Was I Wrong? Please Help!
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| Tue, 09-06-2005 - 8:38am |
Hey everyone - I will try to make this quick. My H and I have been married for about five years. This morning we were both really stressed, and he said that because I make less money than him, that my time at the office was less valuable than the time he spends earning. Okay, that bothered me a little, but he does make more than me, so I accept that attitude.
After we parted to get ready for work, I was feeling really sad about alot of things in our marriage, and I cried a little as I was getting ready. I don't know why I felt so emotional as to cry, but I did. My H was in the shower during this time, and by the time he came out, I had composed myself and was fine and just getting ready to go to work. When he came out, he asked me if things were okay, and I said yes. As we were leaving the house, he asked me again, and I said, "Honestly, honey, before I cried a little because -" and as I was trying to explain my feelings to him, he cut me off and raised his voice and started accusing me of lying to him. He said that he felt so betrayed, lied to now - he can't trust me to be open and honest with him. I told him that he didn't even let me finish explaining my feelings to him, and he is judging me now. He was really upset with me and said that if I can't be honest with him, he doesn't know if this (meaning our marriage) is going to work for him. He said that by not telling him when he asked first thing, I am putting up barriers and a wall between us. I really am completely honest with him about everything. This morning, I just didn't want to get into a long conversation about my feelings, when I didn't and still don't know how I feel exactly. Plus, we were both heading off to work, which isn't the right time for a serious conversation. All the way to work (we car pool) he basically let me have it for not being honest. By the time we were parting for the day, I was in tears.
What hurts me more than anything is the fact that he gets so wrapped up in telling me how hurt he feels, he never asks me or ever will talk about my feelings with me - it's just all about him and how I have done him wrong. This happens with so many things. I will start to tell him something, for example, "I feel X when Y happens, and it really makes me feel sad" - I always try to be fair, but more often than not, if he doesn't like what I am saying, he cuts me off and gets defensive and totally takes over the conversation. We never go back to my initial feelings. I have brought this up with him, and he says that he cares about how I feel, he just doesn't like that I see him a certain way, when it isn't how he feels. Now I am sitting here at my desk, my H hasn't called, emailed, texted to say he is sorry - I am really beginning to feel as though I was wrong about not telling him straight away, when he asked me the first time. On the other hand, I feel like because they are my feelings, I should talk about them when I feel comfortable, like after work....Was I wrong to handle it like I did? Thanks for reading.

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I assume this reply was meant for the original poster and not for me... ;)
While saying "nothing" when asked what's wrong wasn't true, it was hardly a monumental sin, and quite frankly, given the attitude you've described, it's no wonder you say "nothing", it's certainly better than offering yourself up to be subjected to the punishment that being honest will bring you. Being honest with him is not a positive experience for you, it's not a productive or positive thing to do, why would you be honest with someone like that? Who likes punishment? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. He is putting up barriers and walls by punishing you for your openness and honesty. I think saying "nothing" is pretty darned common, in fact, I used it yesterday. Not that doing so is productive or helpful and I will say that I did explain myself to my husband a while later, after having had time to collect my thoughts and be in a position to present my problem in the manner I wanted to. It's certainly not optimal, but it's also not a betrayal. Give me a break.
You said, "he says that he cares about how I feel, he just doesn't like that I see him a certain way, when it isn't how he feels. "His explanation doesn't make sense to his action. If you don't like how you're being seen, then you need to take a very deep and close look at what you're doing that's causing you to be perceived in that way. His actions guarantee that nothing changes. He's trying to bully you, intimidate you into silence and trying to somehow force you to see him differently, despite the fact that what you are seeing and feeling is reality.
"I have really been getting the vibe that the reason why he cuts me off when I am trying to tell me how I feel, is because he wants to distract me from feeling the feelings that I feel....Because if he is all mad at me because I was disrespectful (which he says I am when I have feelings about him that he doesn't think is justified) then I 'forget' about my feelings and feel bad about having hurt him... "You're feeling is exactly right. He's not interested in how you feel or think, he's interested in how he's perceived, in being right and in being justified. Honestly, I really doubt that he thinks of you as being entitled to have feelings that aren't what he approves of. This is about power and control -- his power and control. He doesn't see you as an equal.
"he said that because I make less money than him, that my time at the office was less valuable than the time he spends earning. " This statement is even more evidence of his seeing you as a lesser human being than he. Your time is not less valuable, regardless of your pay. Does that mean that a stay at home mom is worthless because she's bringing in zero dollars?
You said he's always been like this. I suspect it's gotten progressively worse over the years, am I right? You were crying this morning though there had been no argument. Sweetie, I think you have every reason to be break into tears living with this kind of man, you're justified in doing so, you are dealing with a lot. I'm sure your head is swirling with the confusion of what you think is right vs. how he insists it is, how it gets all confused and twisted when you try to bring it up with him. It seems so right when you start out, seems like the right way to make improvement and proceed in a healthy relationship, but somehow it all gets turned around so it doesn't make sense and while you know what you wanted, you can't explain it anymore. You don't know how it turned into a fight, why he's mad or how to fix it and you have no idea where to go from here, am I close? Sweetie, you are in an abusive relationship. Your are dealing with verbal and emotional abuse. Maybe that's a shock to you and maybe it isn't. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive, only I didn't realize that's what it was until long after I got out. I remember being shocked as I read descriptors of emotional and verbal abuse and the realization sunk in. He was a "great guy" too, on occasion. The trouble was, I never knew what would set him off. My stomach was in knots and I walked on egg shells much of the time. Over the years I found myself stifling things I never thought I would and going to great lengths to keep the peace or fix problems before he saw them in order to keep the peace. I compromised what I believed was correct and appropriate behavior in a relationship just to keep the verbal attacks away. It doesn't matter how often he's a nice guy, the verbal attacks he puts you through are not acceptable, not one time, not ever. The deal is this, you can turn yourself on your head in trying to fix this, but you can't, it's not you. I'm betting you really know it's not you, but you're beginning to think maybe he's right, maybe it is your fault because you've been hearing it for so long. You said you don't have much contact with family or friends anymore. That's typical in abuse. Sometimes it's because the abuser demands that you end contact, sometimes they complain and berate you enough for continuing contact that it's easier to give it up than to deal with his reaction. Other times (like me) you back away from family and friends because it's so hard to be around them, worrying how he'll react, if he'll "go off" or if you'll say or do something that you'll catch hell for when you get home. Also, it's hard to keep up friendships when your marriage is so starkly different than the marriages of your friends. It's hard to just agree with what they say when your world is so different and it's hard to talk to them about how it is for you because it's embarrassing that it's so "off".
There are some articles I'd like you to take a look at:What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it’s slow but it’s sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
Please understand that many of what's listed in the articles and posts I linked here will not fit your husband. These are general descriptors, some will fit one abuser, others will fit others, but the bottom line is that finding only a few doesn't mean he's not abusive or that he's not "so bad", it means he's abusive, period. No amount of abuse is acceptable or tolerable and you are not "better off" than women who are physically beat. It's been proven that verbal and emotional abuse is more damaging than physical abuse.
I know I've thrown a lot at you, and I expect it might take a while for you to read, process and maybe accept what you're hearing. The articles I linked you to are from the Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage . Please check it out yourself as there are many more links and information than I posted here. Even if the link title doesn't seem to fit your situation, I urge you to read it, you'd be surprised what you might find. I strongly urge you to post on their board: Dealing With Domestic Abuse . Even if you're not sure this is abuse, they'll be able to assess your situation and give you their thoughts. I guarantee you they are not eager to call everything "abuse", if they don't see abuse, they'll tell you so. The women on that board have been or are in abusive situations. They understand, they've been there. If you plan to post there (and I really hope you do), I would urge you to post your first post and provide a link to the rest of your thread here, there's much in your dialog with Kim that tells more of your story, giving them the link to read it themselves would be a fast and easy way to get them the information they need. I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this. Please let me know how you're doing, and what you think.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Sexual Pleasure
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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