Wedding postponed...DF not DF anymore?
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Wedding postponed...DF not DF anymore?
| Tue, 04-18-2006 - 11:08am |
I don't know what to do/think/keel right now, so I figured I'd post here...the subject line says it all - Df might not be a DF anymore....maybe an ex?


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Welcome to the board, ooJerseygirl23oo ~
I'm sorry for all the pain and confusion you're feeling, I know it's not easy.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Kristen,
I've also got a question for you so that my advice is appropriate.
you said: >>I asked him on Thursday night if I make him happy now because I thought that the past couple of weeks were good. He said no. He said that he still isn't happy and he's not entirely sure where his problems lie, but some definitely comefrom me.<<
Would you mind explaining this in detail? Do you know why he's been unhappy with you?
will check back later...
Sorry, I guess I forgot some of those details...
Hugs to you Jerseygirl.
Thanks for the extra info, it helps a lot.
First up, kudos to you for recognising your issues and seeking help. As you are already aware, it is a long slow road - but one which will make you a better person.
There's probably not much you can do about your relationship at this stage. Except for giving him some space. I understand your frustration at him seeming to give up AFTER you've gotten into counselling, but there would also be a lot of history that isn't easily forgotten by him....especially if it's only been a good couple of weeks. It may take him a YEAR of things being perfect before he becomes confident about your relationship again. Sometimes, we can get so wounded by a partner that it's hard to take the risk of going back for more.
I do have a suggestion for your own soul searching in this relationship though. Is your jealousy totally irrational - or does it have sound basis? I can fully understand your being jealous of his mates when he rarely sees you - then chooses them over you. Perhaps your jealousy is a clue that he's not really the man for you?
Edited 4/20/2006 4:41 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Hi,
This is your ironbutterfly. I'm never here to comfort you in what you want to hear, but to be as straight up to the point as I possible. I don't believe in wishing any bad on people, however the thing that stuck out to me the most, through your message was that he's not ready to get married. Yes it hurts and it hurts really bad but maybe he isn't as psyched about this marriage thing as you. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying he won't marry you, but that he doesn't want to now, and he also doesn't know how to tell you. My advice is to prepare now to hear it later. He still loves you and wants to be with you, but may not be ready to settle down, settle down just yet.
Thanks for the extra info, Kristen, it helps. I agree with you, I think he's saying the same thing, that he doesn't want to live like this, but he isn't sure he wants to end your relationship either.
Seeking help for your problems is huge, it's such a smart thing to do and says really great things about you; so many need to but avoid it. Really, I think we all need it at one time or another -- at least once, if not more.
If you can stand it, I have a couple more questions....
Thanks in advance for explaining ~ understanding what's gone on before and what happens to cause it to continue to be a problem will help a lot in understanding and in turn, will help us be able to offer specific suggestions that pertain to your specific situation.
BTW ~ if your explanation needs to be long, let it. Having your explanation in full is much better than trying to fill in the blanks; besides, it can be very therapeutic!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Wow, I sure seem to forget a lot of details, huh? :o)
I've been going to therapy since the beginning of February...it was probably long overdue, but that was the point at which I realized that if I didn't try *something* like that, well...I didn't know what would come next.
First, before I forget, I hope I can accurately rephrase a statement you made.... you said, "I really do want this to work, at least right now." How about changing that to, "I really want this to work, if it's the right thing".
Just from the outside looking in, I see some red flags in your fiance's proposal. Why would he propose at a time when you wanted distance, when there were clearly some serious problems? I can see suggesting you make an agreement to take some clear actions to work on the problems and issues, but suggesting an engagement with no plan to resolve problems? That seems like a recipe for disaster to me. Sure, it's sweet, romantic and all, but it has no substance in reality, you know?
Girls get a big dose of "not good enough". Have you ever read "Reviving Ophelia"? Interesting reading about girls, the messages we get, confidence and more. A long term boyfriend dropping out of your life can definitely leave you with some confusion and long term insecurity. It's hard to trust when you don't see anything that indicated the last one was going to bail.
You've been in therapy what, six weeks at the most? That's a little early to be expecting any changes that are obvious. Have you asked him what his expectations were? Maybe just asking him that honestly (not angrily) will get him to stop and think about it, and in doing so he'll realize his expectations were unrealistic.
His female friends and his myspace. What about the comments? What about them bothers you? You know, it's entirely possible that you're completely justified in being bothered by the things that bother you. Think about it, you're confused, or at least you don't trust your feelings when it comes to guys and what's acceptable behavior and what's not. If you react to situations and he insists that there's nothing wrong with what he's doing, that you're over reacting or ridiculous; maybe, just maybe, your feelings are right. I'm not saying "he's cheating", I'm saying that maybe what he's doing isn't appropriate for someone who's in a relationship -- or maybe it's not what's appropriate by your standards. You would be far from the first to doubt yourself and think you're overreacting because your guy insists that's the case. But, often (not always) when these girls explain what's going on, it's very clear that they are not overreacting or ridiculous. We don't side by women here and we don't side by men. We listen to situations and tell you what we think. If you're out of line, we're going to tell you. Same goes for him. I personally don't have any problems with having friends of the opposite sex, I have many guy friends myself. But, when you have platonic friends there are some things you have to do in order to make certain that there is no reason for concern or suspicion, you need to take steps to make certain it's clear the relationships are above board. For instance, first on the list is meeting these friends face to face. They have to know about you and you have to know about them. When you're going to see your friend, say you're meeting for lunch or something, your partner needs to know about it ahead of time. It doesn't have to be a big production, just "Jack and I are having lunch tomorrow" is good enough. Obviously, things aren't always planned and sometimes getting together happens spur of the moment. You should inform your partner of these get togethers as soon as possible after the fact. I don't mean you have to race to the phone to announce you've just been with Jim, but it should be the next time you see or talk to your partner. Your partner should be invited to go with you and your friend(s) often. Your partner should know they're always welcome to join you when you get together with your opposite sex friends, whether you've had a formal invitation or not. You should know if he's in contact with his friends too, I don't mean he should report every phone call or every email, to you, but you should be aware he's in contact. Does he tell you on occasion about conversations and get togethers with guy friends? Then he should be sharing the same kind of info with you about female friends. Those "rules", to me allow for basic understanding and disclosure and keep things open and honest, above question. Is he doing those things? If not, it's very likely not "you and your silly insecurity", it's him not handling the situation appropriately. Or, it may be that this is how he believes he should be able to handle his friendships, and if that's the case, you may decide that it's not something you're willing to deal with. I am about the most anti jealous/suspicious person you'll meet and I wouldn't blame you at all. All it takes is simple, common courtesy. If he's not willing to extend that, I wouldn't be at all secure or comfortable.
These friends who tell you to end it, etc. Are they friends whose opinions you generally trust and respect? Have you asked people whose opinions you respect for their honest thoughts about him and about your relationship? If these friends who are telling you to end it are generally trusted, wise friends, who have your best interest at heart, I think you'd be wrong not to listen to what they have to say; even if you don't like it.
Here's what you're really going to hate to hear, so cover your ears, lol! The truth is, Kristen, that police officers have an extremely high rate of affairs. Honestly, when someone says they're in a relationship with a cop or a cop-wannabe it's the first thing you should think of. I'm not saying they all do it, but I am saying the occupation has a critically high statistic rate of affairs. Their alcoholism, divorce and domestic abuse rates are through the roof too. Some of it has to do with the personality that's attracted to those kinds of positions and some of it has to do with the walling off, the secrecy that comes with those positions. As they experience more and more on the job that they can't or don't want to discuss at home (not pretty stories, either upset the wife or make her scared for their safety) they pull away and often end up seeking out someone else. Again, that doesn't mean your fiance is in that group, but it should be a very real realization. The fact that you're already concerned doesn't make this fact something you should avoid facing. Avoiding it won't make it an issue for the two of you. Facing it means you look at it now rather than avoid facing a possible problem.
I think backing off, taking some time is a smart thing. Give yourself time to work in therapy, like you know, it won't happen overnight. Give yourself a little credit and have a little faith in yourself. You have to be secure enough to be on your own without him and let him go off and do his thing too. Yes, I understand the only time you have to see each other is on the weekends, but if that's also the only time he has to relax period, wanting to spend that time away from you with friends is perfectly understandable and acceptable. You should be doing the same thing, living your life, sharing with your friends and filling your time with your life. Your boyfriend, your fiance, your husband... these are parts of your life, not your life. A healthy relationship looks like two bubbles that are touching, like the number eight; not overlapping or two bubbles that appear as one. Keeping yourself, your identity, is important. Having some space is healthy. It may be that what's "enough" space to one is not at all "enough" for another, if that's the case, they're not compatible in that area, but I think you have to give yourself some more time in therapy before you can being to cross those bridges.
I say try to look at this for what it is, a time to slow it down a notch, and take some time taking a long, relaxed look at it all. The pressure's off, put dates and "should have beens" out of your head. See this as a time to see what may or may not be right. No matter how bad you want this to work, if it's not right, jumping into it won't be a good thing. And if it's not right, it just means the right guy is still coming down the road. Don't put your marriage plans ahead of choosing the right guy. Grabbing a guy, deciding he's right, then going about trying to force him (or you) into the shape he has to be to be right doesn't work. Let it go, let it flow and see if it's right. If it is, it'll all happen anyway. If it's not, it's a lot easier to get out of than a marriage is. Divorce is not where you want to be.
After you've completed therapy (I so loved hearing my therapist say, "well... I think we're done!", ask him or her for a referral to a therapist who's certified in couples counseling. Sessions with a trained therapist (not the priest) to take a look at your compatibility, goals, styles, expectations, etc. would be a very wise thing.
I know you want this all now, I know you want it to work out, but what you really want is for it to be the right thing so you will always be happy. And that's not something you can hurry. Take the time to make sure it's really right, not just right for "right now".
Ha! And you thought you wrote a book!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I totally see what you were saying about his proposal - by far it was not the one I'd always dreamed of.
While his explanation could be true, it just as easily might not be true. And either way, it could very well send the wrong message to other girls who know he's engaged and then see it up there. I don't think you are out of line for not being happy about it. I do give him kudos for telling you though. Maybe you could try something like, "I appreciate you telling me about the myspace comments. However, I feel that it's inappropriate and might give someone the wrong idea about what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship we have. If this girl wants to make her BF jealous, please ask her to find another way and remove the comments."
Oh, and if it makes you uncomfortable I would think he'd be willing to slow things like that down while you're getting counseling....
Jen
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