What do I do to make this better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
What do I do to make this better?
4
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:13pm
Hi, I have been married for almost 8 years and we have a 3 1/2 year old son. Both my husband and I work full time. My problem is that with working full time, taking classes online to further my education, taking care of our son, and all household chores are put on my shoulders. My husband comes home from work, eats supper (that I've prepared), takes a shower, and sits down in his chair and either gets on the laptop or watches tv. He doesn't offer to help clean up the kitchen, play with our son or anything. I'm getting frustrated because I work outside of the home just like he does. He will sit and watch me fold clothes, put clothes on the wash, rush to give our son his bath and doesn't offer to help. I don't even ask him to help because he acts like it's such a burden. I have to wait until after my son goes to bed to do my schoolwork because my husband will not offer to do anything that has to be done around the house. On Saturdays, he just wants to sit in his chair and watch tv or sleep. I'm a very passive person- I feel that I have a lot of friends because I'm easy going and go along with the majority. I'm getting very frustrated with the man I love the most.
I just don't know the best way to approach this issue with my husband. any insight will be greatly appreciated.
thanks in advance
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:30pm

You've got to stop waiting for him to offer and ask him to help you.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:38pm
Thanks kim for the suggestions--I will definitely try them. I just want him to want to help me and I forget that men and women do think very different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:44pm
They think very differently! :)
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 10:15pm
I would approach it a little differently, a little more head on. I would tell him I have a problem that I'd like his help with and ask him to choose a time that was convenient for him to talk about it. It needs to be a time when your son won't interfere and when you have a good amount of time to spend on it. I know "guaranteed" uninterrupted time is non-existent with a young child, but do the best you can, like choosing a time you know he's typically sound asleep and down for the night, for instance; if he was spending the afternoon with someone else, that would be really great! I would tell my husband how I felt about the housework, I would tell him that I work the same hours he does, do all the childcare and all the housework and since we are a partnership, this isn't at all fair. (Neither is it fair to your child, who needs to see his father taking an active role in child care and in housework, as he will pattern what is and isn't a man's job to do by what his father does.) I would tell my husband that I understand his desire to sit back and rest, that I would like to do the same. I really expect that he can't argue about the work you do vs. the work he does. Once that's done, it's time to separate out the work, who does what. If he does his own oil changes, washes the cars, mows the lawn, etc., all that counts as chores, but jobs done once every couple of weeks or so aren't equal to jobs that have to be done more frequently. Make sure it's fair and make sure he's doing both housework and child care. Write up a list of what job belongs to who, it might be good to agree to revisit it in a week or two to see if things need to be changed up at all. Once chores are designated as his, leave them alone, don't remind him, don't do them for him and for Pete's sake, don't redo them if he doesn't do them to "your specifications"; once the chore is his, it's his to do to his specifications, period. By doing them for him, or by redoing them, you'll send him the message that if he waits long enough or makes a weak stab at doing the job, you'll take care of it for him. Reminding him also takes the ownership away from him. Go into it with confidence (fake confidence if you have to!) that he'll do it when he has time or is ready and let it go. If not doing his job affects you (if he's laundry and you're out of clean clothes, for instance), wash only what you need for the next day and leave the rest. If he asks, tell him you know he'll get to it when he can so you only washed what you absolutely had to have. He'll get tired of having no clean clothes soon enough.


The thing is you two are a partnership, not slave and master. You put in the same hours. When you get home from work, you're not off duty, it's just that your job changed. Your job title is now parent, responsible for child and home.


If you have a talk, be sure to speak appropriately, using "I" messages. Making him feel blamed or attacked won't help you. Here are some articles on problem resolution that might be helpful:

Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

Know that it's very easy to fall into the habit of not doing anything, especially if you have someone who will take care of it all. If you don't ask for help, you won't get it; the pattern's already been set for you to take care of it and for him to relax. I've been in a situation where my role was reversed, my husband was out of work and insisted on doing all the household chores, cooking, etc. as his contribution to the family. It took no time at all for me to be right at home with him doing it all; I worked, came home and rested, that's it. When he went back to work, I was ashamed to realize that I felt entitled to doing nothing and actually felt put out that he'd expect me to do anything at all. I sucked it up, said nothing and did what needed to be done, but those feelings were there. If I can feel that way after just a short time, your husband surely feels that way if this has been the unspoken rule of your relationship for a good amount of time. You get what you ask for, and if you don't ask, you'll get nothing more than you have right now.

One more warning: This may not be as easy on you as you think it will be. You'll have to let go of some of the control you have now too, things won't get done the way *you* think they should, and they may not get done when *you* think they should, it'll be hard, but you'll have to let that go. Your son may be upset about daddy giving him a bath, putting him to bed, etc., since it's something that he believes is Mommy's job. New routines are hard on everybody. But, the only way they'll find their own way through the new routine is to bite the bullet, and let your husband handle it, despite your child's tears and cries for Momma. It' best for both of them to have a closer, more hands on relationship and it won't happen if you jump in and "save him" or come to sooth the child. You'll be teaching your husband that he can't handle it and you'll be teaching your son that if he cries loud enough, he'll get what he wants -- Momma will come. Not easy, but necessary.

One more article comes to mind that is appropriate:

Do You Give More Than You Get?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"