We had the talk
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We had the talk
| Thu, 02-09-2006 - 10:51am |
Okay, so first off thank you so much to everyone who offered help to me.
And I just wanted to let you know that we had the talk.
He still has not said when he thinks he will be ready to get married, which I am okay with. We did make a huge decision though. When our roomates leave in a few months, he and I will no longer live together unless we are comitted. My daughter called him Daddy all weekend long and it drove the point home for me that we needed to do something for her sake. I presented him two options, living together and dealing with whatever happens with my daughter, or not living together unless we are committed to each other. He chose the latter, so that's what we're doing.
I feel like it is the right choice, but I am still hurt that he's not in the same place that I am. But I can deal with that.
I just wanted to keep everyone up to date.
Thank you again!
And I just wanted to let you know that we had the talk.
He still has not said when he thinks he will be ready to get married, which I am okay with. We did make a huge decision though. When our roomates leave in a few months, he and I will no longer live together unless we are comitted. My daughter called him Daddy all weekend long and it drove the point home for me that we needed to do something for her sake. I presented him two options, living together and dealing with whatever happens with my daughter, or not living together unless we are committed to each other. He chose the latter, so that's what we're doing.
I feel like it is the right choice, but I am still hurt that he's not in the same place that I am. But I can deal with that.
I just wanted to keep everyone up to date.
Thank you again!

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For those who aren't familiar with Laylam's situation, her previous post can be found here:
Marriage Timeline Question
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Laylam, I'm glad you came back to update us on what's going on with you.
I'm not clear, when you were here before he was able to say he wasn't ready for marriage, what he wasn't able to answer for you was whether he felt he'd ever want to be married. Has that changed?
I'm sorry this hasn't gone as you'd hoped it would; it hurts when someone you care about isn't in the same place you are.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway and I really hope you give it some serious thought. Your boyfriend did make the right choice for your daughter's sake. I have to say that continuing to live together and dealing with whatever happens to her is very harmful to her. Believe me when I tell you the damage of a child who's allowed to get very close to someone who ends up leaving the picture is very damaging; not just for her now, but to her whole life. I say that having done it to my own children and seeing the pain they go through and the damage it does. I would really urge you to consider the damage allowing her to get so close to a man who may not stay in her life can be. She's let you know just how much she's let him into her life by calling him "daddy", losing him will be devastating for her. Prepare yourself for that and do what you can to learn how to best lessen the damage to her if that should happen.
I know this is gloom and doom and it's not what you want to hear, but it sounds like he's pretty clear on not wanting what you want; his words have told you that and his choices are backing that up.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Originally his plan was to move in with friends, and I was fine with that, then he asked if he could move in with me and my roommates, and I stupidly assumed that it meant he was serious about us, and that it was a step towards something. But then quickly realized, that assuming gets you no where. I have been reading up on how to handle it with your kids when someone leaves, and am hoping that since she is only two I can ease some of the damage. But I fear this may not be possible, my parents divorced when I was six months old, and it still affects me and the way I handle relationships. So I am afraid that I have already allowed her to be hurt in a way that I promised I never would.
I talked to my Mom and she thinks we should break up, that if he's not ready to be committed to me, then I should end it. But she also thinks he needs major therapy, which clearly he does. His parents (mother in particular) did a number on him. But he won't admit that anything's wrong. And she thinks that I shouldn't waste time with someone who won't marry me. I think he's just afraid, this is the first serious relationship he's ever had. So I think he doesn't know what to do. Mom says to give him a two year timeline in my head, and then if at that time, he doesn't want to marry me to end it. Which seems like a good idea, but I can't imagine ending it. I'm hoping the time apart will make the hear grow fonder as they say, but he's so hard to read. And I know he says he's not sure about having kids of his own, but you should see his face light up when my daughter is around, he adores her. Plays with her all the time, and even does the hard stuff, putting her to bed, telling her no. It is so obvious to me how much he loves her, and then he says he's not ready to get married or have kids of his own. It doesn't make any sense at all.
Thank you so much for your help, it's nice to have someone to talk to about this. My brother says we're perfect for eachother, and that we should stick it out. My mom says we should end it. And I'm confused. I love him and want to spend my life with him, but not if he doesn't want to. I know this is long, sorry for the rambling, it's just nice to vent. Thanks for listening, I appreciate your help so very much!
My advice is not to live with him until AFTER the wedding. Many a young woman has been strung along for years with the promise of marriage. A lot of guys will even put a ring on her finger just to shut her up for awhile and to make her think that he has lifelong plans with her. Decades-long engagements and continuously postponed weddings have become an art form with a lot of bachelors.
My mother thinks we should end it, she loves him, but says that since he's not ready to give me what I need, and what my daughter needs, then I should move on. Or at least keep my options open. But I don't know.
I think I hear you saying that while your boyfriend says he doesn't want kids the fact that he cares very much for your daughter and is great with her makes you think he'll change his mind. I'm here to tell you there are plenty of guys out there who are great with kids, love kids but don't have any desire to have one of their own. I had a boyfriend who fits into that category very well. Never had any interest in having kids of his own, even though he was great with them and really enjoyed them. I know it doesn't make sense (I don't think it's the way women would think or feel in that situation at all, and that's what makes it hard for us to understand) but it's quite common. Don't let yourself be swayed by what you think rather than what he's saying; he's being very up front and honest with you. Believing what you want to think, when it's opposite of what he's telling you will only make it hurt worse when you find out our fantasy was only a fantasy and he meant what he said.
You think he needs major therapy? And you're wanting to marry a guy who needs major therapy but isn't interested in getting it? Have you really put thought into that and what the future with a guy who's in need of major therapy is like? Honestly, I'm concerned that you'd considering marriage, engagement or even a serious relationship with a guy who's in need of major therapy but is taking no steps to get it. Are you expecting/assuming that eventually he'll get it, or that the problems will just resolve themselves? Moving forward with a guy who's in need of major therapy isn't a wise or protective move to make for yourself or your daughter.
You've talked and he knows exactly where you stand. He knows what you want and need and that it's a "make or break" situation. it's pretty clear that understanding clearly what you need hasn't evoked any change in his thoughts on marriage (he's just gotten a little less adamant about telling you so, but what he doesn't say is as clear as what he did say before). The fact that he opted to move out rather than stay is pretty telling, especially when you suggested he stay; you gave him every opportunity to take the easy way, but he chose to stay true to how he really feels (no marriage). You want a relationship that will end in marriage. You have every reason to believe he won't change his mind, meanwhile, guys who may be right for you and ready for marriage may be passing right by your nose, but you won't see them because you're firmly tied to the guy who doesn't want marriage. Your mom says break up, your brother says stay with him, why not compromise? Tell your boyfriend that considering he's not interested in some of the fundamental things you need to be satisfied in life you'd like to continue to see him but date others as well. Of course, he's free to do the same. If he should come to a place where he wants marriage and children, great, if not, you're out there, meeting and dating others too. That allows you to continue seeing him but allows you the freedom to explore other options as well. However, if I were you, what I'd really do is tell him that until and unless he decides to deal with his issues with a therapist/counselor he's not someone I could consider as a partner, and since you also want marriage and children and he's not interested in either of those, the relationship - at this point - is not workable for you. I'd tell him that if/when he seeks therapy for his issues and comes to a point where he is interested in marriage and children he can get back in touch with me and, if I'm still available, I'd be more than happy to consider renewing a relationship with him.
I know it's not what you want, but you're talking about your life and the life of your child. Hanging onto a guy who's clearly telling you he does not have the same wants and goals that you do isn't going to make it any better or easier on you down the road. Hanging onto a guy like that who major issues that need to be addressed with a therapist is looking for a life of unhappiness, disappointment and disaster. Don't settle for less than what you want, if you do, you'll find out you settled for much less than you thought. Aim high, not lower than what you really want. He might be the best "right now", but he's not quite right and you know it. See:
Unmatched ambitions
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/11/2006 12:47 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
As far as therapy goes, I think he needs it, as does my brother. Just because there are alot of things that he doesn't really share. He tells us small short stories of things that his mother did to him, and then will say that she's horrible. He never talks to her, maybe once a month, but it tears him up to do it. I know at least once she told him he was a useless bastard. But he acted as though it was fine. I grew up with a verbally abusive stepfather, so I know how horrible it can be to hear things like that, but when my mother left him, we worked through it together, and I have gotten past it. But BF never talks about it and acts as though everything is fine, when clearly it isn't. That's why I think he needs therapy. I think he needs help working through these issues. But maybe he doesn't. Maybe he really is fine and I'm just making something out of nothing?
I've already come to grips with the facts that this may not work out the way I want, and it pisses me off a little bit. My Sperm Donor was abusive, I left found out later I was expecting, so I chose to keep him away from her. I was single for 2 years becuase I had decided that I wasn't going to put my child through seeing men come and go and all of that. So for two years I didn't go out on one date. Then when my friend started hanging out again, and flirting a little bit, I was happy. I had known him for a while, and always liked him, and he was wonderful. And now we've spent all this time together, and I'm right back where I started. So I waited for two years before I decided to date anyone, and I've got little to nothing to show for it. It kind of pisses me off a little you know? I know it's not really fair to be angry with him about the fact that I waited so long. But I waited until someone came along that I thought would actually be long term, and it still didn't work out. I know it isn't his fault, but it kind of irritates me.
Anyway, I'm trying to gather my thouhgts so I can talk to him about this stuff again. Hopefully I can get them all together and get some stuff acomplished this time.
Anyway, I just forgot to say that earlier, and wanted to ask about that too.
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