We had the talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
We had the talk
20
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 10:51am
Okay, so first off thank you so much to everyone who offered help to me.
And I just wanted to let you know that we had the talk.
He still has not said when he thinks he will be ready to get married, which I am okay with. We did make a huge decision though. When our roomates leave in a few months, he and I will no longer live together unless we are comitted. My daughter called him Daddy all weekend long and it drove the point home for me that we needed to do something for her sake. I presented him two options, living together and dealing with whatever happens with my daughter, or not living together unless we are committed to each other. He chose the latter, so that's what we're doing.
I feel like it is the right choice, but I am still hurt that he's not in the same place that I am. But I can deal with that.
I just wanted to keep everyone up to date.
Thank you again!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:04pm

Hugs to you LayLam...


But..until you make a decision and stick with it...you have what you have...."relationship limbo".


I will say it again....You are in love with a man who has relationship issues....period. Not just marriage, but relationship issues.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:29pm
Thank you for that. It's nice to have people to bounce ideas off of. People who are objective. My brother has known BF for awhile, and thinks we are perfect for eachother, my mom likes BF but is protective of me and my daughter. So I get two people who both want to help, but are not objective because they love and care about me.
I know he has relationship issues, which I have always said I would stear away from, but it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. Maybe because I was alone for so long, I'm having a harder time letting it go than I should. And if it was just me, I don't think it would be this hard, but worrying about my daughter is killing me.
I hate the limbo of it all, that's an excellent way to refer to it. And it seems like he doesn't really mind it. I know a lot of my friends think it's an age thing, but it's not like we're 16, we're grown ups now. So I don't think it's a big deal to want some form of timeline. Even if he said two years, at least I would know. My brother thinks seeing other people may be a bad idea, that it might end everything with BF, which I don't neccessarily want. So I don't know if I should bring it up, or just end it and see what happens. Any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:45pm

Okay but remember you asked.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:55pm
You are absolutely right of course. If I were on the outside of this, I would be saying the same thing. Hell, I've said it to myself. I appreciate your help, and I know you're right. I have to make the decision, and I already know what that is. I know what it has to be.
Thank you so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 1:05pm

Godspeed to you LayLam...


I know this isn't easy.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:03am

Laylam, you got absolutely incredible words from Dirextor today. I only wanted to comment on a couple of things you said. As far as not dating for two years because of your daughter, dating is perfectly okay, just don't involve your child. Don't let her meet guys until you're sure about the relationship and until you're sure it's going the direction you want to go. Until then, meet your dates elsewhere, have them come over only after your daughter has gone to a sitter, etc. You said, "I hate the limbo of it all, that's an excellent way to refer to it. And it seems like he doesn't really mind it." Laylam, of course he doesn't mind it, it's exactly what he wants -- a relationship with none of the responsibilities or future promises. You're the one who wants more, what you have now is exactly what he's looking for. If you want it to change, you have to be the one to make the change, why would he change what's exactly what he wants?


I know this is incredibly hard and not at all what you want to happen. It sucks when reality gets in the way.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 10:08am
So last night happened to be our anniversary as well as Valentine's Day. He sent me roses, and took me to dinner. I had a great time, but it's like he thought it fixed everything, and of course it didn't. I was happy that he did anything, but it wasn't enough. And then when we got home, all of the sudden he was in a weird mood. I think he wanted me to give it up, and I wouldn't. A- it was late and I have to get up early, and 2- I find it hard to be with someone when I don't feel particularly good about the relationship. I mean sex is an expression of how you feel for one another, and since I'm trapped in limbo, I don't feel like giving him any. He's never acted as though it were a problem, until last night. He seemed to be pouting a little. He says he knows it's becuase of all this relationship stuff, but then that's all he says. He doesn't ask why I'm upset, or if there's anything he can do. He just lets it go. If it were you, wouldn't you want to find out what was with your SO?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:24am

Not if it meant I had to have the same conversation with you all over again.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:39am
He doesn't need to ask what the problem is, he knows what it is.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:03pm
It isn't that I want to try and change his mind. I just think that he should at least care about why I'm not in a great mood. Last week he told me I seemed stressed. I said well yeah I'm a single working Mom, what's new. And he goes. oh okay. And left it alone. The least he could have done was ask why i was particularly stressed that day. But no, he ignored it and kept going on with what he was doing, which most definately was not helping me clean the house. That's an issue I have with all my roomates though, they never help. But I just thought that he should at least care that I was upset.
Two weeks ago, he turned down a job offer, made his decision and then when he was crying about it later, I listened to him and held him while he was upset, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I just would like the same from him. He can't change the way he feels, but he could at least acknowledge that I'm upset and try and comfort me.
We've been friends for awhile, maybe that's why it bothers me more, that he can't be a friend now.

Pages