What to do?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
What to do?????
12
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:39am
What am I gonna do??? I am 40 and my bf is 48. I know I have a higher sex drive than him and it is really causing problems. That and I obviously don't know how to communicate. I believe that I have lost him at this point because last night I was really hurt after he had teased and come on to me all day and then when it was time to go to bed, he put me off. This happens alot. I told him when he was going to leave not to come back. That was a fatal mistake on my part because I love him and don't want things to be like this--and truly believe he will not come back. I told him that he builds things up only to put me off. His repsonse was that I build things up in my own head. So, I guess it is all me and all in my head and I shouldn't want intimacy with the person I love. I guess that set me off. I told him he must not really love me if he doesn't even want me. We haven't made love in a week and a half and he lives 50 miles from my house so we really don't get to see each other that much. We've only been together 7 months and I figured this early in the relationship that we would be all over each other. Still, I should not have said what I said. But, too, it seems like every time there is an issue it is automatically me causing it, or in my head or whatever. We went away Sat. night for an overnight and some alone time and I was hoping for maybe a little romance and passion or something. I was on my period but it had slacked off and we have made love before when it was slack like that. He was asleep at 10:30 and I sat up alone and watched tv. That was no big deal, but not what I would have liked to have happen. We can't have intimate time when the mood strikes him when we are at my house because I have two teenagers and he is afraid they will walk in on us. So we always have to wait and by the time we go to bed most of the time he is worn out. Or at least that is what he says--so I'm put off again. It really hurts and I don't understand. I don't know if we will ever be able to get it to work because while we are great together in every other way, we are sexually incompatible. I need that closeness and connection with him--that is what he doesn't seem to understand. This is not about s-e-x. If I just wanted to hop in the sack I'm sure I could go out and pick up someone for a one-nighter. I have never been that way and don't want to be. It is about the bonding of two people who love each other. That's why it hurts so much.......I don't want to be without him and I know what I said last night was hateful and hurtful. We have not talked today which is unusual and I should call him--but I don't know what to say. This is an important issue and it seems like I always back down and give in even when I know that the issue needs to be dealt with. I'm just sick today--can't even function and feel like I have probably lost the best thing that ever happened to me.......

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
In reply to: mminva
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 9:26am
After I wrote that I thought I probably should have clarified it. What I mean by "giving himself over" is his ability to separate me from any of his other relationships and love me without condition. He says I am the love of his life. I have a hard time believing that when every time there is a conflict I get the distinct feeling he is going to bail out at any given moment. He is "blocking" me in a sense because he is not willing to let go of what has happened before and he is afraid that if he loves me with his whole self he is going to get hurt or he is going to be treated a certain way, get pissed off and bail. Either way, it seems like he needs to have that loophole--that option to bail at any time for any reason. I have thought and thought about this and I don't know if I can deal with that. Maybe I am wrong, but I haven't seen him since Tuesday night when we talked but I talk to him several times a day on the phone and I can't help but get this overwhelming sick feeling of strain and that he is just one step closer to bailing out. And I feel he will not let go of what happened Sunday night and what I said and that will be just another good reason to bail when the time comes. I have been in therapy--I know that he will not even consider going. The strain is stressing me out--doesn't seem to be bothering him at all. Again, he is ignoring it or whatever because he knows what his course of action is if things don't "shape up" to his standards or satisfaction. This is the first time we have been in conflict where it hasn't seemed to bother him much. We very rarely fight so major conflicts haven't come up but a few times. But, they were doosies when it happened. I don't know, but I can't continue living under this fear. I don't want to lose him--he is a wonderful and special man--and he is good to me, but I'm not sure we should be in a relationship together at this point.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mminva
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 3:38am

Okay, I better understand your "giving himself over" statement and I'm happy to say it's not what I was afraid it was. Phew! I do, however, have some thoughts on what you've said. At seven months into the relationship, it may be that he's simply not ready to jump in with both feet because it's still quite early in the game and there's more that both of you have to discover about each other before you really know each other fully. Holding out a bit, I think, is very wise at this point in the relationship. Not only that, but you've indicated there are some pretty significant problems and roadblocks (sex drive differences for instance), if he sees these problems and differences as having the potential to end the relationship, it wouldn't be wise to dive in, would it? I don't think so! But, I'm also hearing you say that he has some baggage from past relationships and that is affecting him also. You've also said he would not go to therapy/counseling. So....what I'm hearing you say is there's this guy who's got issues but won't deal with them and at this point anyway, shows no indication of ever being willing to work on those issues. This is a guy you want to dive in with feet first? I understand you care a lot for him, and I'm sure there is much that's good in your relationship, but these are significant checkmarks on the bad side of things. To me, a guy who indicates he's not willing to deal with issues and isn't willing to consider counseling or therapy is a pretty significant warning sign. If he won't get help for himself, even when he's seeing that his issues are affecting his relationship, and you know he won't be willing to seek counseling as a couple if problems arise, the chance of a healthy, happy relationship are pretty severely hampered. I can't say I'd be willing to consider a serious relationship with someone who wasn't willing to seek professional help as needed.


You're concerned because you get the feeling that he needs the ability to bail at any time. We all have the ability to bail at any time. Maybe what you're saying is that you get the feeling his place in the relationship is unsteady enough that you expect him to bail at any time or you expect he could bail at any time? If that's true, expecting him to give himself over is unrealistic. And, being fully invested in the relationship yourself would be pretty reckless too. Maybe you want more than he's willing to give right now? Maybe you want more than he's willing to give, period?


What I hear you saying is that you've had a good talk, cleared some things up and have put yourselves on the path (hopefully) for clearer, more honest and direct communication. I think that's where the telling's going to come from. Either you'll agree and understand or you won't, and if you don't, you know what that means; it's not workable.


In the meantime, I suggest you recognize that there's no point in stressing over whether he's sticking around or not. Worrying over it won't change it and won't help it, it'll only make you anxious, stressed and hyper-sensitive to every move he makes. Don't live under the fear. Know it's not in your control. Instead of worrying about making this right, making this work, losing such a great guy take another approach. Realize that this is the time for you to take a step back (in your mind) and see what happens. This is where you watch to see how he responds, whether he steps up to the communication you've opened, whether he works towards the changes you've discussed and the issues you've brought to light or not. Instead of worrying that he's going to bail, take a look to see if he does what he needs to do to make this the right thing for you, that's what really matters. If he bails, clearly he wasn't right, wasn't up for doing what needed to be done. Great guy or not, that means he wasn't "great" enough. If he doesn't bail but also doesn't do anything differently than he has done, again, you know he's not what you want and need. Don't make him out to be the great guy that you'd hate to lose, know that if he's right he'll stay and he'll do what needs to be done to make it right. If he doesn't, it wasn't what you'd hoped it could be.


Meanwhile, work on yourself in therapy to get that baggage dropped and the "clean up" (as I call it for myself) done. The only person you can really do anything about is yourself, that's where your focus needs to be. Don't put the cart before the horse, let him show you he's what you hope he is, or show you that he's not.


What do you think?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages