What am I to do? ????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
What am I to do? ????
9
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 8:08pm

I have married a wonderful woman within the last year. My problem is 2-fold. She was divorced over 2 years ago . Shortly after her divorce she got involved with a man that was not what he appeared to be. I am in my late 40's she is mid 40's .She lent him a fairly significant amount of money, which he promised to re-pay within a few months. This was in late 2003 ,early 2004.Needless to say he never repaid her and the relationship ended for several reasons in early 2004. The entire relationship lasted 4 months and they were even supposed to marry!
Since I have been with her she has done nothing but complain that this man had never repaid her and asked for my support and help. I have listened and understand her pain. I have been very kind,considerate and loving towards her .We had this conversation many times. I have freely given my support and advice as she had asked out of my love for her.
I got involved and called him and e-mailed him several times (as she stated she was afraid of him amd what he might do)and we came to an agreement of a said dollar amount per month. Before the court date.She at my urging after a long time took him to court to recover the money. This was last November.I was right by her side that day, and have been since in anything. She has also done the same for me several times as I am divorced also. She won a preset judgement to be paid on a monthly basis.
The judge agreed to the said dollar amount as did this man.She was given the first check that day in court. Well December came and no check . I was furious and told her don't play games bring him right back into court. I had a gut feeling all along after things she had told me about the relationship, especially knowing the amount of money he talked her out of. I called him ( because she was afraid to)and asked where the check was. All I got was lip service , excuses etc... She told me oh he is having a rough time. he's not a bad guy. He has a good heart , he felt bad about it etc. Really? Ask someone for a large amount of money after 1 or 2 months of seeing someone. I think Not! There is no way I would ever do that , even in dire straights. He is a looser! I told her it would continue. And it did. He paid December's payment in Jan giving all kinds of excuses. She has not seen a dime since! He now owes her 6 months.
I e-mailed him several times within the last few months as she finally sent one this week. Here was basically his response to her and I after several e-mails over the past month.It went to her he has ignored me. I
1. I have several judgements against me.
2.I can pay you not even 1/2 of the amount owed.
3. I have a something in the works and may be able to pay only less than 1/2.

More excuses and you will have to stand in line! I THINK NOT! Also, this is between us and not your husband! Really? OK but, after getting me involved now she says SHE will handle it . What like she has before? I feel he is manipulating her again and she just may be falling for it to get not even 1/2 of what he owes. I also feel she still has fear. For what reason I do not know. I am by her side and will always protect her. She is my WIFE! I have never given her any reason not to feel safe. He promises he will catch up! Yea right!
He has a court judgement against him and it is contempt of a court order! At this point my wife or not I feel I am going to wash my hands of it all . I do not want to hear it anymore. I know how these type of people operate and frankly I am surprised at my wife for letting it go on so long. Am I wrong for feeling this way?.
And BTW a similar incident happened where she asked for my help concerning her ex- husband and alimony. Was told the same thing after asking me to get involved . It is between them . Took 5 months to convince her to go after what she was owed there and he finally took her to court and lost! ( again out of fear of what he may do...try to get the kids, etc... I am getting really sick of it. He was in contempt of the divorce decree. On top of it he had to pay her attorney fees. I support her anytime she asks for my help. I would not do anything like this unless I was asked by my spouse but she says nothing to them, supporting me . She just takes it, and lets people badmouth me. I am starting to get upset at that. I have discussed it she says oh be the bigger person. If someone badmouths my wife I jump all over them! I think that is the way it should be! . I love this woman very much but am getting upset and feeling used.This is by no means a boo- hoo session. I am comfused and upset and feel rightfully so! What am I to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 9:08pm

Start by separating past mistakes from the present and future. She loaned him the money, she asked for help and you gave it to her. She doesn't want help now then simply back off. She created this problem and it is up to her to solve it. As long as she is not making these kinds of loans now that you are married to her, you should try to be supportive and that is it --- try not to take it so personally, it happened before you. remember the world is not "fair" and there is no such thing as "imminent justice."

And by the way one thing you learn about the courts is that their actual ability to get someone dead set against paying to pay is not real strong. I am not sure about basic civil judgements, but I do know that in the cases of child support their enforcement mechanisms against a dedicated deadbeat are pretty weak. And the more they owe to the more people the less your chances of collecting even pennies on the dollar. Think hard if getting back this sum of money is worth all this heartache and ongoing drama in your marriage. If she collects every penney and you end up divorced will that be a good outcome?

Now as to the present and future, you should communicate with your wife and let her know how her actions make you feel. This is important to your relationship and you need to come to some kind of negotiated agreement on how to avoid making each other feel bad with your behaviors. If you can not do this well alone, then see a couples counselor --- they are experts at this and can teach you some basic skills that will make a difference especially in a case like yours where it sounds like you both have good intentions but unintentionally are hurting each other.

Deep breadth, focus on what is most important in your life --- living a great life with your wife, loving, caring, and supporting each other. If you have this, whatever the sum of the money is, it will look insignificant over the rest of your lifetime.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:33pm

I'm curious who is bad mouthing you to her and what they are saying?


I was taken for a large sum when I was very young - I am 100% sure the guy did it intentionally, planning to run up my credit cards and not paying them off even though he promised he would.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 1:27am

What she's doing is whining to you, asking you to do all the dirty work while she does nothing and further, doesn't take action after you've "fixed" it for her. Your wife doesn't want to take responsibility for her decisions and doesn't want to be responsible for the actions necessary to make these situations come around as she'd like. I agree with you entirely, how frustrating to finally agree to take something over at her request, only to have her basically undo all that you've done by not enforcing what she says she wants! She's proven to you that bailing her out will be of no real help to her, it's only enabling her from not putting the responsibility and the actions where it squarely belongs -- on her own shoulders.


I would give her some leeway if this man were truly someone she was frightened of, and perhaps he is, but the fact that she's also afraid of her ex-husband's reaction might suggest that there is no real concern of danger, and the fact that she made excuses for her ex-boyfriend when he reneged on the court agreement instead of asking you to push for the payment would indicate that she's not so much afraid as it is her nature to want things to be different without having to do anything. However, it could also mean that she chose two threatening guys in a row, and that's not uncommon. Tell me, is she easily intimidated? Do you believe she's got reason to be frightened? Has this man made threats against her?


Personally, I would tell her I was done with the situation. I would tell her that if she wants her money back she'll have to take action to get it back, and if she chooses not to take action, she's making the choice not to get her money back. I'd also tell her that if that's the path she chooses you do not want to hear about it anymore, period. I think that's reasonable and respectful to her and to you. To me, complaints can only be legitimately continued if you're doing something to resolve whatever the issue is. Complaining about a situation you're choosing to do nothing about is not something anyone should have to endure. I'm sure she'd disagree, but I think in the end you'll be doing her a great service by forcing her to deal with it herself; if she does deal with it, she'll get her money back and will feel more empowered and more self esteem in the process, if she chooses not to do anything, there is no loss of money you'll feel as it was pre-you (I know, not a word), and you'll not have to hear about it again. I think it's the only logical, reasonable thing to do. Likewise with increasing child support. In both situations, you can tell her you'll be there to support her, but the work is hers to do, you're merely the cheering committee.


I also recommend a book for you to read: "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", by Harriet Lerner. . Yes, I know the book is called "A woman's guide", but the information is by no means meant for women only. It's what came to mind as being extremely helpful to you in this situation while I was reading your post. This book teaches the fine art of taking responsibility for yourself, and rather than "helping" and "enabling", kindly and gently expecting others to be responsible for their own choices and the consequences of them. I think it will be extremely beneficial in taking yourself out of this situation, which is a place you didn't belong in the first place.


And who the heck lends anyone they've only known for four months a large amount of money?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 9:12am
I posted my message last night then spoke to her and told her I was done with it. We got into an argument over it. She is going to take less than 1/2. I feel so stupid. I called the guy and spoke to him directly last evening for her. He states he will pay less than 1/2 of the back payments this week. So again the baloney will continue and she can deal with it and I do not want to hear it.
After the fact, she thanked me then I got a nice slap in the face and was told she never asked me for my help I just offered it and she accepted. This comment was also directed at my helping her with her situation with her ex -husband. I was told I am wrong for feeling the way I do and I am being stupid. I have heard nothing but complaints and whining since we have married concerning this ex BF and her EX husband. I also realize part of being a good loving ,supportive and caring husband is listening and understanding.
As far as being afraid neither of these men have ever threatened her as far as I know. I know both of them can be intimidating.But, she lets it happen. I believe she has been this way most of her life .I understand she could have been concerned when she was alone.. Before me. That is not the case now. I am here and would not let anything happen to my wife.That is why I got involved I saw it happening.
It is very hard as her husband that loves her dearly to sit back and watch this but that is exactly what I have to do in this case. It was before I was around. Now I have to deal with the wreckage that both of these men have left behind!
Furthermore, as far as I am concerned this issue really isn't over the money it is the principle behind it. I personally could care less about the cash. Both of these men have stated to her concerning anything they do not want to deal with me. I know why , don't we? she says I am to hard..No, I am old school and do not accept the unacceptable and both these men know it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 9:29am
I have decided to let it go and she is the one that has to deal with it. I will continue to be supportive as I should be. That is my job as her husband.
Your correct the money is not worth anything if I do not have her. I could care less about the money. It is the prinicple behind this issue and how she has handled it .It was before me and not really my concern. I am fully aware of how the court system operates concerning these types of issues. You rarely get all of it back.
In the long run this issue will really be nothing. thanks....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 10:27am
The badmouthing is coming mostly from her ex husband. He does not like me and resents me. I believe it is because of what I represent, and who I am. The namecalling are words I cannot type here... and they are not nice.
Since I have married his ex, she has basically gotten all the things she wanted during a 15 year marriage which he never had any interest in. I.E. a driveway put in, (it was dirt for 15 yrs), a new 2 car garage , a new vehicle,a nice deck off the house. etc...And we plan to do more. We have worked together side by side to accomplish these things in less than 1 year. TOGETHER is the buzzword here. As a team.
Furthermore, he does pay a decent amount of child support ( I have 2 stepchildren that live here ) and he feels he is paying for our home improvements. I think not! ( I have 3 children myself and pay CS and never complain. They are my kids)!Also, he is very controlling . When I met my wife and since he tries to control what goes on in this house. Again, I think not. I will not let him infultrate . The house has been re-financed and he has been paid off. The lines of communication are always open for access to his children , but that is as far as it goes. He resents me and that is fine. I consider the source. I ignore him. He knows now he cannot manipulate his ex any longer. He blames me and he is burnt up.
As far as the original post issue , that is trivial and it is up to her to handle. I am not angry at her whatsoever. I asked opinions and have gotten answers to my question. Correct all along I should not have been involved. It was how I felt from the get go. I was involved , will step aside ,and will be supportive of my wife. We have alot going for us and this issue will not cloud our marriage.
I have an huge amount of love and respect for my wife.I look forward to a long, loving, happy relationship with her. I get upset when I see her being mistreated but realize only she can handle that. Only she can clean out her own closet. I can't do it for her.We have discussed marriage counseling she is open to it but feels we have no time. We currently have a family counselor who comes weekly to our home. I am of the opinion it is a healthy thing. I am open to it and welcome it with open arms.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 5:39pm

"And who the heck lends anyone they've only known for four months a large amount of money?"

Someone who was verbally and emotionally abused for 15 years by a cheating ex-husband. So, when someone came into her life after her divorce and showered her with attention she sadly needed, she genuinely believed in that person. Too bad it wasn't real.

People make mistakes. And, there are two sides to every story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 9:38pm

Welcome to the board, Painterdreams ~


Having come from a 17-year long abusive marriage myself I'm well aware of what the affects can be. You probably noticed that I included the suggestion that perhaps abuse was involved in my response, so yes, I was considering that there was another side.


I'm glad you're here, you can clear up some things that might make this a lot clearer; why do you continue to make excuses for this guy? It doesn't make sense to ask your husband's help to get what you have coming, then defend this guy when he doesn't come through as agreed. Have you seen a therapist to work through the effects of the abuse?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 1:12am

IMO yes, as a spouse you should be supportive and understanding where it's appropriate, however that doesn't mean you have to listen to complaining that has no end due to no action on the complainer's part. In that situation, I think it's completely appropriate to tell your spouse that unless action is taken to change the situation, you're done listening to complaining.


If we're talking about an abusive situation, as your wife indicates, that's somewhat different, IMO. There can be concern and fear (anxiety) that's not taken away by a big strong man being beside you. Your inner self only knows that same fear is coming up, it doesn't feel safe or protected by anyone. What can you do about that? Nothing. It's up to the abuse victim to get the help she needs to work through the effects of the abuse; it's her problem, not yours. You can be encouraging and supportive, and it would probably be helpful for you to attend counseling with her at some point (her therapist would be the best judge of when that's appropriate), and you might seek the help of a therapist in learning how best to support her through this time, but it's hers to take the steps to resolve within herself. Realize though, (assuming here) you married her knowing she was an abuse victim, and as such, you probably were aware she had some issues surrounding that. You accepted her and them at the time and married into them. Change may be something she should do for herself as well as for the health of your marriage, but expecting her to change is another matter. You accepted her as she was and have no reason to expect her to be any different.


I do think that continuing to bail her out (even with the phone calls you just made) enables her to continue to avoid dealing with the money issues and more importantly enables her to avoid the reality that the abuse issues are a problem that need to be faced and dealt with; as long as you're *helping*, she doesn't have to come full face with her issues. It's being uncomfortable with where or who you are that incites change, as long as you can avoid facing it, you can deny that it's a problem that needs to be dealt with.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"