What Causes Passive Agressive Behavior?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
What Causes Passive Agressive Behavior?
4
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 10:44am
I'm pretty sure thats what the problem is here. When we were dating..he was so loving and gentle,kind,careing. Now I'm "b!tchy" "whiney" "lazy".I just can't see myself that way ..I dont scream, run around, I'm disabled, so I only can do so much in one day. I love to talk,and have discussions. After we got married, one day we were talking, and I said something like "I'm finally feeling comfortable around you", meaning I could be my true self (after being alone for a few years) and that was ALL I meant. He took it to mean I was USED to him,(not wanting him) or something WAYYYYY off , from what I meant. I tried to explain..but I think he still holds it against me...I just cant figure this crap out. He complained about not getting enough sex.. I said well, you dont sit beside me on the couch anymore(like we used to) he said "it wouldnt do me any good" I replied " you'll never know unless you try" I have to FEEL LOVED, to have sex. I feel more like a burden or mistake. Wanda
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 5:24pm
Hey Wanda,

Here's my two cents.

Guys complain women are complicated and over-analytical, but in acutal fact, guys are probably that way too. Perhaps he read too much into what u were saying and it was prolly some miscomunication going on. Problem is, if this happened awhile ago, he prolly forgot or doesn't wanna think abt it so bringing it up now (if u two were to talk abt it) would be a lil tough. Maybe u should just ask him whether it's still bothering him or not and just get it over and done with.

About him calling u all that, I think a person doesn't have a right to call other ppl those names, unless the person in question is actually like that but still! You're his wife, I can't understand any husband callin his wife that.

Perhaps he feels like he doesn't have to give any upkeep in the relationship anymore since you two are married; some ppl ARE like that, they think marraige solves everything. It's the same thing with my boyfriend and I too, I can't understand how he's so different, he insists he hasn't changed. But anyways, this is abt u :) So since I'm in the same rut and I don't have a solution, I'll leave that be for now.

Lastly, I totally understand u wanting to feel loved to have sex, it's totally natural. Maybe he has to understand that there are some things u want/need like companionship and communication. And don't feel that you're a burden or mistake, right now, just take a step back and look at the big picture, instead of concentratin on one spot. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:17am
Oh, he hasn't forgot what I said! And that was three years ago. Sometimes I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. No friends, except a few girls here on the internet. I have no where to go. In my divorce, my house was repossesed, so I have nothing to fall back on. I didnt know he was going to do a total flip on me. Before we got married, I explained to him about my headaches,fatigue ect. That I have a hard time getting housework done. And that "I may not be what he needs in a wife". NOW>>He say's "I FOOLED HIM" ...excuse me? I sat there and told him all my problems(physical)and all my bad habits. I was upfront and honest. I better go right now I'm getting very upset (crying).I'm just drained today. Thanks for your response. Wanda
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 5:29pm
Hey Wanda!

Gosh, three years and he's still hung up about it? Maybe what you two need to do it sit down and hae a very long chat. Tell him how u feel but don't say it in a way that he feels that you're attacking him... Eg, "I feel lonely sometimes" is better than "You never spend time with me anymore".

You know, if and when I ever get married, I worry about the same thing you're going through now. I'm really sorry for how you feel. Maybe communicating with him is the key. You could find out that maybe it isn't you, maybe some external fator is bothering him... Boss giving him a tough time at work, stress abt not having a job, pressure to do something... You know, that kind of stuff.

Best of luck!

Destiny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 7:36pm
Any man who makes you feel like a burden is not worth your tears. Marriage can be so much more loving than that. If he won't go to therapy, I suggest you go on your own. Something must have happened to make him change so much, and a therapist will help you identify the root of the problem. Good luck!

April