We got problems. . . any advice?
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| Sun, 11-06-2005 - 1:26am |
I don't know where to start. I dated my EX/FOB/SO way back in high school on and off for a few years. We broke up and about 2 years ago he and his ex broke up. We found each other and started the dating thing but him having a child was a little much for me. However I got pregnant and now we have a child.
After our son was born I was strictly all about us just co-parenting together. Things were going well and then he started getting feelings for me. Well after spending so much time together - I start to get some feelings too but I tried to hide them.
Now here we are 9 months later. We've been arguing so much lately. His hours at work changed and he works more nights. We both have classes for college. He gets his DD every other weekend. So things are busy. I know we aren't going to see each other every day. But I wish we could get a couple of good quality time hours in every week. He always seems to have other things to do when he has time off at night instead of spending it with me. I feel like he never makes time for me. He just tells me he's got things to do, he's too busy and I need to understand that.
Our communication is terrible sometimes. One thng can start an argument and the only way we can ever 'talk' things out is via email. And on top of it I sometimes wonder if he understands what I am saying (and I'm sure he must think the same).
How do we improve our communication. I don't know what will happen to us as a couple and I hope that we will work things out. But if (there's always an 'if' isn't there?) things don't work out - I still want us to improve our communication for the sake of our son.
How can we learn to try to understand the other person and work to compromise? I feel like I understand a little of how we are supposed to make things better but then I fail miserably at trying to do it.
I hope this all made sense! TIA!














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Jen & marcymay -
Thanks for your advice too! I can understand what you mean about the extra hours. He does work alot of hours and maybe I've been out of retail so long I don't appreciate my 9-5 of something.
"So basically (and correct me if I am wrong) - we need to sit down and talk about what we each want from everyday life to the relationship as a whole and determine if it is the same or not - right? " No one here is presuming to tell you what is absolutely going on with your relationship. We're pointing out what we see based on what you're telling us. Whether you decide to take any action or not, whether that be something we suggest or something completely different is up to you, based on what you think and what you want. You've said you were dissatisfied with the time he spent with you, he's vague about what keeps him busy so that he can't see you. I personally would want to know what it was that was keeping him so busy at home; if it's legit, I could understand, if it's not, I would read that to mean my importance was pretty low on the scale, and that message would tell me all I needed to know. If it were me, even if he's legitimately busy, he should want to figure out some regular time to see you. He's certainly able to do that for bowling. And if he's not interested or willing to do that, then I know how important the relationship is to him and I'd make my decision on what I chose to do (stay or go) based on how his expectations and wants for our relationship matched up to mine. If he wants a toned down, more occasional relationship, there's nothing wrong with that, it might mean that we're not going to work out because I may want a more committed relationship; neither of us is right or wrong, just not wanting the same thing. If he's saying he wants a relationship with you, his actions should match his words.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Daisygirl,
I could be out in left field and if that is the case forgive me.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Hi 2nd_life -
I absolutely agree - his actions should match his words. And for me to be happy with whatever the outcome of this - I plan to let him know how I feel about all of this in addition to letting him know that he needs to try to find sometime for us as well as finding out what 'other things' he has to do to find out if they are legit or just 'other things' to avoid spending time with me.
Hi Di -
The first part of how you see things is correct. When I got pregnant I was actually thinking about ending things for one reason and that was I wasn't ready to date someone with a child. He wanted things to work and I was slowly distancing myself from him but by the time I was ready to walk away I was pregnant.
The whole idea that I wanted to just leave things as us being parents together and that's it - that was my thought that I had learned to accept while I was pregnant. After our son was born I sat down and told him how the situation would work for us. And it was left as we'll be parents together and do the best we can to provide our son with the best could do together, I filed for child support and we planned to keep visitation out of court if possible.
He is the one who started to rekindle the feelings first and I actually am the one who doesn't communicate as well and tried to avoid the whole thing. And I am actually the culprit of most of the arguing (sorry if I implied that he argues most times). He actually does not like to argue and will wait for me to collect my thoughts and not argue. I am not the best at communication in the aspect that I do not like to share my feelings and what I am thinking and he doesn't communicate in the aspect that when things go wrong - he doesn't like to deal with them.
The whole I'm not a priority - you hit that one on the head - I completely feel that way.
So with all everyone here has said - I'm making it my priority to let him know how I feel, tell him he needs to show me (not just tell me) that he wants to be with me and make me a part of his life he is committed to just as his other commitments. Which way does it go from here after that depends on his actions. You all are awesome! Thanks for taking the time to respond to me :)
Good for you! Let us know how it goes!
(for what it's worth, I never got the impression that he like to argue or that he instigated them.)
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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