What to do?????
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What to do?????
| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:39am |
What am I gonna do??? I am 40 and my bf is 48. I know I have a higher sex drive than him and it is really causing problems. That and I obviously don't know how to communicate. I believe that I have lost him at this point because last night I was really hurt after he had teased and come on to me all day and then when it was time to go to bed, he put me off. This happens alot. I told him when he was going to leave not to come back. That was a fatal mistake on my part because I love him and don't want things to be like this--and truly believe he will not come back. I told him that he builds things up only to put me off. His repsonse was that I build things up in my own head. So, I guess it is all me and all in my head and I shouldn't want intimacy with the person I love. I guess that set me off. I told him he must not really love me if he doesn't even want me. We haven't made love in a week and a half and he lives 50 miles from my house so we really don't get to see each other that much. We've only been together 7 months and I figured this early in the relationship that we would be all over each other. Still, I should not have said what I said. But, too, it seems like every time there is an issue it is automatically me causing it, or in my head or whatever. We went away Sat. night for an overnight and some alone time and I was hoping for maybe a little romance and passion or something. I was on my period but it had slacked off and we have made love before when it was slack like that. He was asleep at 10:30 and I sat up alone and watched tv. That was no big deal, but not what I would have liked to have happen. We can't have intimate time when the mood strikes him when we are at my house because I have two teenagers and he is afraid they will walk in on us. So we always have to wait and by the time we go to bed most of the time he is worn out. Or at least that is what he says--so I'm put off again. It really hurts and I don't understand. I don't know if we will ever be able to get it to work because while we are great together in every other way, we are sexually incompatible. I need that closeness and connection with him--that is what he doesn't seem to understand. This is not about s-e-x. If I just wanted to hop in the sack I'm sure I could go out and pick up someone for a one-nighter. I have never been that way and don't want to be. It is about the bonding of two people who love each other. That's why it hurts so much.......I don't want to be without him and I know what I said last night was hateful and hurtful. We have not talked today which is unusual and I should call him--but I don't know what to say. This is an important issue and it seems like I always back down and give in even when I know that the issue needs to be dealt with. I'm just sick today--can't even function and feel like I have probably lost the best thing that ever happened to me.......

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You can try reading Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray, but you may also want to talk to him when things calm down and tell him 'Problems in the bedroom usually reflect problems in the relationship. I still want you sexually, so can you tell me what issues you see in our relationship that prevent both of us from being totally fulfilled in this area?'
Then let him talk if he will.
If he's afraid of someone walking in, then I'm surprised that you haven't put a lock on the bedroom door yet.
Edited 4/24/2006 5:53 pm ET by itwinflame
Carrie
Yep, telling someone to not come back is a huge mistake. I remember when I left my first marriage...we had been having problems for a while. One morning my ex said to me "why don't you just leave then!" His statement gave me all the clarity I needed to know that this was a bad relationsip. So I packed my bags and left an hour later. And I never looked back.
>>last night I was really hurt after he had teased and come on to me all day and then when it was time to go to bed, he put me off.<<
I think you're being too harsh on him. You see, this happens with me and my husband frequently. I'm the one who wants sex during the day but at night I loose my mood. And for the record, I'm extremely grateful that my husband understands that this is not about him. Rather, it's about me being to damn tired by the time we go to bed. You see, I'm a day person and he's a night person. And I've told him bluntly that when he wants sex, he's got to come to bed earlier.
The two of you need discuss this and find a compromise. And it is most important that you listen to him and realise that him being tired is not about you. It really does come back to understanding each other's rhythms. And as the previous poster suggested, get a lock on the door.
Itwinflame gave you some great advice; and if you haven't read the Mars/Venus book by John Gray, I highly recommend that too. But I also have some thoughts and questions for you.
You said that you don't communicate well. I don't think that's the case, you've communicated yourself very, very well here. You explained very well exactly what your frustrations are and what you want. It wouldn't surprise me if the two of you have problems communicating together, but I wouldn't say it's 'your fault'; clearly, you can communicate. I will say that often men and women have difficulty communicating together (that blasted Mars/Venus thing) and I'll go a step further and say that often talking about subjects like intimacy, sex, closeness and individual wants and needs in those areas can be difficult and strained. I know I've personally struggled sentence by sentence through those kinds of talks. Sometimes it feels like the 'right' thing to do is to just say "forget it!", of course, that doesn't resolve your problem, so you struggle on. *sigh*
You said that he teases and comes on to you all day, then puts you off at bedtime. Can you explain exactly what happens here? What does he do that teases and comes on to you, and how does he put you off at bedtime? Have you ever talked to him about this when you're not currently being turned down or currently frustrated with the situation? It may be hard, but talking to him when things are nice and easy and calm, no issues between you would enable you to have what may be a difficult discussion (if not for you, perhaps for him) without either of you feeling blamed or emotionally charged about it. Talking when the pressure's off is the time to talk about it. Here are some articles that contain some very good advice for discussing issues:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You LoveTen Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
I'm also wondering if he has a performance problem. Could it be that he teases you because he thinks he will be able to perform only to find that he can't, or perhaps he's afraid to try because he's afraid he won't be able to perform? Has he ever had performance issues with you?
You said this isn't about sex, but about closeness, so why aren't you going to bed with him just to snuggle? That's closeness, and it can lead to sex.
For what it's worth, if he was coming on to you all day then turned you down, and if this is something he does with regularity, I don't blame you for being frustrated enough to tell him to take a hike. Not only is it frustrating, but it's demeaning. Obviously, it's not productive if it's not what you really meant, but understandable. Perhaps this will be an eye-opener for him as to just how serious this problem is to you? One last question -- how long have you been together?
I'll be checking back for your answers.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for the great responses. I am trying to get my head together enough to call him and apologize for saying what I said to him because that was a rotten thing to say and very counterproductive. I am not, however, going to apologize for the way that I feel. I see a couple of really big red flags here. Judging from my past relationship experiences where I ignored those flags and the outcome was not good, I don't feel like I can ignore them regardless of how much I care or love him. When we went away Sat. night I was touching him and just loving on him and he said "wait till Sunday night when you aren't on the rag anymore." I was a bit disappointed but let it go. Then Sunday, we did work in my yard all day so I can understand why he was so tired. In hindsight I should have just let it all go. But all day he was trying to get into my bikini top, kissing me on the breast part that was hanging out, kissing my neck, touching me etc. That was great, but I told him in a half joking manner "don't do that unless you mean it." Then, we go to bed and it's like he's worn out, exhausted, and then I won't see him again for several days because of where each of us lives. Judging from the last time we didn't see each other for several days, the same kind of situation happened then. The cuddling aspect is great, but I really want for our sex life to be as good as the rest of our relationship. He is very affectionate and I am too, so there is no problem there. We both need affection and attention and we understand that about each other. And the answer is yes to the performance problem. So much so that he has a prescription. He says that that is all in his head--which I'm not sure what exactly that means. He obviously cares enough about this issue that he called his doctor about it. We have been together for 7 months, but have known each other for almost three years. We were friends for two years before we got into a "romantic" relationship. We never had a problem talking before, but now it's different. Now there is the added pressure of intimacy if that makes any sense. I believe that I do know how to communicate--but sometimes I think my tongue can be forked and I come off sounding angry, or in his words, like a smart-ass when that is not my intention. The other night I was hurt and it just came tumbling out. I regret that. And we have talked very little about this--it's almost like he knows it's there--I know it's there, but we just can't talk about it and try to come together with either solutions of how WE are going to move forward and grow, or decide that we are truly sexually incompatible and go our separate ways. Life is too short for either him or me to be miserable. I don't want that for him--he deserves to be happy--as do I. I also know him well enough to know that if, and I say if, we are even going to try to salvage the relationship, it is going to be me that is going to have to make the move by calling him or going to see him. I just can't do it right now. Any time there is an issue, he says that I don't respect him and he expects respect. He even went so far as to say that he had to put up with that kind of treatment when he was married. Yes, he threw that at me which was a really ugly thing to say that I never got any kind of apology for. I understand that and I do respect him very much. But how much respect am I getting when he won't listen to me? or tells me that I'm building things up in my head? I'm thinking by now it may be a mute point because he is most likely very hurt, maybe a bit angry and feeling that I should have already called him to apologize and that I just don't care enough to do that--which is not true. I also know that by now, knowing him the way I do and knowing about his past relationships, that apology or anything else I have to say will fall on deaf ears.
Or it may be that he thinks you've made up your mind and is gearing himself up for that.
Remember that while you should apologize for your actions, you shouldn't apologize for your feelings.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Men disassociate rather well, which is probably what he's done. It avoids hurt on his part.
I hope your talk went well.
Jen
Oh, I have an opinion about the pictures.... ;)
Your husband died, you loved him, and you have children from that marriage. It is totally and completely appropriate to have a few pictures up. I think this is really HIS insecurities talking... Now, I would have pictures of your husband with the kids up, not the pcitures of the two of you. I know my dad still has our big family picture hanging up even though he is remarried AND none of us live at home with him. Your husband is a part of who you are and your life now. He always will be because you have his children. And them seeing that you aren't just shuttling their dad away, even though he died, for the "new guy" is a great thing.
As a small compromise, you could put pictures in their rooms and then just have one or two out around the house. But if you only have one or two, and they aren't huge and in a major place of prominence, I don't think it's a problem.
I would also suggest counseling so you can get through the guilt.
Jen
It sounds like you had a really good, honest discussion, and that's great! It's the only way any improvement can happen, it's a big step and a big change. A very good beginning.
As far as him not treating you a specific way because of his experience with others; yes, you're absolutely right about that, but knowing it and doing it are two very different things. If your experience was bad and/or dysfunctional you may know you should treat this person differently, but actually doing it may not be something that's doable. I know I was there at one point. After years of a verbally abusive, alcoholic marriage I knew how I should open up any more able to bring myself to actually do that then I was to step off a cliff. In fact, trying to make myself open up felt very much like trying to step off a cliff. When your issues are interfering with your relationship that much there's only one thing to do: therapy. I knew I needed it anyway, and the fact that I knew as long as I went untreated I would be unable to have the kind of relationship I wanted to have gave me the push to make that first appointment. Your guy sounds like he's in the same place -- old stuff getting in the way of his actions; it's time to take care of the old stuff. If you haven't worked on your stuff (separation and death, guilt, abusive relationship) in therapy yet, it's time for you to do the same.
As far as you saying he will not full give himself over to you, I don't know exactly what you mean so I'm not able to comment, but I will tell you the statement throws up red flags for me. Hopefully, with further explanation it won't sound like you're expecting too much.
I agree 100% with Jen on the picture issue. The issue is his and is based in insecurity. We've had women post about the same problem, but in reverse -- the new husband has photos of his ex out on display. Some have said it makes them feel they're competing or that they'll never be able to measure up. I tell you that so you can understand what he might be feeling. But, I would still tell you to absolutely not take them down. If you do you're catering to his insecurity and that's enabling him not to deal with it where it belongs -- with him. Not only that, I think you'd feel pretty guilty and wrong for taking them down, not only would it feel like you're doing your children a disservice, but it might also make you feel like you're saying the time with your husband meant nothing, and I know that's not true. You might remind him that the pictures are simply a reminders of a good time in your life and a tribute to the father of your children. I would remind him that there is no competition and that you were separated at the time of his death. I would also remind him that if he were your husband you would keep pictures of him up as well. I know someone who's husband of 30-some years still carries the high school photo of his high school sweetheart in his wallet. She thinks it's sweet and a tribute to the kind of heart her husband has. Your husband is not there, your boyfriend is; he should remember that. This issue will also resolve itself in therapy.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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