We had another fight
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| Mon, 08-14-2006 - 4:36pm |
My hubby and I were doing good for the last several weeks. Eventhough he doesn't kiss me before he goes to work, or call to check in daily or even call on his way home, we were doing good. Like I mentioned in my last thread "Would this help", he even pulled me close to him and he gave me a hug and kiss as we were golfing. But then today when I called to check in our conversation went like this:
Me: Hi, just wanted to check in and say Hi
Hubby: Hi. Its been kind of hectic.
Me: Ok, let me call you back later
Hubby: No, its ok. What's up?
Me: Just wanted to say hi and see how your day is going?
Hubby: Hectic. Hey, can you do me a favor. Its my turn to buy coffee, can you go to the store and get some?
Me: Sure
Hubby: By the way, my friend called and asked if I could go golfing and play 9 holes. Would that be ok?
Me: Yea, I guess (disappointed tone)
Hubby: Well, he needs someone to go golfing with him just in case his back starts to give out (his friend had back surgery to relieve a disc problem)
Me: Well, I guess I was hoping we could go golfing because we are doing good these last few weeks.
Hubby: You can go with us?
Me: No, its alright you go (thinking my hubby just felt obligated to ask me to go golfing)
Hubby: Well, that doesn't sound very convincing
Me: I don't know how you want me to sound convincing. I said its alright. Just go
Hubby: Ok
Me: Now, you don't sound very convincing
Hubby: No, I don't
Me: Why?
Hubby: Something is just bothering me
Me: What?
Hubby: Just something
Me: Well, that's unfair. You tell me something is bothering you but you won't tell me. Then you shouldn't tell me something is bothering you. That's like telling a kid to go to the candy store but the kid can't buy any candy.
Hubby: I just don't want to get into a fight.
Me: Well, telling me somthing is bothering you doesn't help either
Hubby: If I tell you, then you are going to be in denial, then I'm going to be in denial and then we will end up in a fight.
Me: What is it
Hubby: Now I'm going to feel like I have to pick between spending time with my friends or you.
Me: I was not trying to make you feel you have to choose. I would never do that
Hubby: But its done. Now, I feel like I have to
Me: So you mean in the future if you want to spend time with the guys playing poker, you will have to think twice?
Hubby: Yes. Because I feel now I have to think twice
***By this time we both are getting angry and upset. Me getting upset because I didn't want to have him be put in this position. And him getting upset because he probably feels now he has to think twice in spending time with friends.
Hubby: Hang on for a sec. (he's talking with one of his employee). Sorry about that.
Me: Not trying to change the subject. ***This is where I talk about calling his parents about taking care of their dog.
Hubby: Ok, let me call them and see if one of us should take care of their dog.
Me: Sorry, I had to change the subject. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been selfish and now putting you in a spot to where you will have to think twice when you want to spend time with your friends. I was being selfish and I should have made you feel this way. I'm sorry
Hubby: Its alright
Me: No, its not alright. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't be selfish.
Hubby: Its alright. I have to go because its getting really busy (one of his employee is trying to talk to my hubby)
Me: Ok. Bye
Hubby: Bye
Now, I realized I was being selfish and I told him I was. But he's probably still upset and I am too. I just don't know what to do and we were doing so good. I "tried" correcting this problem but it was already too late. During our conversation I told him I'm trying to correct the problem, but he said "Well, now that I made you feel like crap, I'm going to correct it"? He said its too late because he already feels like crap.
How can I make it better. I'm thinking about not being home when he gets home because I don't know how to deal with it since it was really my selfishness that put him in this position. I tried apologizing and I even told him that it was me that made him feel this way, but now it ended up with us having another fight and we were both starting to come around being nice to one another. Now I feel like the whole "stupid" process has to start all over again.

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Casey,
Now I think you are both trying to hard not to step on each others toes.
This doesn't sound like a big fight to me, it just sounds like normal couple life at times.
If I wanted to golf with him, and he asked I would have said "ok, I'd love to go with you two". If you sounded all sad, and like you really did mind him going, even though your words were telling him to go, didn't you think he'd feel put on the spot to choose either you or his friend?
I don't think you were being selfish by wanting to go with him, but your words and your tone of voice said two different things so it was confusing to him.
Since it doesn't sound like some big blow out, don't turn it into one now. Be there when he gets home, don't mention the argument at all, don't stress all day/evening over whether he's mad. Simply give him that kiss when he walks in the door, ask him (in a cheerful tone) if they had a good game, and then let that be the end of it.
Just to clarify one thing. Althought it was my "selfishness" that attribute to probably our fight, however, I think what really got to me was when my hubby stated "I didn't think you wanted to golf, especially since we golfed yesterday". He already "assumed" that I didn't want to golf. I stated to him "We both golf alot, therefore what made you think I wouldn't want to golf?" I still take most of the blame, but I have to admit, when he said that, it really bothered me.
Anyways, I already texted him saying "I'm sorry for being selfish and not taking in to account your feelings. I know there will be plenty of times that you and I will golf in our marriage. Please have a good time and tell your friend I said "hello and be careful with his back. I'll see you when you get home. I love you."
casey0201,
In the grand sceem of things does it really matter enough to start another issue between your husband and you that he assumed you didn't want to golf??
Defleppardgal
Casey, I agree with deflappardgal. Making assumptions is a part of married life. And the better we get to know someone, the more accurate our assumptions can become.
But that's not to say we never assume incorrectly.
For example, for a while there my DH assumed that if I said I was tired, it meant that I wasn't in the mood for sex. But I'm a mum, and heaven knows....I'm tired EVERY DAY! After a while having no sex we figured out our misunderstanding and I had to explain that he should only assume I'm too tired for sex if I pack myself off to bed at 9:30. He still gets it wrong from time to time, but that's OK.
Likewise, I can make wrong assumptions about how he's feeling too. It's just a matter of correcting the assumption and moving on.
This is actually a pretty good fight. Every marriage has disagreements and misunderstandings, and yours will have its share, as well. The important things are:
1. You didn't let it escalate (no yelling or questions about divorce).
2. You kept it short.
3. You were (mostly) clear about what you were feeling.
Some things you might want to think about for next time:
1. Try not to be so worried about tone of voice ("That doesn't sound very convincing"--yes, I know he started it, but pouncing on vocal nuances is a form of nitpicking) and respond positively to what is said.
2. Avoid labeling your behavior negatively ("I was selfish" as opposed to "I was disappointed, but I'm over it now.")
I think the two of you can feel very proud of yourselves for having had, and quickly resolved, a minor misunderstanding. Great work!
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You know, I must be more naive than I thought. Why is it that you thought this was a "normal" fight compared to the fight my hubby and I had several weeks ago? I mean, both of them were fights...so what's the difference? Maybe I just don't get it.
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I'm not purposely trying to start another fight. I don't wake up in the morning and say "ok, this is a day I'm going to pick a fight with my hubby because we haven't fought in 2 days.
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I don't appreciate him "assuming" I didn't want to golf. I think I'm capable of making a decision.
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I don't feel I did "assume" we would "always" go golfing. It just caught me off-guard. Usually when we do stuff with friends, we always tell each other several days in advance about the outing, therefore, it caught me off guard when he wanted to golf on the same day he told me. If my hubby would have told me "hey if we don't have plans on such and such day my friend and I would like to go golfing, then I would not have a problem with it. And don't read into it that I have a problem with him doing stuff with a friend on the "same" day that he wants to to stuff with a friend, that's not what I'm trying to say...it just caught me off-guard thats all.
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Well, I guess sometimes it can be a big deal. You do know what assumption means...it means an "ass" out of you and me. I don't like to "assume" something, that's why you communicate...well, at least that's what I've been taught...maybe I'm wrong.
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You are correct, I should have bitten my tongue but like I mentioned above, it did catch me off guard. I did make it up to me (I think) by meeting him when he drove in the garage. I had his shorts, hat and a bottle of water and told him to have a nice time. He seemed to appreciate it.
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You are right, however, because of all the arguements that we've had so far, its hard not to think this way.
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But that's not to say we never assume incorrectly.>>
I'm not sure I agree with this about the assuming part. I feel you shouldn't have to "assume" anything because that's why you should "communicate". Probably easier said than done.
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How can you guys tell this was just a "normal" fight compared to the fight we had several weeks ago? I want to understand, but I just don't right now.
Casey,
I don't think we are trying to say this was a small fight compared to your last fight. I think what we are all trying to say is that him wanting to golf with a friend is not worth fighting over. It's a small issue so try and use what you've learned and keep it a small issue. Your last fight was also a small issue, and between the two of you, you took something trivial and made it big. People assume things sometimes. It wasn't a deliberate attempt by your husband to try and hurt your feelings. It was him being human. Perhaps you are one who can never ever assume anything about anybody, but I think for most of us, it's just human nature. I assume when it's suppertime that my DH will be hungry and eat what I cook, etc. Some assumptions are just normal everday stuff. You have a trival issue between you two. You can take it and make it big and then it will be just like the last fight, or you can keep it a trivial issue. It's up to you.
>>I'm not sure I agree with this about the assuming part. I feel you shouldn't have to "assume" anything because that's why you should "communicate". Probably easier said than done.<<
Yes, it is easier said than done. In reality, it's impossible to communicate before every single decision gets made.
Sometimes, we get put on the spot and have to make an educated guess as to whether or not our decision will suit our partner. It's simply not feasable speak to our partner before making every single decision that needs to be made.
I know that if I get an invitation out with the girls, I like to be able to make my own decision on the spot rather than saying "I just have to check with my husband". I have to make an educated guess (assumption) about whether or not he can look after the kids that evening. Now, I know that he plays soccer on Tuesday nights - so I wouldn't say "yes" for that night - but I would assume that he's OK with other nights provided that I haven't been abandoning them frequently of late.
But the thing with educated guesses is that sometimes we get it wrong. My DH will sometimes make an educated guess about what I want and get it wrong and vice verca. But we simply communicate after the fact and make sure the partner understands why they got it wrong.
It's all part of learning about each other.
You say that you don't like to assume, but I bet you do it as often as anyone else. Let my give some examples from my own life:
I go shopping and buy ham for DH's sandwich because I ASSUME he'd like some
If I've bought lots of ham recently, I buy turkey because I ASSUME he'd like a break.
If some mutual friends invite us out, I say yes because I ASSUME he'd like to see them.
The kids may give him some new golf balls for father's day because I ASSUME some of his balls have gotten lost in the rough.
Come to think of it, ALL of our gifts are based on assumations of what the other party wants.
We all make assumptions in marriage. It's normal. The only abnormal part is not learning from wrong assumptions.
Edited 8/16/2006 6:28 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
>>How can you guys tell this was just a "normal" fight compared to the fight we had several weeks ago? I want to understand, but I just don't right now.<<
"Normal" fights are resolved quickly and simply. They don't have raised voices and nobody feels compelled to raise the issue if divorce. Just as you've described in this situation.
Have a look at the difference between this fight and the golf club one. They're poles apart.
About the only thing I would have advised you to do differently this time round is apologise less. One apology is quite sufficient. During the time you kept apologising, the fight was unable to end. Even if his acceptance of your apology didn't sound sincere, it was still time for you to let it go at that point.
Edited 8/16/2006 9:44 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
case0201,
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I'm not purposely trying to start another fight. I don't wake up in the morning and say "ok, this is a day I'm going to pick a fight with my hubby because we haven't fought in 2 days.
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I don't appreciate him "assuming" I didn't want to golf. I think I'm capable of making a decision.
By taking the "I don't appreciate" stance you basically are purposely trying to start another fight.
Defleppardgal
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