what do i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
what do i do?
16
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 2:04pm
ok im new to the boards.. my fiance told me about another site which brought me here. so here i am... ive been reading through a few messages and i actually think this will help me with some outside advice. so here it goes here is my story...
OK first off we are a "blended family" he has 2 beatiful lil girls and i have a daughter of my own. We got engaged in March. We are both new to this we dont live together he has his place i have mine my daughter is with me all week except for fridays and he has his girls on occasion usually 3 times a week,,, now i know noone said this would be easy and i must admit that in the beginning it was a bit hard for both of us with trust issues,,, we both have been through alot that i guess we blame each other or try to fix things on the surface and not get to the root of the problem. I had to let him know what was bothering me as far as bringing up my past and me bringing up his past and i must admit that it has worked our communication has gotten much better... but i do have a problem with my anger... he is the most wonderful person u could ever meet even people that first meet him are just enlighten by his presence and i often ask myself why do i have to be mean to him.. because i am.. and i know i am... i will give u a example,,,, over the weekend i got very mad over what seems now the smallest most dumbest thing but at the time i felt hurt for better lack of words.. that i got off the car and walked home and im talking about a very long walk home it took me 4 hours to get to my home... (now u may ask why not take the cab or bus.. lol well let me tell u i had the wrong purse with me.. no atm no cash no nothing.... please tell me im not the only one that forgets to transfer important things like that to new purse ur gonna carry??),,, well anyway yes i walked home and i did alot of thinking,,, right when i got off the car he begged and pleaded with me not to go but i still went... now he couldnt go after me becasue he is a basketball coach and his kids were waiting when we got there,,, now i know he hasnt been the only one to tell me that i should seek help.. ive heard it on more than one occasion .. but i really dont think i do.. maybe im in denial,,,,or my pride is to big for that,,,, i feel like i dont need a dr.. and i feel insulted and even hurt at the thought of that,,,,he even offered to go with me and for himself so it can be a team effort but i was in awe when he said that does he really think i need help??? there is much more to this story and if i get responses i will give u more details... PLEASE HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 6:27pm

I didn't read the replies you have gotten so far, but I just want to replay your words so you have an idea of what others see....

::but i do have a problem with my anger

So this is a fact, but you don't want help with it?

::im talking about a very long walk home it took me 4 hours to get to my home

This is pride/ego - cutting off your nose to spite your face - to make a point

::now i know he hasnt been the only one to tell me that i should seek help.. ive heard it on more than one occasion .. but i really dont think i do.. maybe im in denial,,,,or my pride is to big for that,,,, i feel like i dont need a dr.. and i feel insulted and even hurt at the thought of that

Pride/ego makes us not want to look at ourselves, keeps us where we are, and makes us wrong and feel bad about ourselves.

::,,,,he even offered to go with me and for himself so it can be a team effort but i was in awe when he said that does he really think i need help???

So many people would love it if there significant other would go with them, present a united front, want to help them....


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 12:26am

Hang on, Motherof3stars ~ This isn't adding up for me. I think there's a lot more here than what we understand, at least I'm not willing to go along with what you've been told so far without knowing more, there's been too much that's unknown and been assumed, IMO.


Why did he want to look at your cell phone? The implication is that he suspected you were getting a call from another guy, and frankly, you should have been offended that he asked to see it. Is he sometimes (or generally) suspicious? Great that he brings you flowers, etc., at work, but that doesn't make him Mr. Wonderful, it only makes him "Mr. Seem-to-be-wonderful", and sometimes those things can make you feel like he's Mr. Wonderful and you're nuts to question anything, especially when everyone around you is telling you what a great guy you have, how lucky you are, etc. There's a lot more to a relationship than flowers and gifts. From the way you talk it sounds like you're in the beginning of your relationship, but you call him your fiance, which makes it appear that you've been together for a long time. How long have you been together? What else causes the two of you problems? In the walking home incident that you described, what went on in the car before you got out? You must have talked and argued. Was he just trying to explain what he meant? Was he yelling back at you? What was going on? How did that scene play out?


And yep, I'm famous for not transferring everything over when I decide to switch purses, making a switch is deadly for me, especially if I switch regularly from a "work purse" to a "weekend purse". Try getting to work early then having to stand outside for a half hour because you work keys are in your "other" purse.


I'll be checking back for your answers, thanks in advance!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 2:51pm
ok here i am..
ok to answer ur questions.... he wanted to see my cell phone becasue he thought it might have been another male calling me.... he has trust issues his ex put him through alot but he was still with her for his daughters sake until he couldnt take it anymore,,, (they are 4 and 5) and we have been together for a year and 6 months and we got engaged this past march.
HE says he trusts me but his actions say otherwise... im gonna try my best to recap.
when he and i met i had only had 2 bf both which were over 5 years commitment,, but only was intimate with my daughters dad(ofcourse) ive never been one to be with this one and that one.. so naturally when my ex and i didnt work out i was a bit timid i guess to just bring whoever around my daughter as any good mother should... so i took my time with it,, and we would go out and see each other and have a good time... he would ask to be around my daughter and i prolonged it i guess becasue thats not who i am ... and i figured that if this was meant to be he would see that im not the "hoochie" type or that i have a lot of bf or whatever but no he didnt understand that,, he took it as if i was hiding something,,, even though now ofcourse he has met all my family including my daughter,,, we have all been out togteher and done "family" things so i dont see why he is still insecure,, he has met my family he has been to my home he has been around my daughter i said "yes to marry him so what am i missing?
And as far as the whole flowers and gestures he does. i have complimented him on that and i told him not to compare but noone has ever made me feel that way just how attentive he is... oh and when he asked to see my cell,,, he asked me infront of his brother which is why it bothered me becasue he is supposed to trust me right? and not let me look like a fool right? or am i wrong?
then not so long ago he told me that he would feel better if he just had his number(my daughters dad) and i kept saying what for? as i didnt see there was an issue he has nothing to do with the fact that i am with him and not my daughters dad.. well that caused problems as well becasue i wouldnt give it to him and that went on for i would say a few months till i gave in and gave it to him.,. i figured ok i have nothing to hide no biggie here ya go.,,, know what i mean.,,,, i thought ggod thats the end of that... till now today he says he wants to meet him that he will feel better and not insecure... MAMA MIA,, now what>>>>>>?????
AND thats where i am today.... i just got frustrated cuz i told him now what... lets say u meet him then what? there will be something else that will arrise.,... is that me thinking negative..? i just hate the arguing i feel like no matter what thimngs i do or show and prove will not be good enough,..... that was this morning,,, now im just sitting here crying feeling frustrated,,, and im sorry that im just ranting and going on an on.. i just need to get this off my chest,,,, am i wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 8:25pm

Please, please do not get out of a vehicle in anger. (unless the driver is intoxicated or recklessly driving)

I used to work with a man who was married with 2 young children. One New Year's Eve, he and his wife went to a party. They argued in the car and she got out to walk. He drove for a couple of minutes and turned around. He looked up and down for her, he assumed she had caught a ride. Instead, she had been a victim of a hit and run driver, probably drunk. She was found dead the next morning in a ditch.

He never forgave himself and her children are motherless.

You're much too valuable a person to have such a horrible tragedy possibly happen to you.

Good luck,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:55pm

Thanks for the extra info, it helps! But, you didn't tell me about the scene in the car, when you got out and walked. Please give me a run down, it's important, okay? Also, is there any routine to when he brings flowers and gifts? Any old time or after an a problem? What kind of things do you argue about? Besides wanting to see your phone, what causes problems in your relationship, or what makes you feel upset, angry, "not right" (like handing over the phone, you know? You say it shouldn't be a big deal, but it feels like a big deal to you, so what else makes you feel like that?)


I'm sorry to keep asking, your answers so far are giving me a much better picture, and I think it's very likely that my thoughts will end up being completely different than what you've heard so far, but I need to have a better "picture" of what your relationship is like. I know he gives you things, I know he's insecure, how else does his insecurity show itself, what else is he like? What bugs you about him or gives you problems in your relationship?


Sorry to keep bugging you for more, I already know some things I'm going to say for sure no matter what else you tell me. I'm not trying to drag this out, but what I'm asking for I think is very important, and without a clear picture, the advice you're given may be totally wrong and unhelpful, or may even make things worse.


Thanks in advance ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 5/12/2006 12:00 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 1:13am

Sorry, I didn't even answer your questions! No, you're not wrong here, you're completely right. His insecurity/jealousy is not going to end or get better if/when he meets your ex. You're exactly right, if/when that happens he'll find something else to be jealous/insecure about. And something else, the cell phone thing? It might not seem like it should be a big deal to you, and I understand that, because, like you said, you haven't done anything wrong and you don't have anything to hide. But it is a big deal, it's a very big deal. It is disrespectful and insulting. It is an invasion of your privacy. It's none of his business to ask (or demand) to see your phone. You shouldn't have to hand it over, you shouldn't be asked to let him look at it. It's your phone, your private life -- which by the way, has nothing to do with him -- and it's none of his business who you talk to. If you'd cheated on him and were in the process of repairing the damage you'd done to the relationship that would be different, but you haven't. Asking to check your phone is saying he doesn't trust you, and that he suspects you're lying and cheating and that's a huge insult to your integrity. It's wrong, he shouldn't do it and you should not, under any circumstances allow it. I have a feeling maybe part of why you yell and get so upset is because it's the only way you can defend yourself against him? Or maybe you're so offended by his veiled accusations that you're taken to that level of anger?


His suspicion, jealousy and insecurity has nothing to do with you. I'm betting he had it before his ex-wife ever came into his life too, but that's just my suspicion. Either way, the thing is you have done nothing (I assume) to give him reason for jealousy/suspicion/insecurity; his issue has nothing to do with you -- although it affects you very much. Nothing you do will stop it, ease it or help him; it's not about you, it's about him. Like you said, if you give in to whatever he needs to "stop the insecurity" he'll just find something else to be insecure about. This is his problem that he needs to deal with, and his dealing with it cannot involve you, it's not about you, it's not caused by you, it's in him. He has to resolve that -- what's in himself.


You're right to be upset that he asks to see your phone, it's offensive and it's a total insult. I wouldn't allow it - ever, period. You're right that having him meet your ex won't resolve anything; it's not about your ex, your ex has nothing to do with this and he never has. You're probably right to have been so upset in the car, but I don't know that because I don't know what happened. I'm hoping you'll give me more info so I can get a feel for that too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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