Wedding postponed...DF not DF anymore?
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Wedding postponed...DF not DF anymore?
| Tue, 04-18-2006 - 11:08am |
I don't know what to do/think/keel right now, so I figured I'd post here...the subject line says it all - Df might not be a DF anymore....maybe an ex?


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Hey,
Before I start to go on myself, let me just suggest you reread 2nd life's post there's a LOT of really good advice in there. I know I couldn't take it all in in one read.
I want you to ask yourself some questions about this, "But then comes the fear of me wasting my time in this relationship. What if it is all for nothing?"
1) Could it ever be all for nothing? Wont you still be leaving the relationship knowing that you have issues with trust and insecurity AND actually having started to work on those things? I don't know, sounds to me like that's a pretty significant SOMETHING to come out of an experience with.
2) Is any romantic relationship that doesn't end in marriage for nothing? Do you gain nothing in value from your experiences in a relationship unless it leads to wedding vows?
3) What can you learn about YOURSELF from all of this even if things don't work out? Doesn't that have value?
And I have a couple of questions for you about this, "(I) just don't understand why he's not willing to sacrifice this for me..."
1) Do you think it is healthy to make sacrafices for a person you love? Do you think it would be okay for him to tell you to stop being friends with someoone?
Now I'm not saying his behavior is appropriate, because I don't think it is. But it is still an important question to ask yourself becasue it says a lot about your beliefs about what is and isn't healthy in a loving relationship.
My personal opinion is that it IS healthy and appropriate to let your partner know what YOU'RE expectations are. It is NOT appropraite to expect then to change to MEET those expectations. It isn't appropriate for a few reasons. First, most people don't and cna't change unless they truly want to so asking them to is just kind of pointless int the first place. Second, love is NOT about making sacrafices, it's about acceptance and trust and mutually beneficially compromises.
Having said that, in my opinion it shouldn't feel like a sacrafice to him to show you the respect you deserve.
And one last question, all fears of cops cheating aside, are you prepared and emotionally READY to be a cop's wife? Are you ready to face long nights when you don't know if he's coming home alive or if one of his buddy's willcome to give you the bad news? Are you ready to have children with and explain to those children why Daddy can't be at soccer games, recieptals, whyhe isn't home at 3:30, even if there ARE good legitimate reasons? Are oyu ready for him to come home mad and frustrated and be able to talk to you about it? Are you ready for him to try to close himself away from you to "protect you and the kids"? Are you ready for him to take out his frustrations from work ON you and the kids?
It seesm to me like you aren't in a place where you are ready to have a healthy trust based relationship LET ALONE ready to deal with all the ADDITIONAL stress of being a cop's wife.
You may not be ready to end it, but do you really think you are ready to get married right now? DO you really think you feel emotionally healthy enough to make a decision that will effect the rest fo your life? Do you really think you are capable of being completely objective about how compatible you are with this right now? In short, do you think you are ready to get married?
I know marriage seems like the natural progression to being in love. And it is, sort of. But it takes soooooo much more then love to have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. I know it FEELS like you should get married because you love him and you believe he loves you too. But is this really the right time in your life to do it? Have you really thought through the reality of marrying this man and living with him 24/7?
Maybe you should stop spending so much time asking yourself what he's thinking and figure out what YOU are thinking? Not feeling, mind you, but thinking.
Don't you THINK that maybe part of the reason you're holding on so tight is because you're scared of being alone again? scared having "nothing" to show for your time in the relationship? scared of what friends and family will say?
I know I sure would be, if I were you.
On a more positive note. I struggled with a lot of trust issues when I first met my husband. I had the same issues with jealousy, insecurity, fear of chetaing, all of it that you are dealign with right now. I got through it and I'm 99% free of all the irational thoughts I was having. My husband was very patient and understanding about it. Not that he was a saint. He lost patience sometimes and he got frustrated with me and with himself. He didn't always do what I asked, of course, it turns out most of the time it was becasue I was being completely unreasonable in whatever I was asking...
My point is that I got through it and you can too, though I'm not sure this if this relationship is really helping or hindering your progress towards that. I'm kind of leaning toward hindering at the moment because your guy isn't seeming really supportive. Having said that, if you want to give him another shot at being more understanding I might be able to make a suggestion or two to help talk to him about what you are going through and how he can help WITHOUT being unreasonable.
If you're interested feel free to let me know here or email or IM me. My yahoo IM handle and email address are the same as they are here: nick91171.
I know I didn't go very easy on you, but I really do sympathize. I know what you're going through and I know how tough it is to get through it.
Kristen, I just wanted to jump in here with a thought I had while reading your and cl-2nd_life's posts...
Good grief! It's like reading my own life!
(((((HUGS))))) Kristen, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been in the very same boat.
My thoughts on your situation (no holding back) is exactly what Kim says. Me and you are a lot a like. I have had insecurities most of my life. My high school bf of 6 years up and left me without any explanation and I then seem to have attached myself to a man who displayed very untrustworthy behavior. He would flat out lie to me, he received inappropriate txt messages from girls and he also told me it was for a friend, voice messages from "girl friends" that I did not know, etc. He had me absolutely convinced that it was my insecurities ruining the relationship. I felt I was crazy.
I went to a therapist too and she concluded that I was mildly depressed and had severe anxiety. I was prescribed an anti-depressant and let me tell you 6 months down the road I can see through him. Luckily for me because there is no way I'm strong enough to leave, he decided to leave me.
It hurts like you would not believe, but I'm determined to pick myself up and conquer this. And I did learn from that relationship to work on myself and that to be loved you have to love yourself first. Try to put a loved one in your situation, as a bystander would you agree with the relationship, knowing your loved one was being treated this way. I wouldn't so why should I go through it.
On a side note, I asked a trusted sheriff friend of mine to set me up with some of his friends and he refused. He said law enforcement guys that he knew were no good. I by know means think all law enforcement officers are this way, but the ones he knew in my itty bitty town are.
I've read some of your posts on Living Together...so I'm somewhat familiar with your story and I empathize.
From reading your posts and knowing what little I know, I really think you need to work on *you* for a while. I don't necessarily think that means you have to leave your DF, but I think you need to be able to focus on yourself and not worry so much about the relationship. I think it's very clear that there are way more issues here than relationship problems. You have insecurity and distrust issues...and I wonder if you may even have an anxiety disorder of sorts. Now, I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure, but I have an anxiety disorder of my own (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and I can see myself in some of what you describe.
Related to that - I want you to know that you can learn to manage your anxiety and whatever other issues you have - but it takes a LOT of hard work. Not only does it take hard work on your end - it takes a strong support system. Maybe you're learning right now that your DF can't be that support system for you. Or maybe he's just having a hard time adjusting.
When I started my latest relationship, after things started getting more serious and we discussed becoming exclusive - I told my bf straight out that I have an anxiety disorder and most of the time it's in check, but sometimes I get really anxious and irrational and I need someone who can handle that. He thought he could - and when the first anxious time came up - he did come through for me. But, I knew until I had that first "bout" with him, that he might not be able to handle it and he might walk away.
Anyway - I guess the bottom line is that you owe it to yourself to work on *you* and be supported. If DF can't do that - then he's probably not the right one for you. You probably will never be "cured" of your insecurities or anxiety, but you will eventually learn to manage them. If DF can't bear to live with you during your anxious/insecure times, you owe it to yourself to find someone who can. In the same vein, I think your DF deserves some time and understanding of his own, because he may come around and be the best support system you could ask for. This is a new situation for him too.
And as for the whole cops aren't faithful - the stats are out there. My Dad was a cop and I know there were a few affairs going on in the barracks - but there were also several dedicated guys who were totally faithful - so it's not like it's impossible!!
Good luck to you. I hope you keep us updated!
Kristen, you got some awesome responses today. I hope you take the time to go back and read each of them again a few times. They all made really good points and really good sense.
I agree that sometimes we pick the guy who's exactly the "wrongest" (lol) for us. The way he is, with his "women friends" may be just fine for some, but it's not for you. It sounds like this is something that he's not willing to budge on (not surprising since he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing), but it drives you absolutely nuts. It hits right up against your insecurities hard. Why would you choose a relationship that's going to be a struggle, that's going to make you continue to worry and be upset? That just doesn't make good sense.
Your concern about "what if I'm wasting my time in this relationship? What if it's all for nothing? I agree with all those who say a relationship is never a waste of time, not if you've learned anything in it. And "fixed" or not "fixed", I think you've learned in this relationship. I'm betting if it ended tomorrow you'd have some standards in place that you would insist to have in your next relationship, I'm betting you'd find you've narrowed your criteria for what is acceptable to you, and in doing so, your next boyfriend would be closer to exactly right for you. About eight years ago I found myself in a relationship that was great, but because of issues I had I knew I was in danger of destroying it. I went to therapy to work on those issues and did so knowing that it was entirely possible that when I emerged from therapy my boyfriend would not longer be right for me due to the changes I'd made in therapy. I chose to stay in therapy. Know why? Because staying and "cleaning up" was for me, for my life and I knew I would be a better, healthier, happier person because of therapy. To stop therapy because it might hurt the relationship would mean staying unhealthy, troubled and dysfunctional in order to keep this "great" guy. It was scary for me to think that I might end up not being right for him at all, but choosing to stay unhealthy for anybody makes no sense and certainly isn't taking good care of yourself. It's sacrificing your health for someone else. It makes no sense. I knew that if I emerged from therapy and he was no longer right for me, it would mean that he wasn't right for a healthy, functioning me, and since that's the only person I wanted to be, I had to bite the bullet, take the chance and got to therapy for a healthy, "clean" me Can you see how being afraid that getting healthy and losing your issues might "destroy" your relationship isn't clear thinking? Can you see that what that would mean is that your relationship wasn't healthy to start with and shouldn't have continued anyway? Can you see that it would mean you having the ability finally to go forward happy, healthy and at peace and find the right guy who could offer you the kind of relationship you really want and need?
I really hear you putting the cart before the horse here when you worry about this relationship not working and that you so want it to work. It sounds every bit like despite how much pain it causes you, despite whether you - or he - can be happy in it, your goal is to make it work, period. Not at all healthy and not at all a recipe for a good life or a happy, healthy relationship.
As far as his female friends go, I think his actions are over the line for a lot of people. You have every right to have feel his communications with them is inappropriate. Have you considered asking him how he'd feel if this were reversed? Would he be okay with you hanging out with guy friends he'd never met, guy friends who are coming on to you and writing flirty messages to you? I'd consider asking him. In asking, I wouldn't sound blaming, I'd simply describe the situations that happen with him in reverse, as though they're happening to you and he's the bystander. When I was all done describing those scenarios I'd ask him, "So it would be okay if that was happening with me?" If he says "no", then maybe you've made a point with him and he'll treat you as he would expect to be treated. But, if he says he'd have no problem with it and it would be fine. You know that it's not going to stop. And if it's not going to stop, you have to know this is the wrong relationship for you to be in right now. Like was already suggested, he's only heightening your concerns, enflaming your insecurities, making you much worse instead of better. All the while that his actions are understandably causing you much trauma, you're listening to him tell you you're insecure, you're exaggerating....etc. Sweetie, you're not exaggerating. This guy's actions are the last thing a person who's already got insecurity issues should be facing. Be caring enough for yourself to be able to say, "this is not a good place for me to be" and move to a better place. Trying to convince yourself that it's all right (as he keeps trying to drill in) will only make you worse. It's not all right, not for you. Not for lots of people. But people who are healthy to begin with would say, "I don't agree with your actions towards your female friends and I'm not willing to be in a relationship with these kinds of behaviors in it.", and leave.
Like a lot of others here have suggested, I really urge you to put on the brakes, slow down and focus on you. Get through your therapy. Don't worry about what might or might not happen, just focus on getting you well. Know that when you're well it will be easy to figure out what to do. You can't predict the future, so quit trying. Just work on your issues and let the rest fall into place when it's time.
Healthy you first, then relationship.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hey Aggie! I know you from another board ~
I've been wondering about you, it sounds like you're doing better than you were the last time you checked in. I hope things are going well. I'm glad to see you!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi 2nd life!
I'm doing okay, hanging in there. It really is hard to let go of someone you love no matter how bad they are for you.
I like to visit your boards when I'm not feeling so good and read your responses to others.
Makes me feel better!!!
Aw, Aggie, that's really sweet of you to say, thanks!
Anytime you're feeling bad, come on over and post (vent), you'll get some feedback that will remind you you're doing the right thing (always helpful to hear from others, even if you already knew it yourself!) you'll get some positive, bolstering strokes and you'll feel better for having gotten it out. You're welcome anytime!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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