What to do.... divorce or stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
What to do.... divorce or stay?
8
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 4:54pm

Hubby and I have been married 2 years in april. We have had our share of ups mostly downs. Stupidly I do love him. My friend are confused as to why because he goes off the deep end at times and becomes a complete ass. He also has an addiction to online chatting an hook up sites. (See past posts) Then there is the no sex thing. We, despite all of it are great together, we play, flirt and have fun with each other. He can be very sweet and is always buying me little surprises.....although on special occassion he doesn't because he says thats when things are expected and to him its better to get surprises unexpectedly. Anywho, the problem is now I have my brother to think of. I have a brother with Downs Syndrome whom I have helped care for since I was 5 years old. My Mom died this past June and he now lives with me and my husband, at my husbands insistance mind you. He said he understood my obligation and love for my brother but now I think he is jealous.

Malificient

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 5:21pm
Look if he's addicted to hook up sites and chatting with other women all the time, he's already emotionally cheating on you, and don't be so sure that he hasn't or won't in the future "hook up" with one of these cyber women IF the opportunity presents itself. What he is doing is totally inappropriate for a married man no matter what he tells you. And it sounds like he's somewhat mentally abusive to your disabled brother.. I'm sorry but your H sounds like a very selfish person that cares a lot more about himself than you or your disabled brother. Your right that the writing is on the wall.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 5:41pm
I totally agree. I am just at that place where I know what to do and what I need to do I just can't take that step. Divorce, never to sleep in the same bed with my husband, never to share a kiss or embrace again. I love him. I am that stupid Jerry Springer girl sitting there with 10 women my husband has slept with still saying "but I love him Jerry".......When did I become sooooo stupid.

Malificient

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Thu, 01-27-2011 - 1:09am
You may not be able to leave while you still are in love with him. The question is going to be how much you can take of no sex, his dating site addition and treating your brother the way he does before you finally stop loving him? There's something in you that really pumps up those positive things he does and really minimizes the significant negative behaviors, and that is part of the issue. I'm curious, did you grow up being mistreated or abandoned in some way, and is there some part of you that feels unable to find love with someone who doesn't cheat and does want to have sex with you? What have your other past romantic relationships been like and how did they end?
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 01-27-2011 - 1:57am
There will come a day when you will come to the end of you're rope and decide that you've had all you can take and that you love yourself and your brother more than you love him. That will be the day you will be strong enough to leave. I wish you strength when that day comes.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 3:21am

A very belated welcome back, Malificent ~

First, my deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 12:16pm

His bad side is a dealbreaker for any self respecting person. Yes, love doesn't conquer all. Your feelings of love are irrelevant.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 11:29pm

Blue Orchid makes a good point.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 7:07am

hi,

at the risk of stating the obvious and saying something i dont believe you want to hear - what do you love about this man?

can you list some things because there doesnt seem to be much about him with regard to acting like a decent husband and looking out for your best interests.

any divorce/separation is upsetting and not something to consider lightly but, if you truly cant envisage your husband changing, cant see him taking responsibility for his 'issues', cant see him trying to change, then you know the answer yourself,

whist it is hard to separate, it does get better, and its better to live alone than to live with, quite frankly, an insensitive reckless man also known as husband in your case.

good luck with your decision - remember, sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to start climbing back up