What to do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
What to do???
3
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 4:04pm

How do you know it's time to go? I've been with my husband for 7 years (married 4). Yes we are young, both 25. I know when you're young, you think you know who you are and what you want and then people grow and change. It just seems like I'm to a point now where I could care less if he comes home anymore. He's so hrutful sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I have stayed, not for my daughters sake (I don't believe that's best for children), but because I do understand why he behaves the way he does, but isn't there a time in everyones life when they say to themself, "Hey, I'm 25 years old, why the h*ll am I acting like a 5 year old?"

I could go on and on about that crap that has happened, but I would hate to bore you. I do love him and we both have had hellish childhoods (mine I do believe was worse then his), but I am willing to work on myself (start consuling in 2 weeks), but he refuses to see his problems / faults and continues to blame everyone else in his life for everything. In the past 7 years, I have heard him own up to only a few of his mistakes. What to do, what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 8:35pm

Wow...I think this is exactly what people refer to as a "prison of marriage". It sounds unfulfilling, unsupportive and emotionally stifling- NOT what I'm sure you signed up for.
I truly believe people shouldn't even consider marriage anymore until at least late, late 20's or 30's. Leave the marriage contract alone and just date, use birth control and then leave something if it turns out bad. But for some reason people still have this idea in their heads that they're supposed tie the knot in their early 20's, which just doesn't work anymore in the quick fix culture we have. It worked in the 50's but there were also a lot of closet alcholics then trying to live phony happy married lives.

I'm sorry for your daughter for sure, but you sound for all the world like an articulate, intelligent woman who has a lot going for her. You are even going to counseling! That takes maturity and wisdom. However, why aren't you two going to couple's counseling? Is he "above" that? From what you say, he has some kind of personality problem that manifests itself in never being able to take accountability for his actions. People like that are not a joy to be around- they are spirit killers.

You have a lot of thinking and soul searching to do. It sounds like a loveless marriage, which doesn't make it hopeless. However, the only hope involves willingness from BOTH parties to make it right. If he doesn't want to join you or take a hard look at how he contributes to this, then you can either stay in misery or leave and work on yourself so the next time you choose marriage, it will be with somebody who knows himself and thus can be a good husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:16pm

Welcome to the board, Toomuchcrap ~


I agree with you on all fronts - the fact that teenagers and young 20-somethings don't yet know what it is that will be right for them when they are fully mature (and don't yet know what their counterparts are going to evolve into for that matter), as well as your feeling that staying together for the sake of the child can be a disservice to the child. Unfortunately, much as I wish it did, understanding and believing those things won't change your situation.


You wouldn't be boring us with details of some of his behaviors and the problems you have, it's why we're here. It also helps us get an understanding of what specifically is going on in your relationship and with that we may well be able to offer insights you hadn't realized, suggest different ways of dealing with the issues you're confronted with and hopefully making things a little smoother. Why does he behave the way he does? And how does he behave, anyway?


The line of when it's time to go is a personal one, we'd all be a little different on what we'd be willing to tolerate and how long we'd be willing to put up with it, but you already know that, I'm sure. I think seeing a counselor is a very smart choice to make and I think it will be a tremendous help to you, I know it was/is for me. I think you'll resolve your own issues and will almost certainly come to a conclusion on the very issue you're wrestling with here - whether to stay or go. I also think your husband may move towards counseling himself by having you as an example (you never know!) and while you can't change him, I know there are some tools you can learn in counseling that will change his behavior somewhat and may cause a dramatic change in your relationship in general.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:22pm

Totally agree with you on your marriage timeline. Not only have we not stopped maturing until our mid to late 20's, but we haven't had time on this earth that's required to acquire the experience to know what's what, and what you want.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"