we broke up but it doesn't feel final

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
we broke up but it doesn't feel final
4
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 2:30pm

My heart is breaking. My boyfriend and I broke up last night because he is still unsure about wether or not he ever wants kids someday. He broke up with me. We have been going out 1 1/2 years and ever since the beginning I have known that he was undecided. I know that I do want them.

Over the last 1 1/2 years, our conversations about this have increased from only once in a while to about once a month sometimes more. It always ended in me crying and trying to understand how he feels. But nothing ever got resolved. Its always the same thing, he just doesn't know. I tried really hard to not bring it up all the time and to not pressure him but there were times where my emotions about the issue just overwhelmed me and it would come up.

Its become more and more apparent to me that he is leaning towords not wanting children but he still always says that he doesn't know for sure. He had a rough childhood growing up. One where his father drank a lot and often wasn't around. His mother also wasn't around very much and it resulted in him feeling unloved. He said there has been times where he wished he hadn't even been born. He is so afraid of doing that to a child he has. Its like he thinks he is going to turn into his parets.

He is also very afraid of losing his freedom. He is afraid of never being able to do what he wants to do and he is afraid that its somehow going to change me into a different person.

I've told him I don't want to have children for another 3-5 years but he basically told me last night he feels like he should have an answer for me but he doesn't and he feels like he is wasting my time. He told me that for some reason, h just can't seem to put forth the energy to figure out what he wants. He was bawling his eyes out and basically told me that he feels so worthless and that he has no purpose in his life. He has been feeling depressed lately about his career and the way his life is going and I know thats a big part of why he is so unsure about having kids someday. He doesn't even know what he wants out of life. He told me that he looks at his sister and her family and often thinks why would you put yourself through all that ( meaning not being able to do what you want whenever you want) but he also thinks about how he may be missing out on something very good someday. And he thinks about how when he is old he would be alone and that makes him sad.

We spent 2 hours last night talking about this and I begged him to go to a counselor with me or by himself but he thinks a counselor won't help. He thinks that they are just going to tell him what he already knoww, he needs to figure it out. The thing is he doesn't know because he has never been to a counselor before.

He is 33 years old, I am 27, and he feels so unsure about things. He told me he doesn't know if he will ever be able to make a decision and he feels that is so unfair to me. He kept telling me how much he loved me but he thinks this is the only way. I basically had to make him leave my house last night because he kept hugging and trying to kiss me. I feel so hurt and empty. The hardest thing about this is that I know he loves me as much as I love him and I know he didn't really want to break up. I have never seen him this upset before. He just cried and cried.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like my world has crashed down around me. I love this man with my whole heart and sole and Its tearing me up to know that he is giving up on us. I want so baddly for him to agree to go to a counselor but I know he has to make that decision himself. I feel like even if we go talk to someone and it still results in a breakup that at least I know I tried my hardest. This whole thing just doesn't feel real or even final for that matter. My heart hurts so bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 2:52pm

One of my guy friends was complaining to me how he is always upfront with every girl he dates about not wanting kids and the woman will date him knowing that, but thinking in the back of their mind that they will eventually be able to change his mind. He dated one girl for 4 years, another for 5 and both ended b/c the girl finally figured out that what my guy friend told them at the very beginning was in fact true! Imagine that! Every girl thinks that she's special and she'll be the one to make the guy change, whether it be marriage or kids. Now, if having kids was something you knew you wanted for sure, why did you get involved with a man who clearly stated he did not want kids? Were you thinking you could change his mind? Or did you think you didn't really want to have kids either, but have recently changed your mind?

In either case, you now have two choices: tell him you'd rather be with him than have kids (and mean it!) or find someone who wants to be a father one day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 11:21pm

Welcome back Jfur5 ~ Of course I recognized you as soon as I peeked in on the board. I won’t be able to get to your post for a bit yet, but I wanted to provide the links to your previous post as soon as I could so that others who might be able to get to your post before I do can get a better feel for your situation and history, and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.

You might read through your old posts too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:


He isn't sure he wants children







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:24am

For once, I disagree with the thought of counselling. He seems to be fairly clear about what he wants. That is, no kids for now....and he doesn't know what the future holds. I don't think a counsellor will help him. I suspect that you're hoping that a counseller will help him to make up his mind one way or the other - but he appears to not be in the mindspace to do this.....and counselling cannot change this.

If you can live without having kids, then stay with him. But if you truly want children, you will have to find a man who knows he wants them with you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:43am

Ah, Jfur5, I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. I know how hard this is, how wrong it feels and how upside down your world feels, this all just happened, it's very normal to feel those things at this stage. I know that doesn't help.


For what it's worth, you said many things that indicate he's not good husband or father material. Firstly is that at the age of 33 he's still very much on the negative side of fatherhood. He's not an indecisive kid anymore, he's an adult who knows his mind. Now he says he's not sure, but you know he's been leaning more towards the "no" side. As someone who's very much a mature adult (or should be by now) that's very indicative that he's not going to sway the other way. He says he doesn't want to be tied down and has assumedly a decent example of a healthy marriage with children from his sister. Witnessing that hasn't made him more prone to want kids and marriage, it's made him less so. He had bad examples of parenting as a child, and therefore learned bad parenting and partner skills. That's pretty serious. He won't go to a therapist because he already knows what they'll tell him. That means if you were married and had problems, he wouldn't be amenable to seeking real help for them. That's not a good indicator of a good partner or a healthy marriage. Sweetie, I know you love him and you don't want this to be happening, but I think he knows that he's never going to be what you want and need in a partner.


Please realize, and I know you do, that the reason all your attempts to understand don't work because you can't get where he's coming from, what you want and need is so totally different than his wants and needs it's foreign to you. And you haven't been able to resolve anything because this isn't an issue that can be resolved. One of you very definitely wants one thing in their lives and the other doesn't. There is no compromise in children. Either you have them or you don't. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this, and I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. I'm sure it's an incredible shock too as it doesn't sound like you foresaw it coming, though my guess is he did. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your relationship and try to believe that as hard as it is on both of you, his decision was the right one for both of you. You deserve someone who does want children and that's not him. He deserves someone who doesn't want children, and perhaps someone who doesn't want marriage, and that's not you. The longer you stay together, the harder it would have been to break up. Huge hugs, Jfur5, I know it doesn't feel like it, but you'll get through this. It will ease and you will be okay. Keep checking back in to let us know how you're doing, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"