What chaos my life has become.

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
What chaos my life has become.
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 5:56pm
anything So - i'm posting here to determine how BAD of shape my marriage is in.  I posted on the affair board, too.  I have been married for 11 years.  We have one son. He's 6.  we have been in and out of therapy.  I am back in IC.  Second visit yesterday with a new therapist and I really hate the "getting to know you" process.  Here's my main issues. I had an affair 3 years ago.  It started as an EA and then developed when I asked my husband for a separation.  He threatened to commit suicide and told our son that movie didn't love him anymore.  It broke my heart and I caved.  But, I continued the affair.  Then there was a tragic death in my family and I stopped.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I'm a Catholic woman and a good mother and it woke me up to realize I was on the path straight to Hell.   The OM wanted me to leave my husband (he was single) and marry him. I just couldn't. No matter how good things were...I felt it was time I owned up to my responsibilities.  All kinds of things have happened since then.  We seemed to get better and then things got worse.  My husband is very isolating.  While he will make dinners and clean up around the house, make me coffee in the morning..  he won't go to work events with me.  He downplays any success I might have and we are in SERIOUS debt.   He has been/is pushing me to write books on the side (in addition to full time high pressure job).  In fact, that's what he thinks I'm doing right now.  He thinks my writing is SO good that it's going to bail out of all our debt and he tells our son that soon we will be living in a 2 million dollar house, when Mommy's books take off.   When I tell him that I can't sleep at night because I'm scared of the finances (past financial mistakes that we are now paying for) he just tells me to keep writing.  He has not gotten another job or offered to.  He DOES take care of our son when I'm writing - but he does not help alleviate my stress.   As for sex -- we've been to therapy for that too.   For the past few years he has basically asked me to give him a hand job -- and many times wouldn't even actually have intercourse with me.  He has early ending problems...so he says it's the best way for him to deal with the problem.  He doesn't try to please me.  After therapy - he did a little.  But, now we are back to the hand job stuff.  I have stopped initiating and we haven't had any sexual contact in 2 months.   He tells me he loves me at least once a week,  he makes surprise dinners, he helps with laundry, he will even rub my shoulders.  But, I feel like we are living separate lives in some ways.  I think that's partly my fault.  He USED to tell me (before therapy) that I should get plastic surgery -- dress a certain way.  If I tried something on in the store-- he'd tell me that I looked fat in it -- (brutal honesty).  I'm below average BMI and he will check me out in the shower and tell me "looking good ...keep it up...looks like you lost a lot of weight"     over the past year, I have wanted to get the courage to leave my husband.   I met several "old friends" on facebook who thought I was separated (my doing).  I met them for drinks/dinner and then found a way to say goodbye.  I haven't had physical contact with them, I just wanted the feeling of knowing what a real guy was like.  A stranger -- could I fall in love or find that passion off the top and get the courage to walk away?   Well,  I recently met one of these men on a couple of occasions for drinks. I think he's going to stop talking to me because he says "even though you're separated I can tell you really have your guard up".   That's because I try to make it like it's a business relationship or something....(in my head).   Now,  I really like this guy and I have considered that maybe now is the time to finally leave my husband. WHen I look at my son I realize what an idiot I've become.  He's a beautiful boy -- we go to church on Sunday -- and he knows nothing of our problems.   I don't argue with my husband - we don't argue at all.   I don't like it when he gets angry or upset so I try not to upset him.   However,  recently - it became clear WHY I am having trouble in my marriage in the first place.  Shining example.  We were set to move out of our rental house and into another.  We HAD to move out by the 30th.  Well,  I handled everything (as usual).   However, I couldn't get off work for the move.  My husband said he couldn't either.  THen, he told me that he could get the day before off to pack.  I said great -- he asked me to call in sick on the day of the actual move.  Which I agreed to do.  I hadn't taken a sick day all year.  Turns out he got our son an audition with a big talent agency and he saw $$$ signs and decided to use his "packing day" to take our son to this audition and left me with the mess.  I had to hire packers that we couldn't afford because we HAD to be out.   The next morning the movers are scheduled to arrive at 7am.  I get a call at 5:30am from my boss (remember I'm supposed to be calling in sick) to tell me that there was a major company emergency and I had to come right in.  There were several deaths in a bad tragedy and I had to be there.  I told my husband I was stuck!   He said I don't know what to tell you?  I said I HAVE to go to work.  What are we going to do.  The movers arrived and an older lady from down the way was going to help watch our son while I was dealing with the movers.  But,  we still didn't even have the keys to the new house.  Well my husband said he was "too busy and I just had to handle it".   He left for work -- didn't respond to texts or vm asking for his help at least brainstorming I was going to handle it.  I nearly lost my job.  Thanks to good movers and a great neighbor -- I made it all happen.  But,  I cried for the first time in a long time that day.   he could have cared less what happened to me -- our son -- or the move itself.  He simply said -- "Sorry I'm busy".    THat was about 3 weeks ago.  Since then, he's been fine.  No issues -- other than the stuff I described earlier.  But,  that's my life -- on and off.   Am I wrong to be considering divorce?  Am I wrong to be staying in this relationship?   I just wish I had someone with full knowledge of the relationship who could tell me -- what on earth I should do.   I feel paralyzed by our bills and fear over our son's well being.    Any advice will be welcome.      
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 7:57pm

Sounds like your DH is really living in fantasy land about money if you are in big debt & he thinks you can suddenly write a best selling book and all your problems will be solved.  On a practical note, it seems like you don't own a house so if you have big credit card debt, maybe you should consult a lawyer about filing bankruptcy.  I can imagine you get sick of doing all the work--I know sometimes I felt like I was the adult & my ex (both of them were this way) were additional children because I was the responsible one.  Plus your sex life doesn't sound good either.  The fact that he doesn't try to please you after he gets his is not good--and he doesn't really help you out.  I do think you are going to find the answer in counseling and figure out what to do.  I also think the fact that you were searching around for other guys is a symptom that your marriage is on the rocks.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 2:06pm
No you are not wrong to consider divorce. Are you wrong to stay in the relationship? Often times it is not a black and white issue, some will think stay some will think go. Money is probably the number one reason people get divorced. You have big financial issues. Your husbands solution is for you to write erotic novels, or for your son to do commercials. He is living in a financial fantasy land. Unless that issue is resolved, you are never going to happy with him, no matter any other issues you have.

You also have the hot and cold treatment. Seems like extreme hot and cold. From lovey-dovey shoulder rubs and then leaves you high and dry on moving day.

Your affair and continued searching for another man I think are very telling. You want out.

Yes you can try more therapy but has any therapy in the past changed anything about his behavior? Personally I don't think any therapy will change his behaviors. Anyone who would involve their young child in the parents personal problems is wacko, and selfish.

I can see your sons well being is your top concern. I think staying in this marriage with your husbands behaviors will cause much more harm to your son than any divorce might do.