What do I do to make this better?
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What do I do to make this better?
| Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:13pm |
Hi, I have been married for almost 8 years and we have a 3 1/2 year old son. Both my husband and I work full time. My problem is that with working full time, taking classes online to further my education, taking care of our son, and all household chores are put on my shoulders. My husband comes home from work, eats supper (that I've prepared), takes a shower, and sits down in his chair and either gets on the laptop or watches tv. He doesn't offer to help clean up the kitchen, play with our son or anything. I'm getting frustrated because I work outside of the home just like he does. He will sit and watch me fold clothes, put clothes on the wash, rush to give our son his bath and doesn't offer to help. I don't even ask him to help because he acts like it's such a burden. I have to wait until after my son goes to bed to do my schoolwork because my husband will not offer to do anything that has to be done around the house. On Saturdays, he just wants to sit in his chair and watch tv or sleep. I'm a very passive person- I feel that I have a lot of friends because I'm easy going and go along with the majority. I'm getting very frustrated with the man I love the most.
I just don't know the best way to approach this issue with my husband. any insight will be greatly appreciated.
thanks in advance
I just don't know the best way to approach this issue with my husband. any insight will be greatly appreciated.
thanks in advance

You've got to stop waiting for him to offer and ask him to help you.
The thing is you two are a partnership, not slave and master. You put in the same hours. When you get home from work, you're not off duty, it's just that your job changed. Your job title is now parent, responsible for child and home.
If you have a talk, be sure to speak appropriately, using "I" messages. Making him feel blamed or attacked won't help you. Here are some articles on problem resolution that might be helpful:
Ten Rules For Fair FightingVerbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
Know that it's very easy to fall into the habit of not doing anything, especially if you have someone who will take care of it all. If you don't ask for help, you won't get it; the pattern's already been set for you to take care of it and for him to relax. I've been in a situation where my role was reversed, my husband was out of work and insisted on doing all the household chores, cooking, etc. as his contribution to the family. It took no time at all for me to be right at home with him doing it all; I worked, came home and rested, that's it. When he went back to work, I was ashamed to realize that I felt entitled to doing nothing and actually felt put out that he'd expect me to do anything at all. I sucked it up, said nothing and did what needed to be done, but those feelings were there. If I can feel that way after just a short time, your husband surely feels that way if this has been the unspoken rule of your relationship for a good amount of time. You get what you ask for, and if you don't ask, you'll get nothing more than you have right now.
One more warning: This may not be as easy on you as you think it will be. You'll have to let go of some of the control you have now too, things won't get done the way *you* think they should, and they may not get done when *you* think they should, it'll be hard, but you'll have to let that go. Your son may be upset about daddy giving him a bath, putting him to bed, etc., since it's something that he believes is Mommy's job. New routines are hard on everybody. But, the only way they'll find their own way through the new routine is to bite the bullet, and let your husband handle it, despite your child's tears and cries for Momma. It' best for both of them to have a closer, more hands on relationship and it won't happen if you jump in and "save him" or come to sooth the child. You'll be teaching your husband that he can't handle it and you'll be teaching your son that if he cries loud enough, he'll get what he wants -- Momma will come. Not easy, but necessary.
One more article comes to mind that is appropriate:
Do You Give More Than You Get?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"