what do i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
what do i do?
16
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 2:04pm
ok im new to the boards.. my fiance told me about another site which brought me here. so here i am... ive been reading through a few messages and i actually think this will help me with some outside advice. so here it goes here is my story...
OK first off we are a "blended family" he has 2 beatiful lil girls and i have a daughter of my own. We got engaged in March. We are both new to this we dont live together he has his place i have mine my daughter is with me all week except for fridays and he has his girls on occasion usually 3 times a week,,, now i know noone said this would be easy and i must admit that in the beginning it was a bit hard for both of us with trust issues,,, we both have been through alot that i guess we blame each other or try to fix things on the surface and not get to the root of the problem. I had to let him know what was bothering me as far as bringing up my past and me bringing up his past and i must admit that it has worked our communication has gotten much better... but i do have a problem with my anger... he is the most wonderful person u could ever meet even people that first meet him are just enlighten by his presence and i often ask myself why do i have to be mean to him.. because i am.. and i know i am... i will give u a example,,,, over the weekend i got very mad over what seems now the smallest most dumbest thing but at the time i felt hurt for better lack of words.. that i got off the car and walked home and im talking about a very long walk home it took me 4 hours to get to my home... (now u may ask why not take the cab or bus.. lol well let me tell u i had the wrong purse with me.. no atm no cash no nothing.... please tell me im not the only one that forgets to transfer important things like that to new purse ur gonna carry??),,, well anyway yes i walked home and i did alot of thinking,,, right when i got off the car he begged and pleaded with me not to go but i still went... now he couldnt go after me becasue he is a basketball coach and his kids were waiting when we got there,,, now i know he hasnt been the only one to tell me that i should seek help.. ive heard it on more than one occasion .. but i really dont think i do.. maybe im in denial,,,,or my pride is to big for that,,,, i feel like i dont need a dr.. and i feel insulted and even hurt at the thought of that,,,,he even offered to go with me and for himself so it can be a team effort but i was in awe when he said that does he really think i need help??? there is much more to this story and if i get responses i will give u more details... PLEASE HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 2:38pm

It's hard to say right off the bat if I think you need counseling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 2:52pm
well ok i go with him every saturday to his practices... and i usually do take my car to his house becasue i pick my daughter up after and he picks up his girls aswell,,,, well when he went back to his house to get ready (becasue he had taken me to brunch before) he said to me " do u want to take ur truck since i do have to get the girls, and u have to get ur daughter"... well ok looking back at it now it was no biggie but at the time it escalated or i should say i escalated the issue... he was just trying to be nice so i wouldnt be late picking up my daughter(so he later explain but at the time i wasnt hearing it) all i heard was what i wanted to hear and the way i took it was like he really didnt want me there or like if i was gonna come between his plans,,, make sense?
there was another occasion where i attempted to walk home.. but he followed me .. and i made a scene that someone called the police and he was almost arrested... ;/ yes i know,,, so i dont blame him but when i walked (or attempted to walk that day) was becasue we were eating and my phone went off and he wanted to see my phone... i have no problem as i have nothing to hide but i got mad becasue he wanted to see my phone what for i dont know... but i got upset because i felt like he didnt trust me and that was a big issue for me that i gave him my phone so he can see it but before i gave him the phone i told him "if i give u my phone dont ever call me again"....
he has never been mean to me... as a matter of fact i feel like royalty when im around him.. he caresses my face and he looks at me like noone has ever,,, he has told me that i just take adv but yet he continues to be him... meaning he is so caring so loving and he cares about nothing but my happiness,,, and to be honest noone has ever made me feel the way he does... could it be that i really am taking adv of him?... when he comes to my office he always brings me flowers or candy or a simple card.. he opens the doors for me kisses my forehead(which makes me melt by the way) bought me the most beautiful engagement ring... cares for my daughter like if she was his... he has nver once disrespected me... calls me to see how i am.(that i take wrong aswell.. like if he is dictating my life) is that wrong of me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:40pm

Based on what you said of Saturday's "incident", yes, I think you overreacted badly. If you normally react this way then yes, most definitely get into counseling.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:56pm
i guess i was in denial and i needed to vent and let others (other than my family know what im going thrugh) thank u for ur input i will def look into it,,, once again.. thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 4:23pm

Thank you for sharing the rest of your story.


Based on what you're saying, you do appear to have serious anger issues and are unable to manage your feelings.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 4:31pm
thank u sooooooo much kimbirdy for ur advice.... i was well emotioanl when i read it i cry easily when touched like that and u def touch me i am so glad i am here,,, i can vent and feel free to describe exactly what im feeling when ur hearing it from outsiders.. thank u so much,,, i will seek ur advice,,, i do love him and i know that i have to deal with issues that i have ... i will keep u posted,,,, he deserves better. on my way to find my spoon ;/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 4:33pm

I wish you all the luck in the world -- it can be a tough journey at first, but stick with it and you'll get to that spoon!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 5:01pm

I love that thought of finding a spoon!

I'm glad you are going to look into counselling. I think it will be great and you will find a new love for life.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 5:06pm
yes i will def look into it,,, i know now that i was in denial perhaps i thought i was just the "perfect" one and that everyone else had the issues not me... i guess what im afraid of is learning more about myself what if at the end of the day i dont like the person i have become? i always tried to be the best at everything i never had the guts to quit maybe it comes from a deeper source within me that i have yet to explore or dont know... i guess i always tried to please everyone else that i forgot about me along the way till my fiance came along and made me love me for me.. or showed me a diffrent side of me. I must tell u that i have been reading some of the advice u have given out and i like ur way of thinking very precise,,, thank u.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 6:22pm

Thanks! I have to be precise because I don't know how long I have to sit at the keyboard at any given moment, lol!

Jen

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