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| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 3:41pm |
My boyfriend of about a year or so and I have been having a lot of problems stemming from outside pressures, for several months now. There has been a lot of turmoil in our lives, seperate from the relationship, that has taken a toll on our emotional and physical relationship. First, we were having sexual problems due to foreskin issues, so he had to have a circumsicion. So we had to not be sexual, and that resulted in him pulling away from me emotionally, for obvious reasons of in love=wants to make love, cant make love=pain. Most recently he has been studying to retake his boards for medical school, and he has been so freaked out that I decided we needed to be apart until he took the test. We both decided we still wanted to try to pursue the relationship after the test, in the hopes that the timing will be better. There is really a lot of amazing connection there, and we feel like things haven't gotten a chance.
That being said, I feel like I have been waiting to be fully loved for months now. And the last month or so I have completely been without him, but I've remained committed to him, waiting for this to end. Because of everything I've been dealing with I really feel like I need him to say HEY here I am, my penis is just fine, I am done with the boards and I just want to love you!!! Like I need at least a little bit of that over the top "finally we can be together" thing from him, because I have stuck through some really rough stuff to be with him, and we haven't been together very long so that foundation isn't established. So last night I got a very nice email from him, thanking me for an email. Then he told me his friend (female def. platonic, girl i like) invited him to be her guest to a wedding on Sunday. He wants to go because he knows a lot of the people, and asked me if it would be alright to go with her. And of course I can't come because he wasn't invited so he can only come as a guest. He said he wished I could go. We have never been to a wedding together and talk all the time about how fun it will be, and this is the first weekend we are going to be really together in a month. It really hurt me that he wanted to go without me, or didn't ask if I could also join perhaps some portion of the evening (the non-food part or something.) Kind of a straw that broke the camels back thing. Waiting for months for us both to be able to be present in the relationship, then this weekend being like the light at the end of the tunnel, and I get to be by myself on Sunday while he goes to a wedding with someone else. I called him and he and I ended up yelling at each other. I was like Im really angry, and think that is crappy and I think i might want end this and he was basically like I knew you were going to do this, so what I can't do anything without you once I'm done with this test, I have to be with you 24/7? And I was like how could you say that when I've been though all this yadda. And he said it never occured to him to ask about brining me because thats rude. And he hasn't seen any friends in the last month, either and needs to rebuild that and not just our relationship. Then we all cried, and he understood where I was coming and I understand him (though I still think its crappy.) And he said he loves me and such We didn't break it off. But I'm still really upset. So I guess mainly I'm just posting this because I can't talk to him till he takes this test. I just don't know if I'm right in being upset about this under the circumstances? And whether or not this sounds like something that can ever be ok?

Welcome to the board, Beautifuldancer ~
You've left a lot out, which is your right, but the result is, for me anyway, that I don't feel like I have the kind of understanding I need to have in order to form an opinion on your situation; it's hard to judge when you feel like there's a lot that's not understood. I could make a stab at it, but guessing and hoping I'm guessing right isn't likely to do you much good, and I doubt you wanted a lot of guesswork. I'm hoping you'll be willing to give us a better picture of your situation to be able to have the kind of clear view and understanding we need to give you thought, insights and suggestions.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you for your interest in my situation. Its definately appreciated, and yes I didn't realize how confusing it was. Probably because I was mainly just venting. I've kinda worked things out for myself a bit further, and feel like I have figured a lot out for myself, but since you asked:
The outside factors have been the surgery, the stress of the boards, some financial problems. And also we have both been rather at a "what should I doing with my life" phase, which isn't an outside pressure, but more a difficult timing pressure.
We started dating in early August, and had been building a close friendship since May of last year. It had grown into a love relationship throughout the summer, but I didn't feel ready to be in a relationship because of a painful past experience. However by August I was in love, and wanted to go for it.
He had his surgery in late Dec., and was healed by mid-feb. or so. But the lack of sex/lack of intimacy for a month and a half really took quite a toll, especially since we had only been dating a few months. So when we began having sex again, it was tentative due to remaining physical sensitivity from the surgery, but also because I think we no longer felt uninhibited sexually with each other. Besides the surgery, he gets down in the wintertime so he has been depressed. So I suppose because of those things his sex drive lowered a lot. Whereas before the surgery (or rather before the physical problems that made surgery necessary) we both had very high, and very compatible sex drives. So yes, we were having sex for a couple months, but it wasn't truly fufilling like I'd hoped.
Which brings us to his boards. This is the second time for him to take the test, and he has to pass it to continue medical school. He took it a year ago and failed. Which was a real blow for him because he is quite a perfectionist, and is used to not having to study too hard to be the best at things. So he has spent this whole year basically waiting for the test to come around, taking one or two classes in med school, and watching his friends move up to the next level without him. Because of the extreme pressure, and his difficulty in studying, he basically freaked out. The closer it got to the boards, the more he felt guilty for doing anything but studying. So while we were still trying to regain intimacy lost because of the surgery, he was pushing himself further away. I think because he doesn't know healthy study habits, he ended up just needing to push everything a way to force an extreme focus. No, it is not really necessary. So because we were still spending time together, but I didn't feel he was present, I was the one who decided we take a break. It was hurting me hoping and hoping for him to be able to be really there with me.
It actually came to a head for me when he went to see me for the second time in a dance show I was in. I wasn't really into the show, didn't like it that much, so I wasn't emotionally invested, but he still came twice. He was very hestitant though, because I had one part in the show, big dancing part, that I only did when I was randomly selected. Basically, the audience draws the name of three of the cast members at the beginning of the show, and those were the people that danced in that section. (Its a horrible idea, and I ended up never dancing that section when I had friends in the audience, which was not fun) The first time he went I didn't get selected, so he said he would just be so upset if he went a second time and I wasn't picked. So of course I wasn't, and he actually got so choked up that he left and went home. So he was gone after the show, and I had to call him on my friends cell phone since mine was dead (which he knew) And he was crying and said he was sorry and he just couldn't handle it, when he so stressed and he just wanted to see me dance and yadda. So I calmed him down and said I'd come pick him up so we could go out. And when I came he had gotten all chipper and happy, little manic kinda thing. So I was just like jeez. So a couple days later I said this isn't going to work, we need a break, I can't deal with this. And he said ok thats good, that will force me to do nothing but study. But we both decided we still wanted to be committed, and try to reestablish the relationship after he takes the test, the hope being that without the immense innapropriate pressure he is feeling we could build a better relationship.
So its only been a month, and we have seen each other twice just for a quick dinner because I'm passing by his apartment on the way to the grocery store, and we've talked on the phone a couple times, and written a couple emails. I made the choice for us to be apart because I was at a point where I really needed him to make extra effort with me, and he was at a point where he needed a lot of emotional space to deal with the pressures of the test. And no,in the last month he has basically not done anything but study, look for a new apartment, play soccer twice a week(which is good,) eat, sleep, and occasionally play a video game. He hasn't socialized really even with his roomates, and I know he is feeling very isolated I've been worried about him for sure. And he knows that he's not dealing with the situation in a healthy manner, but he still has to study like mad. He doesn't have any time to really work out the problems. I think most med students do nothing but study actually when its time for boards, they just aren't all having an emotional breakdown.
His test is this Wed, which is why I will be seeing him this weekend. I had originally said I'd take him out on a date Friday in celebration, and he could just chill out on Thursday. When we had calmed down from our fight, however, he said that it would be nice to see me earlier if possible, so I'm going to see him Thursday now. The reason I couldn't talk to him further about the wedding issue was because he does need to concentrate to try and study enough to pass the test. It wasn't something he required of me, I just know that half of the reason we were taking a break was because he needed to be able to concetrate on his test without battling through the emotional issues we've needed to work out. Since his test is tomorrow, I really didn't want to say hey you need to work this out with me right now!
In regards to the wedding issue, I realize that he just so wanted to see friends again that he was ok with going to the wedding without me. He doesn't want to go if it will hurt me though, and all of that, so I'm feeling alright about it. I told him if he wanted to go it would be ok.
Wow, I still feel like this situation is confusing. I hope this answers your questions. I guess I no longer need an answer to my original question, but just support about continuting to try to pursue this relationship. I'm afraid that, even though he says he usually doesn't deal with stress this dramatically, he will just be like this all the time. I feel like his issues have been more important in the relationship. Like my show, it was about him being upset that I didn't get picked, and not about me not getting picked. As luck would have it I wasn't destroyed about it myself, but if I had been, he chose to run away and not be there for me and that would have been so hard for me. And I'm afraid thats going to continue, and crop up again when I do really need him to comfort me. Just not sure where I should go from here. He sent me a text message today saying that I've been wonderful, and thanking me for my support and that he loves me. At this moment, I feel very sure about taking a stab at the relationship again. But Im nervous about how to behave and procede. Whats right to expect out of him, and be hurt by. Just confused about all that.
Thanks for the explanation, Beautifuldancer, it wasn't confusing, it cleared up a lot for me. I know you've come to quite a bit of resolution about the issues (venting's really helpful), but I do have some thoughts on various aspects of your situation that I'll share with you, even though I don't think you're going to like them.
It seems to me that you didn't really take a break, at least not one that makes any sense. A break from a relationship is when you temporarily end the relationship to do other things, like date others, have fun, see what else is out there. An appropriate break would have been, "I really like you, but I can see that this isn't a good time for a relationship. Let's call it quits for now and give me a call once your life is more in order (you're done with the test, whatever), if I'm still available, we can give it another try." Dancer, you didn't take a break, you simply stopped seeing him, but stayed completely available to him and focused on him, waiting for him to emerge so your life could resume. Even now it appears you're more invested in him than he is in you. You see him for dinner because you go by his apartment. You were going to take him to dinner on Friday, but now you're going to see him on Thursday instead. On your first weekend together after this long separation, you want to see him, but he wants to go to a wedding with a friend. Yes, of course he's *allowed* to see friends and have a life, but he hasn't seen his girlfriend for over a month, if he were really interested in you like you are him, he'd want to spend it with you. I think the level of feelings in this relationship are pretty lopsided. While I understand that he did a lot of studying during this time, what I seem to be hearing is that basically what he didn't have time for, what he cut out of his life was you. He still played games, still met up with friends and still talked to and made plans with friends. What he didn't do was talk to or meet up with you, not much anyway.
I have to say, based on what you said about his need to study and his reaction at your play as well as his behavior afterward, he honestly sounds a little unbalanced. I'm not trying to say he's crazy or anything like that at all, but the behaviors are not normal. Red flags rose and I felt concerned just reading your descriptions. You said you're concerned that he'll react this way again and I think you have every right to expect just that. I also think you pegged it right when you described his behavior as very depressed, then manic. Considering he suffers from depression (perhaps seasonal, perhaps more than that), it's possible he Bipolar, which would describe the highs and lows you witnessed. That wouldn't necessarily explain his study behavior though, I just think all in all this is a bad situation for you to be in. I think you're going to see more behaviors that aren't appropriate and you're going to be the giver while he's the taker. I think you're constantly giving in this relationship, making excuses as to why it's necessary or okay, but I don't see where it comes back to you, or that it's warranted. It's great that he says he loves you and thanking you for your support is easy, words are very easy. The proof is in his actions. Great that he doesn't want to go to the wedding if it hurts you, but what about WANTING TO BE WITH YOU???? What about what he wants? And more importantly, what he doesn't. I think if you're looking for a partnership, a relationship in which your boyfriend cares as much for you as you do him and shows it, you'll need to look elsewhere. I also think you deserve a boyfriend who cares and gives equally.
I'm sorry, but none of this looks like a good place for you to be to me.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi, thanks for your response. I'm not really at a "that's not what I want to hear" place, so I don't mind your honesty.
I think that you are right, it has been very unbalanced. I think its less unbalanced in actual feeling but more in the "and shows it" portion. Which, as you said, is really the portion that actually counts. He has been unbalanced as well, which he also feels is the case, but he's never really experienced something like this. He's usually the guy people go to for advice, and optimism. But again, so what if I'm only experiencing him like this? It is still unfair.
Yes, I didn't really take a break. I didn't intend to, and I know the difference. Might have been a wrong decision on my part...but I didn't want to end things and see what happens. I wanted to just not see him for a while, and I have been very busy, going to lots of dance classes, auditions, and going out with friends. However, you are right in that I have essentially still been waiting for him to emerge. And you are totally on base about why the wedding issue is a really negative indicator of his feelings.
The only thing really is that actually he hasn't only cut me out. He's playing soccer with a med school leauge that he actually organized months ago and I know feels an obligation to, and thats the only real recreation he's allowed himself. He's not really friends with the players per se. His friend had only emailed him, so he was asking if the wedding thing was ok with me before he emailed her back. He had to look for apartments, because his roomate wouldn't help. And he was not the one to cut me out, I was the one to suggest the fake break. Besides us eating together when I was around, he did actually ask me if I would like to come over, because I was having trouble with something and he wanted to offer his help. Which sounds oh so normal, but given the situation...Anyway, no I was actually the only person he took any time out at all to communicate with. And he would send me miss you's and I love you's a lot. So yes still a problem in that he wasn't able to really be there for me, and I stayed waiting for him. But at least in the realm of his ultra study world, I was still the person he was most attached to. And in regards to seeing him earlier, I agreed because I was actually so happy about the idea.
I have no doubt that he loves me very much. But you are completely correct in that I have been very giving, and not getting much in return. And I have let that be ok. Like you said, made excuses that its ok when it isn't acceptable. So I don't know...He is done with his test today, so I still want to talk things over with him and see where he is coming from before I make a final decision about things.
Thanks for your feedback, it is good to hear an articulate outside opinion.
Just a brief response here.
One thing that stood out was that you were always going to him (aside from his appearance at your performance). Even in your last response you indicated he was more available to you by citing that he'd asked if you wanted to come over when you were dealing with some problems. Why didn't he go to you? It's as though this isn't enough for him to be *inconvenienced* by making the effort to go to you, only when you made the effort did it happen. The word 'entitlement' comes to mind.
Obviously, I only understand a piece of this, not the whole; and even it were the whole, it's your relationship, your life, the choice of what's best to do is always yours. I would suggest now that the exam is over you draw a line to make sure balance is returned and equality with it. If he's not as into you as you are in him, it's going to be a fairly empty place for you to be, not the fulfilling, gratifying experience a relationship should be.
Best of luck, Beautifuldancer, wishing the best for you, wherever that turns out to be.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"