What do I do?
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| Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:44pm |
Ok, ok, ok. I know this is a women's website primarily. You usually have more insight to stuff like this so I figured who better to ask, right?
My girlfriend just went through a divorce. She'd been separated for 2 years and it just happened. Kids involved, etc. We started dating prior to divorce (about 4 months ago); the divorce was a month ago. We'd been intimate early on and fell in love quickly.
Now, we haven't been intimate in 2 1/2 months. She didn't feel like she could handle the pressure of the impending divorce; family trouble with sister; ex was being a real jerk and I said ok...no sex. I can wait. Now the divorce has come and gone, she and the ex are dealing with the kids ok and she still wants me at arms length. It's not all about sex; I realize that. So I continue to be patient. She says she loves me and doesn't know when she'll be ready to open back up again. We've never spent the night together due to custody rules even though the opportunity now presents itself every other weekend when he has the kids.
We love each other. I at this time want more from her than she's willing to give; but I am not pushing her. I give the requested space. Usually my going to her house involves some household project; I've rebuilt part of her fence and a gate; put up a shed and done many other things she couldn't do alone. Sometimes I feel like the handyman instead of the boyfriend. I haven't seen her in 4 days and we only live 4 miles apart. Sometimes when the kids are in bed we snuggle on the couch and she'll fall asleep on my chest and I'll just hold her stroking her hair or back. I can almost count the "intimate" kisses in the last month. The love is there...but intimacy is fading. We'd talked earlier on about marriage and even picked out land to build a house on. Her family loves me and I especially love the kids. They're 2 and 3. They love me as well...run to my arms when I come through the door.
So...all of these wonderful resources out there...
What do I do?
I love this woman and would like to get us back on track.
HELP!
John

There is a risk you take when you date someone who's separated or not divorced long.
John, my gut instinct tells me that she's not as committed to this relationship as you are. Either that, or not as in love.
I am the type of person who normally tackles a problem head on, so with that in mind I suggest that you tell her what you told us. There could potentially be many different results from having this talk, but at least you'd know where you stand.
I understand you not wanting to push her, but you're holding back at the detriment of your own happiness. Not a good thing. Tell her how you feel and have her make some decisions.
John,
I agree wholeheartedly with the other posters on this one.
Much as you didn't hear want you wanted, I totally agree with what you've been told.
I would say you provided exactly what she needed during her divorce, but now she's finding (even if she hasn't consciously realized it) that she doesn't have those same needs. It's unfortunate, but very common. As has already been said, it's the risk you take when you choose to get involved with someone who's in the middle of or freshly out of a divorce.
I agree that you deserve much more than a one-sided relationship, you deserve someone who wants a real boyfriend, not a handyman. Having a boyfriend around to take care of manual labor and to lean on when you need it is great, but it gives you little to nothing. I know you care for this woman, but you're not getting back what you need, you're not in a "real" relationship. Settling for this is not okay, and continuing to settle is more likely to have her see you in a lesser position than it is apt to have her come around to seeing you as a boyfriend again.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you. As of yesterday afternoon on my way to work we're broken up.
I appreciate your attention.
John
Hi John;
I can relate a couple of things you are seeing to my expereinces. I was on the other side of your situation. Separation and then with someone much too quickly, and much too deeply after.
The way divorce works is that you tend to need different things during and after the process. This is why conventional thinking is.... if you are divorcing....DO NOT jump into another marriage right away, and if you are dating....DO NOT date someone that has not been divorced a year (or at least separated for a couple). These are high risk situations for heartache and failure.
For me, and it sounds like potentially for your GF, I needed someone to love me, accept me, be nice to me, be willing to help bolster my spirits when I was down about the divorce process, and generally help me believe again that love is possible. Sounds kind of basic but this "medicine" was very powerful once I found someone that would give it to me. Our relationship was built on this dynamic.
Then as time went on and the process started to resolve itself, I found my needs changing. I was becoming the old Orangecuse44...the one that existed before my marriage became a disaster, and I did not need the divorce process "medicine" nor all the constant emotional drama that this post-separation relationship was based on. She was expecting me to be like I was during the divorce process and I was becoming someone she did not know. Not in big dramatic ways but in the basic emotional flow of our relaitonship.
As a result I started to pull away. Fortunately we both recognized this dynamic in our relationship and that we were no longer getting what we needed from each other and we parted amicably.
So it sounds to me like she knows that you guys are not gonna make it, maybe can not quite admit it to herself, and is not yet confident enough in herself and her future.... so she is perseverating. It is not hard to have the handyman relationship and you are not making demands, so she is not required to make any hard decisions and she got a new shed and fence.
I would not get too focused on what happened in the past, remember her life is undergoing major changes. You are not at a point where you are planning marriage and buying land to build a house together --- forget you were even there, pretend that was with someone else. You are with someone that is transitioning in her life, trying to figure out who she really is, what is important to her, and what the next part of her life will look like. She already test drove one option with you and is not buying. So IMO it is your choice you can (1) hang around and see how she turns out, with no guarantees and I would say a high probability of failure --- understanding that for your sake you need recast this relationship as a casual dating one (limited handyman stuff and hangingout together outside of her couch and away from her kids), or you can (2) move on with your life and find someone that knows what they want and wants the same things that you do.
You sound like a nice person and you no doubt played a very important role in her life in helping her to heal (a very generous gift). Pat yourself on the back for being a good human being. You deserve to be with someone that loves and appreciates your patient and giving nature (not to mention your handyman skills) ;<)
Best Wishes to you, P.
I'm sorry John. I know it's not what you wanted.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"