock - How should i react ?? thank yous xx


Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 1:49am

Hi Ellirobert ~

It sounds like there's more to the story, something else going on, more history than has been told, yes?  Why the anger/upset?  What else is going on, what problems/issues have been between you two?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2012
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 4:07am
well the relationship is good some time and if he is happy then im meant to be too , the fact e thinks its ok to take ex female work colleagues out alone of eve for dinner and drinks is ok too ?? i said not happy and wont have it - diff if i was invited but im not - e said e will continue ! .. He says my dog is ill trained ...not so she is a quiet and respectful obedient dog, he likes to think as e is a singer of eve -that e can pull anyone ..e is 55 fgs ! we are no spring chicken s ... does not like my family as we are no nads chavs lol ,, and also does not like my bro as we are close ... e has even been as sick to say incest has taken place of which i told him to retract as that was disgusting remark ..in fact a sick remark !! My son is off to uni soon and he as said ..i suppose e will be round your neck for next 30 yrs ...i keep a clean house ..im obbsessed ..!! according to him ..iv a spoilt child too ... not so at all . i work full time and look after mom (84) one day week .... e said she shouls get care in not you and that im manipulated by her ?? oh i can go on : (
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: ukgirl82
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 6:40am

Sounds like he feels that you are giving more attention to the dog than to him. Basically, he's jealous. Which is petty and selfish if the dog hasn't been doing well. I would not want to be with someone who did not have equal concern for a beloved and aging or ill pet. He sounds very insensitive.

That combined with everything you've mentioned in your second post, I have to wonder why you are even with this man? His behavior is highly disturbing. He is entirely self centered, to the detriment of other people and animals, and throws a tantrum and hurls unfounded accusations if your world doesn't revolve around him and only him. He is jealous of the perfectly natural relationships you have with other people or even animals and his demands that you reform - or rather, cut off these relationships is a sign of highly controlling and unhealthy behavior. Seeing your mom ONE day a week is certainly not unreasonable. He is basically asking you to abandon her completely, which would be a cruel and heartless thing to do to an old woman. 

If you choose to continue in this relationship, please be very, very wary. Wanting you to essentially abandon the people in your life is a way of cutting off any support from them so that he can have complete and total control over you. Read this article about warning signs that you're in an unhealthy, toxic, or even dangerous relationship: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171

Note this part: "5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase."

Sound familiar? The only person trying to manipulate you is HIM. And meanwhile, he feels he is perfectly entitled to do whatever he wants, even if it bothers you and even it's inappropriate (like taking other women out on dates). On the second page of the article, notice number 13: "Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit."

Please get away from this man, he is toxic and will only bring you serious problems. I don't know how long you have been together but his behavior will only increase as time goes on. As long as you stay with him, you are showing him you will put up with his behavior and he will feel more and more comfortable escalating it.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: 2nd_life
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 1:19am

So he has inappropriate relationships with women and tells you they will continue, he dislikes your relationship with your brother, your son and your mother....why is it you're with him?  I understand that sometimes it's good because he's happy but these differences, his  beliefs are not going to change which assures much unhappiness and discord between you.  Find a man who you're compatible with (agrees with your standards and appreciates your family) and it will be happy all the time.  You're settling for far less than you should, you're settling for less that happy.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 4:37pm

I would say you were right in your first reaction but....  I also agree with 2nd_Life, there seems to be more going on here.  From what you've told us, it sounds like he is crying out for some "quality time" but it also sounds like there is some history here that's not come to light causing this to be a real issue for him, I'm sure the dog is not the real issue.  I say this because you brought up the dog which I'm guessing changed the focus of what was going on at the time and denied him the "quality time" or personal attention that he wanted and didn't get and felt offended or undesired and as a result lashed out.  How you handle this can go one of two ways. 1.  Be mad and wait for him to call an appologize or 2. Go over there without the dog or any other distractions and try to calmly find out why this offended him so much and try to work it out.  As the saying goes, "It's hard to not step in it if you can't see what's in front of you".

DJbootcamp

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 7:09pm
A few days later i did go without the dog - to be told i overacted ,so i suggested how else we could have dealt with it ! he said nothing -so i knew what i did was for the best ... as for quality time lol He does not work - but very rarely offers to cook dinner - iv got sick of doing that now that i dont bring dinner up as i get tired too unable to be on my p.c f/b all day ..he does not speak to me ,i have to bring convo up and ask what hes done today , and quality time with him is plentiful albeit he wont (out of being stubborn) stay at mine as no dvd, tv, cannels crap ! bed too hard ,house too sml ect ect ,,, As a women i think i do pretty well staying at his part w/e esp when e had umpteen other women living there ... in past (its a women thing lol) so the eve went to how unintelligent i was ,how manly my attitude was ,and that i was a stupid person who revolves around her so called family -not true as i never c them ..only mom once a week ! What i think he has is Passive aggression tendencies , all his other women have ended up being pulled down and sought counselling - Told him he had the wrong one this time - and it isnt going to work on me -thats when i got called manly lol -i can spend all day ,eve -w/e away with him but its never enough also iv always to be round his dark hole of Calcutta !!! My home is light and airy .but its like he has a thing about coming here , thank you for your reply .. appreciated x
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: 2nd_life
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 2:01am

I'm confused, Elli, are you still with him?  I guess I don't understand why you'd think going without the dog would fix this, the dog is not the problem, but an excuse he uses.  The problem is him and you can't fix that.  It seems clear that he knows what button to push that gets you upset (family) and when he uses it, all else that's a problem "disappears" as the family accusation becomes your focus.

I don't know why you'd want anything to do with this guy.  I don't why you'd go back and I don't know why you'd put the slghtest effort in trying to make this work.  If it works you've still got him and that's not a good thing.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: ukgirl82
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 7:49am

ellirobert wrote:
so the eve went to how unintelligent i was ,how manly my attitude was ,and that i was a stupid person who revolves around her so called family

These were his exact words? Did you read the article I posted a link to? It also describes "Killing Your Self Confidence": "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

That's now at least three attributes he matches on a list of unhealthy and toxic behavior to watch out for. The article was written by a psychologist who knows what he's talking about. Notice in the introduction of the article, it says: The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

Quote:
What i think he has is Passive aggression tendencies , all his other women have ended up being pulled down and sought counselling - Told him he had the wrong one this time - and it isnt going to work on me 

He's not passive aggressive - he's a controlling, manipulating, verbally abusive man. Is the fact that ALL his former partners have ended up in therapy not a HUGE eye opener for you? You may think you are stronger than they were, that you won't allow yourself to be pulled down by him. But merely by staying with him you are showing him that you WILL put up with his behavior. He is not going to change so unless you want to put up with this for the rest of your life, please leave him asap.