We don't know how to communicate
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| Tue, 10-04-2005 - 9:26pm |
I just don't know where to start...
First some facts....
I live with my bf of three years in his home that he owned when we met with my two children, one teen, one 9 year old.
We have issues. We have communication issues. We rarely fight but when we do, oh boy. Most of our fights are just conversations gone bad and honestly I feel our fights esculate into huge fights b/c of the things he says during the fights. VERY mean hurtful things. Things I have a very hard time getting over afterwards even though he says he is sorry, didn't mean them and usually buys me flowers, cards and smoothers me in affection to make up for the horrible things he said.
Example: Well, for one he always uses my kids as a weapon, tells me how I make them miserable, they dread when I come home, they are afraid of me, etc. For me, these words hit like a fist and he knows it b/c I adore my kids and have always put them first, do without so they can have, etc. I have raised them alone for almost their whole life and they are great kids. Both honor role, polite, friendly, invlolved in sports, club, church, friends, etc. This past arguement he said "you love to make everyone miserable, me, your kids, your exhusband, his girlfriend, your family, EVERYONE in your life you love to make them miserable. ... I haven't spoke to my ex in a year and I have not spoke to his girlfriend in over two years, so where does he come up with this stuff? Part of me says he is just fighting dirty and trying to hurt you and knows just how to do it and the other part of me says why in the world would someone who cares about me want to hurt me that way and if they do why do I want to be with them?
Which is how I am feeling right now... questioning my relationship with a man who verbally abuses me, although it is infrequent, it is verbal abuse.
So my problem is, we can not communicate. We never have. He has no idea how to and neither do I. If I say, "I need to talk to you", he hears, "I need to get in a big fight with you". I know I have trouble communicating and being with someone who can not either is trouble!!!
How do I learn how to communicate at this stage in my life? I have been on my own since I was 18, (out of my parents house, not a close family so the only people I rely on is myself and a few goods friends I have been frineds with for many, many years. I basiclaly have no family, so I see them as family and they have told me I am like family. I was married to my high school sweet heart for 18 years, divorced now, but looking back, we were never REALLY close. I didn't feel he was my soulmate. That I could confide in him with all my deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, etc. We were just roommates who had children together. We got along fine, but something deeper was missing and when I would try to talk to him, really talk about my feelings, he would close up too. Do I just pick guys who can't communicate or is it me or both? But then again, I have only been with my husbands for 18 years and this guy for 3, so I have nothing to base a relationship on. I have no idea what is normal.
I am so confused.

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::How do I learn and practice the art of communicating without the actually being in the heat of the moment? Can you learn this from a book?
It's about training yourself. Practice two things regularly - Count to 10 in your head any time anyone says anything to you before you respond. If you do it with all things, not just the harsh things said, you will train yourself faster. Then when it is something harsh, count to 10, then ask the person to repeat themselves. Then mirror it back - or deflect it - from the book I recommended. It gives lots of examples. The other thing you can say (again practice it) is - I'm sorry before I respond I need time to think about it, can we discuss it in 10 minutes (or 20 or 30 - whatever you need). Then use those 10 minutes, to rant and rave on paper. Get it all out. Clear your head so to speak, so then you can have a conversation and bring up valid points on where the other person is off track or so you can politely say: when you said X I felt attacked - without being angry and upset.
It just takes practice.
Carrie
Hi 2nd life (and anyone else who is reading this☺
Well, I have given a lot of thought to all of your comments and I thank you all for them. I have checked into the counseling at my school and although they can not offer anything long term or even more than one or two sessions, I am going to go tomorrow.
I agree that the things bf says to me are completely unacceptable and must stop, but at this point, I am seriously considering leaving this relationship. It is a tough decision b/c I have children that live with us full time. My children’s father lives far away and they rarely see him, so they have gotten close to my bf and ending the relationship would also end their relationship with him and that makes me sad, he’s not all bad. Well, I shouldn’t say “end”, I will stay in this town and I wouldn’t forbid them to see him, but it will change it.
Anyway, I was writing an email to one of my friends and I thought about posting it here just to get some feedback. It’s long, sorry, but it was already written so I figured what the heck. So here it is…. Well modified and the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
My story:
One day bf and I are talking and he is telling me about our friend who has just moved in with his girlfriend into her house and our friend rented his home for $1800. per month. Our house is in the same town, same size, so bf and I were talking hypothetically on how that would be cool if we could do that b/c the mortgage is only $750. Only problem, where would we live?
Two weeks later, an older couple I do work for asked me if bf, my kids and I would be interested in house-sitting for their house while they are away for two months and then when they get back, they will live in their condo and they are going to sell the house we are in, but we are welcome to stay until it sells free of charge, we just have to pay for utilities. This sounds appealing to me. Their home is about 3,000sq ft, on 5 acres. So I wait until the time is right to bring it up to my b/f. We are out to lunch, so I wait until we are both done eating and say "I need to talk to you about something.", the restaurant is EMPTY, there is no one else in there except us, so I tell him the idea.
Well, he jumps up and says "let’s talk about this while we are driving". I said “no I don't want to talk about this while you are driving, I don't have your undivided attention”, so he reluctantly sits back down. I talk a little more and he finally just gets up and says “come on, let’s talk while we’re driving”. And pretty much heads for the door and says he can think better while he's driving. Fine I TRY to keep telling him about the situation, he pulls over for gas and I'm trying to talk to him. What few questions he asked were all negative. Finally he says well let me think about it and we'll talk later. Fine, I've had time to think, he can think. He never says another word about it all day, next day nothing, the next day, Monday, he calls me first thing in the morning from work and says "I thought about what you said and I don't want to do it. I just got into a new routine and I don't want to change it". (We live in Alabama, near the Mississippi boarder down on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico, so his routine has just been shot to h***. He used to work in New Orleans every Mon and Friday, and Biloxi, Mississippi every Tues, wed and Thurs, but not anymore, So his “new routine” is that he has no routine. So that excuse kind of bothered me right away, besides the fact that we were home all day on Sunday and he never mentioned it until Mon, from work where he is safe on his cell phone and can end and avoid the conversation when he wants. He continues with, “maybe if it was for a year, but I don’t want to move for two months”. Again, this is why I wanted to discuss it together, face to face, so I said, “well, it would be longer than two months, they will be gone From Oct 1 until Dec 1 and then they’re listing it Jan 1 so even if it sold immediately, it would still take at least 30 days to close so that’s four months right there of living basically rent free”. Then he said,” well I haven’t even seen the house”. Yes, he has. It’s eight houses away from ours, we have driven by together and I’ve shown it to him prior to this. He hasn’t seen the inside, but from the outside it is a beautiful house, well kept yard, pond, etc. Now he’s just making up stupid excuses which are bothering me and I’m also bothered that I wanted to discuss this with him. I TREID to discuss this with him. He said he wanted to think about, and did, but instead of discussing it together, he just decided alone, no. Then he says, besides, we’ll be having our roof redone and we’ll have all these roofers banging around”. I said, “Yeah, all the more reason to not be here”. Now he’s really making up stupid reasons. That one wasn’t even rational. Then I said, “so the thought of living rent free and making money off renting this house and getting ahead on some of our bills doesn’t interest you”? He paused a very, very long pause, which means now he’s annoyed. Finally he says in a stern voice "here comes my boss, I gotta go. We’ll talk about it when I get home. Bye”. End of discussion. Well, that afternoon, I was at their house and I saw him drive by. He NEVER goes that way home from work. He was just checking it out on his own which I thought was strange; if he has no interest in doing this why was he checking it out? He stopped when he saw me and said hi but he knew he was busted. There is no other reason for him to go that way. Later, that night, neither of us brought it up. I didn’t bother bringing it up b/c I just knew he had made up his mind so there was basically nothing to discuss. I’m sure he didn’t bring it up b/c he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about in the restaurant, the car, later, the next day or the next and that’s why he waited until he was “safe” at work to bring it up so he can get out of talking about it. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was annoyed. Not because we weren’t going to do this but because we can’t communicate. I couldn’t even get 5 minutes of his time in the restaurant; he would give me his undivided attention, and then just shot the whole thing down without even discussing it with me. And this isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened. So what do I do? I don’t talk. He’s just acting like nothing has even occurred, which is bothering me too, so I just don’t talk. I would say a few things here and there, dinners ready”, etc but not much else. That was Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, he is out of town for work. He usually calls me everyday at 6am and we talk for at least a half an hour while I have my coffee. Well, Tuesday, he called and just said “hey, just making sure you’re up. I’ll talk to you later, ok? Bye” and hangs up. OK. Next day, he called while he knows I’m at school. Thursday, when he got back, I had left him a long note, explaining my feelings and how I feel like we are not a couple, we’re just roommates who have sex, how we have communication issues, etc. I have school all day Thur, until 10pm so he is already asleep when I get home, but when I got home, I thought, for once I will break the ice. He’s a hard sleeper, so I crawled in bed naked (sure sign for sex, I always sleep in pj’s) we cuddle, kiss, hug, etc for a long time and then have incredible sex. I was pretty proud of my self b/c usually I can hold a grudge forever and usually he breaks the ice some how when we fight, for once I did it. Next morning he kisses me goodbye and he is going to run in a 5K but I couldn’t go with him. I was waiting for him to call me when it was done to tell me his time, as this is only his second race, first was three weeks prior and he was trying hard to beat his score. I was in and out all day and I kept checking the messages but there were none and I don’t have a cell phone. I knew he didn’t have his phone on him while running so I didn’t bother to call him. By about noon, I realized he wasn’t going to call me. Yes, I could have called him, but like I said I knew he didn’t have his phone on him while running and he had an hour ride home, he’ll call when he gets back in the car. Well, he never called and he never came home either. Finally, I got feed up and I went out with a girlfriend and got home at 1am. I know I shouldn’t have but I woke him up and asked him where he was all day. That started the fight when he said all the mean stuff. The kids were NOT home, otherwise I would have never woke him. He said he didn’t call or come home b/c he was still mad at me for the week before…… he wasn’t too mad to have sex with me for an hour the night before though, huh?
Well, there’s more but I’ll stop here. 2nd life, you are an amazing woman if you can keep track of all these stories and posts and have a life of your own!!!
Anyway, these are the events that lead up the fight which lead to my first post, which was really supposed to be about our lack of communication, but has opened my eyes to so many things that I am seriously considering ending this 4 year relationship.
Anyway, thanks for listening and again I do appreciate any and all comments and thoughts. Oh I did try to go to the library today to get the books recommended, but they don’t open until 1pm on Wednesdays and I was way too early, but I’m working on it!! Thanks!!
What's your boyfriend's usual way of thinking about an issue? What's conducive to good thinking for one is distracting and counterproductive to another; is driving, or doing some other activity while he processes typical for him or do you think he was just actively avoiding the issue?
I'm glad you're hooking up with counseling at school, even if it is just two sessions, it may be all you need to get off the ground. Itwinflame gave you some great suggestions and, like this time, she often has great book suggestions. I'm glad you thought her suggestions were great too. I'll be checking back for your response. BTW -- glad that you and your kids weathered the hurricane's okay.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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